Best 148 Accomplished Jokes and Puns

CLAPPING:

CLAPPING:

(verb)

Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

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I try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.

i try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.

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The country of Ohms is run by a brutal dictator.

The country of Ohms is run by a brutal dictator.

or accomplishes this by sending a scout out whenever he gets the news of a pending revolution. The scout locates the place where the revolutionaries are meeting, and counts them. For every revolutionary with a rifle, or every two revolutionaries without a rifle, the dictator hires a mercenary.

This way, the dictator can just about stop the attack without having to spend too much money on hiring soldiers to defend the city.

The moral of the story is that the current resistance is measured in Ohms.

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A joke told by my priest at church this morning.

A joke told by my priest at church this morning.

Three women were discussing their sons, each bragging about his accomplishments. They wanted to show that their son had the most respect from the most people. The first said "My son is a bishop. When people talk to him, they say 'Your Excellency.'" The second woman says "That's nothing. My son is a cardinal, when people talk to him, they say 'Your Eminence."'" The third woman, whose son volunteers as a lector to read during mass and is 5'5" while weighing 350 lbs, says "Well, when people see my son, they say 'My God!'"

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When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity.

When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity.

He said it helped him keep his feet on the ground.

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More jokes about: #Gravity #Newton #Discovery
Why do internet service providers try to end Net Neutrality every few years?.

Why do internet service providers try to end Net Neutrality every few years?.

The intent is to provide citizens with a sense of pride and accomplishment in fighting for their rights.

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More jokes about: #Net #Neutral #Neutrality #Provider
Three old ladies.

Three old ladies.

under ANY circumstances whatsoever and with no excuses or exceptions allowed... step on a duck!"

Well, the three ladies didn't think that sounded very difficult so they politely agreed and were allowed into paradise. As soon as they came inside, they realized their mistake: This. Place. Is. Full. Of. Ducks! For some reason, it seemed like every single duck that had ever lived had made it into heaven! So of course, it didn't take long until the first lady of the three had stepped on a duck. As soon as that happened, Almighty One stood in front of her within seconds, and with him, he had brought the UGLIEST man any of the three ladies had ever seen in their time, be it their time on Earth or in heaven. Almighty One took the lady who stepped on the duck, he chained her to this hideous man and said, "As punishment for stepping on a duck, you'll now be chained to this man for all eternity!" and off they went.

The remaining two ladies started taking this rule very seriously now, but despite their efforts, it didn't take very long at all until the second lady had stepped on a duck. Heaven was completely covered by them after all, like a blanket on the clouds! Immediately, only seconds after the incident, Almighty One was there again, and this time, he had brought an even UGLIER man. None of the two ladies had ever imagined that a human that ugly could even exist to begin with! He took the lady who stepped on the duck, chained her to the man and said, "As punishment for stepping on a duck, you'll now be chained to this man for all eternity!" and off they went.

And this final lady of the three became extremely careful, and she was cautious about every single step she took. Against all odds, she managed an incredible accomplishment! She never stepped on a duck! Time went, decades passed down on Earth, people who were born a century after the lady died found their way into this duck-infested paradise. Nations fell, new countries were born, new wars, tragedies, natural disasters, everything. She could look down on Earth and see new technology that in her time barely even existed in science fiction novels... and yet... she. never. stepped. on. a. single. duck!!

Despite that... she eventually found herself face to face with the one and only Almighty One... and with him... he had the most gorgeous man this lady could've ever imagined! Almighty One grabbed hold of her and chained her to this man, and the lady broke out in excitement and exclaimed, "But what have I done to deserve this??"

Almighty One didn't answer, so the man himself turned to her and said... "Well... I don't know what YOU did... but I stepped on a duck!"

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More jokes about: #Blanket
Digging a hole.

Digging a hole.

ehind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county government, ” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”

“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

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The Bee Joke.

The Bee Joke.

ers. Even after his parents send him to bee high school at the age of 10, Bart the bee outperformed every one of his classmates.

One day, his teacher invites his parents to class for a meeting. In this meeting, the teacher suggested that Bart be sent to a human high school. While at first skeptical, they decide that this would be the best opportunity for their son. They send Bart to a human high school, where surprisingly enough, he flourishes even more as a student. At the age of 16, Bart the bee graduated as a valedictorian at this human high school.

