Best 1640 100 Jokes and Puns

A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

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More jokes about: #Math #Quotes #Stupid #Top #100
Vote kickass if you're in the age zone of 10-21

Vote kickass if you're in the age zone of 10-21

Vote lame if you are in the age zone of 22-100

"Just want to see the age of most readers"

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More jokes about: #Funny
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

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More jokes about: #Funny #Tree #Quotes #Stupid #Top #100
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal.

My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal.

So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
My dad said if I get 100 Kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

My dad said if I get 100 Kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

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More jokes about: #Funny
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

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More jokes about: #Sayings #Top #100
You love flowers, but you cut them.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

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More jokes about: #Animals #Love #Quotes #Top #100
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

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More jokes about: #Sayings #Sleep #Quotes #Top #100
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

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More jokes about: #Lazy #Quotes #Top #100
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

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More jokes about: #Sayings #Top #100
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

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More jokes about: #Stupid #Quotes #Top #100
A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex.

After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
When the past comes knocking, don't answer.

When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

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More jokes about: #Sayings #Top #100
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

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More jokes about: #Famous #Quotes #Stupid #Top #100
Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying.

Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays . The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that. Mom says cause u black and they white. Next day Tyrone is crying again . What's wrong today Tyrone his mother ask. Tyrone said teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that. Mom says cause u black and they white. Next day he comes home smiling. What happened today Tyrone. Tyrone says mama we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white. Mama says no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
When nothing is going right, go left.

When nothing is going right, go left.

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More jokes about: #Sayings #Top #100
Never let your best friends get lonely... keep disturbing them.

Never let your best friends get lonely... keep disturbing them.

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More jokes about: #Friend #Quotes #Top #100