Best 313 Adult Jokes and Puns

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

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More jokes about: #School jokes
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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More jokes about: #Hand
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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More jokes about: #Funny
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Age #Sarcastic
Note to self: Its time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult.

Note to self: Its time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to note: Shut the f*ck up...

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More jokes about: #Funny
Q: What is the similarity between a rubix cube and a dick?

Q: What is the similarity between a rubix cube and a dick?A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!

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More jokes about: #One liners #Sex #Dirty #Adult #Riddle
Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.

Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.

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More jokes about: #Funny #One #Liner
I was in Target with my wife when my wife said, “you know, I feel like Billy is too big to still be wearing Micky Mouse underwear, don’t you think he should be wearing something more manly, like superman underwear?”

I was in Target with my wife when my wife said, “you know, I feel like Billy is too big to still be wearing Micky Mouse underwear, don’t you think he should be wearing something more manly, like superman underwear?”

All it took was a shrug of my shoulders and there were nine new pairs of underwear in the cart.

I didn’t realize how right my wife was until I heard an excited holler coming from my sons room, “WooHoo finally some adult underwear!“

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More jokes about: #Funny #Stories #Life
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. ~Paula Poundstone

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More jokes about: #Cute #Quotes #Witty #One #Liners
One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.The Pickle says, You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.The Cucumber says, Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.The Penis says, You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!

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More jokes about: #Sex #Think #Dirty #Person #Adult
Little Johnny was walking down the hallway, when he saw (unknown to him), his Father's Battery powered Dildo, laying on the bed!

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway, when he saw (unknown to him), his Father's Battery powered Dildo, laying on the bed! Daddy, Daddy, what's that little Little Johnny said? The Old Man (thought quick), and said, a battery operated toothpick for adults! Little Johnny asked why is it so long? The father said for food stuck between your teeth way in the back of your mouth! Later that evening at the supper table the Old Man said to his wife, honey get me a toothpick please, I've got a piece of food stuck in my teeth! Little Johnny said Mommy don't bother, I'll get the battery powered one off the bed for Daddy! Mommy said don't bother Johnny, I've already used it!

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Two oldies got engaged, and as they were strolling down the street excitedly planning there wedding they passed a drugstore.

Two oldies got engaged, and as they were strolling down the street excitedly planning there wedding they passed a drugstore. “Excuse me” the man said to the clerk, “Do you sell medicine for memory problems?” “Sure” replied the clerk “all kinds.” “How about for arthritis?” “Yup” replied the clerk. “Wheelchairs, walkers, adult diapers?” “Yeah”, replied the clerk, all kinds. “OK excellent” said the man “because we are getting married next month, and we want to use you as our Bridal Registry.” -Azi Deutch

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More jokes about: #Long #Old #People
All the people who had candy stolen from them as babies, are now the adults buying girl scout cookies outside dispensaries.

All the people who had candy stolen from them as babies, are now the adults buying girl scout cookies outside dispensaries.

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More jokes about: #Funny #One #Liner
PornHub and chill... because, let's be adults about this.

PornHub and chill... because, let's be adults about this.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

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More jokes about: #Computer
Missing.

Missing.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' He asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

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More jokes about: #Resolved #Valued #Main #Wondered
As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.

As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.

It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.

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More jokes about: #Eyesight #Supervision
My nephew's teacher asked for parents to chaperone a field trip. My brother couldn't go.

My nephew's teacher asked for parents to chaperone a field trip. My brother couldn't go.

"I'll go," I said. "I'm an adult.""Yeah," said my brother, "but that's not apparent."

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More jokes about: #Chaperone
Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

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More jokes about: #Longterm #Weak #Complaint
Timmy meets his future self...

Timmy meets his future self...

Little Timmy was awakened from a sound sleep to a bright flash and a strange capsule like object in his bedroom. As Timmy cowered with his sheet pulled up to his chin, a door opened and out stepped a man who was the adult version of Timmy. In a soothing voice he told Timmy that he was his future s... read more

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More jokes about: #Capsule #Soothing