When it came to furthering his education, he applied and was accepted to all the major ivy league universities across the country; Yale, Princeton, Harvard, you name it. He ultimately settled on MIT, where he studied as an honor roll student and became a Political Science major. After graduating at the age of 20, he used his knowledge to pursue politics, first running for the mayor of Boston, near MIT. Much to a shock of just about everyone, Bart the bee was elected almost unanimously, proceeding to become the most liked mayor of all time. Furthering his political career, he ran for the governor of Massachusetts, once again being unanimously elected with unprecedented approval levels. Bart the bee became the Governor of Massachusetts.

To top it all off, Bart the bee decided that he would run for president of the United States. This, obviously, has never been attempted in the history of, well, ever. However, Bart had become so universally adored by nearly all of humanity, that there virtually no opposition to Bart's campaign. By default, Bart the bee became the POTUS.

Having accomplished just about everything he could have possibly accomplished in his bee life, he looked back on his life and came to the realization that none of what he achieved would have been possible had his parents taken the leap of faith on his behalf. Thusly, he decided he would return to his home hive and spend some time with his parents.

When Bart returned to the hive, he was welcomed as a celebrity, being loved by humans and bees alike. His parents were absolutely overjoyed to see their bee son once again. He decided that he would treat them to a delicious steak dinner at his favorite restaurant. After a bit of a flight, he arrives at the restaurant and finds that the wait time is over an hour long. Not wanting to abuse his status as president to obtain a table, he decides to take his parents to the pub for a drink. However, upon arriving at this pub, he realizes that the queue line is out the door and all the way down the block. Frustrated, he decides that he will simply take his parents for a nice glass of fruit punch. They fly down to the fruit punch stand down the street, and anyway there's no punchline.

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There once was a police dog...

There once was a police dog...

"Karma" seeing as it was bringing criminals what they deserved.

Now, some neighborhood drug dealers weren't particularly happy about this. Even the biggest drug lords had caught wind of this. Karma had busted them more times in the last three months than they had been caught in the previous year. After all, Karma had exceptional talents with this business. Thus, Sneaky Steve and Dealer Dave, two of the most notorious drug lords in the area, devised a clever plan to stop Karma from busting them so much. During a raid, Dave shot Karma three times in the leg. The dog was going to be out of commission forever. Dave thought he was successful, but out of his window, he heard the policemen saying:

"Look, if we can't use Karma, then maybe at least Karma's pups could be of use. Maybe they have the same talents."

"Sir, Karma has no pups."

"Well... we'll have to change that."

Dave and Steve realized that there was only one way to stop this - steal the dog and then remove its... certain organs. Late one night, Steve and Dave went down to the police department, evaded several officers, and took Karma out of the kennel. Steve, being the sneaky one he was, managed to get Karma to not bark the whole time, and Dave had brought a long switchblade to accomplish their mission.

Outside the station, in an alleyway, Steve held the dog down.

"Dave, what's taking you so long? Just cut 'is nuts off and we can get out of here!"

"Steve... I'm having a few unforeseen difficulties with this."

"Dave, this isn't that complicated. Just slice it off!"

"It's impossible, okay!"

"Why? Why can't you just do the job?"

"Well... Karma's a bitch."

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More jokes about: #Switchblade #Police #Dog #Pups
The Blonde Astronaut.

The Blonde Astronaut.

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars." The blonde added, "And we should be proud that someday we'll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun." "Don't be ridiculous," said the brunette. "If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!" The blonde replied, "I know, that's why we'll go at night, I'm not that stupid!"

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More jokes about: #Mars #Ridiculous
A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

r>Standing in the doorway is a young man, smile on his face, ready to work, however there is an obvious issue - he has **no arms.**

"Mornin, Father. Here about the bellringer job, I am!" He spoke enthusiastically.

"Of course my son, of course.... but I must ask - how will ye accomplish the task of ringing the bell? I cannae help but notice, ye have no arms, lad."

"Ah! Not a problem! Show me the bell and I'll show you my secret!" Proclaimed the armless man.

Father Angus and the armless man ascended the tower, whereupon the armless man proceeded to approach the large bell and stick his head up inside it.

The armless man said "stand back, Father, and watch this!"

Father Angus obediently stood clear as the armless man started ringing the bell by smacking his face against the inside of it.

Bong.

BONG

**BONG**

The armless man then stood clear with a triumphant smile.

Father Angus said "My boy! That was incredible! Sure ye can have the job - be here at sunrise tomorrow to ring the bell, by God! You will be doing this town a great service!"

The next day, just before dawn, the armless man ascended the tower, keen to impress on his first day on the job.

