Best 884 Alcohol Jokes and Puns

My dad said if I get 100 Kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

My dad said if I get 100 Kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

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More jokes about: #Funny
Say addicted after everything I say.

Say addicted after everything I say.

drugs.

"addicted"

alcohol.

"addicted"

What hit you in the face last night?

"A dick did"

hahahaha

"f**k you"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

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Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?

Girl: No. They spread.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Life #Marriage
I just found out I'm colorblind.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Health #Puns
Temples are free to enter but still empty.

Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace choose to pay for self destruction

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Christian
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Puns #Time
What's the difference between men and pigs?

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Animal #Men
You won't drink away the alcoholism.

You won't drink away the alcoholism.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Life
What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts?

What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Animal #Money #Puns
What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common?

What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common? They both come off with alcohol.

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More jokes about: #Funny
Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help.

Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Life
Boy: when I say something you say addicted

Boy: when I say something you say addicted

Girl: ok

Boy: drugs

Girl: addicted

Boy: alcohol

Girl: addicted

Boy: what made your throat so big

Girl: a-dick-did

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Life #Men
Two friends die.

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
All the problems fade before a hangover

All the problems fade before a hangover

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Life
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

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More jokes about: #Funny
There are drunk bikers.

There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Motorcycle