He waits until sunrise, approaches the bell and just as before, sticks his head up inside and begins smacking his face on the inside, throwing his body forward with every ring.

Dangerously so, the armless man begins to lose balance...

Bong

BONG

**Ahhhhhhh!!!**

he misses on the third strike, and falls off the edge of the tower, and

**THUD**

Hits the ground dead! Right beside Paddy and Micky, who were walking past at the time.

*"Jeeeeezus* , Micky!" Says Paddy, pointing at the armless man's body.

"The poor man! Tell me Micky, do you know who this poor man is?"

Micky looks down to examine the body.

"Not too sure Paddy, but his face rings a bell."

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More jokes about: #Sunrise #Thud #Armless
A corn flake, just created was cruising down the conveyor belt feeling like he was on top of the world.

A corn flake, just created was cruising down the conveyor belt feeling like he was on top of the world.

y he emerged and found himself once again on top.

Unfortunately, his joy was short lived as just then a bunch of raisins came tumbling into the mixer covering him up.

Not one to give up he once again began his journey upward, this time pushing aside and down the raisins that were dumped on top of him. After much effort and time, he found himself once again on top.

Just then however the mixer turned on tossing all the corn flakes and raisins around. Naturally the corn flake found himself covered with both other corn flakes and raisins. Determined to rise to the top he started his climb another time. Pushing aside corn flakes and raisins one by one, he found himself eventually on top once again.

No sooner had he reached the top than the mixer started to pour the mixed flakes and raisins into bags. Obviously being at the top he was among the first in and found himself at the bottom of the bag. With a determination he didn't know he had the climb began again. After overcoming all the other flakes and raisins to reach the top of the bag he found himself once again on top.

He was just in time to see the bag get sealed. Once sealed the bag was placed in a box with the top side down so the box bottom could be sealed. Feeling the weight of his kin again the flake began to climb. With a drive that never seems to ebb he pushed aside his fellow flakes and found himself with none above him, once again on top.

At that moment the boxes were all wrapped together to prepare for shipping, and you guessed it, they found themselves flipped again. Figuring this had to stop at some point the flake began his trek again. Overcoming all obstacles, flake and raisin alike, the ambitious corn flake was victorious again, once again on top.

As the case of boxes was loaded on to the truck, to the surprise of no one, it was once again found with the previously up side down. With no reason to give up after all that he had already accomplished, his upward climb resumed. Passing what was now becoming old friends he heaved himself upward until he found himself once again on top.

At the grocery store the case of boxes was unloaded and placed in the store room to await shelving. With no regard for the contents the box was placed upside down again. With nary a thought for giving up, the corn flake continued his calling to reach the top. Moving above his colleagues he succeeded and found himself once again on top.

Naturally it was just then that the shelves needed restocking. Making sure to be upright on the shelves the corn flake once on the bottom… again. "No reason to give up now" he thought", and began his journey again until he found himself once again on top.

Of course, it would be at that time that a customer grabbed his box and dropped it carelessly into their cart. Do you even need to ask the orientation? No. Not one to quit, the flake once again worked to conquer the climb to the top until he was once again on top.

After being purchased the bagger diligently made sure the box was right side up in the bag. Unfortunately, this meant that the corn flake was on the bottom one more time. Beginning again the flake began to…

What? You want to know how it ends? Oh sorry, this is a serial joke.

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More jokes about: #Trek #Flake #Short #Lived
What has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both.

pear

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Trump will have accomplished one of his goals the day he gets into office.

Trump will have accomplished one of his goals the day he gets into office.

preventing robots from taking jobs

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Polish Space Program.

Polish Space Program.

The polish space program recently revealed to the UN that they were preparing to attempt the first manned space mission to the surface of the sun. When asked how they were going to accomplish this feat they answered, "We are going at night".

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More jokes about: #Mission
Today I'm thankful that...

Today I'm thankful that...

EA isnt in charge of Thanksgiving.

I couldnt afford the sense of pride and accomplishment it'd take to get to the pecan pie.

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What do you call a Mexican in Canada?.

What do you call a Mexican in Canada?.

ACCOMPLISHED. They crossed two borders!

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When you're feeling down, just remember...

When you're feeling down, just remember...

you've accomplished more than Steve Jobs this year.

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Two Muslim beggars.

Two Muslim beggars.

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in Great Britain. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in £ 2 or £ 3 a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes everyday. Ahmed says, Look at your sign.

It says, I have no work, a wife and seven kids to support. Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign. So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: I need only another £10 to move to Pakistan.

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