Best 229 Awake Jokes and Puns

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink.

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return."

Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar.

Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time. The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar." The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
“Haha”, thought  the cop  gleefully, when he saw the staggering man walking out of the bar towards the parking lot, “I’ll just wait until he pulls out and then I’ll pull him over for drunk driving.”

“Haha”, thought  the cop  gleefully, when he saw the staggering man walking out of the bar towards the parking lot, “I’ll just wait until he pulls out and then I’ll pull him over for drunk driving.”

There was no doubt about it the man was as drunk as could be, after tripping over a rock and dusting himself off, the man slowly made his way towards his car swaying every which way.  After opening the passenger side door by mistake, the man finally opened the right door and sat down heavily in the driver’s seat.

After dosing off for a few minutes the man seemed to awake out of his drunken slumber and slowly put his keys in the ignition turning on the car.

The man barely started pulling out before the cop turned on his sirens full blast and headed over to the car, “alright buddy” said the cop, “get on out and let me see you walk a straight line.” To the cops surprise the man easily walked a straight line.

After passing the Breathalyzer test too, the cop was positively mystified, “how’d you get sober so quick?” question the cop.

“Get sober?” responded the man with a smile, “I always was sober, I was just distracting you so all my drunken buddies could escape without you noticing!”

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]

please wait...

Rating: 4.2/5 (127 votes cast)

share me!

Read More
More jokes about: #Drunk
What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?.

What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?.

Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

Read More
Morning Sex.

Morning Sex.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lift up as I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said "Thanks," and walked back to the stove, her T shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Read More
More jokes about: #Dreaming #Mornin #Usual #Lift
One night Eve shook Adam awake and asked him "Adam, are you cheating on me?"

One night Eve shook Adam awake and asked him "Adam, are you cheating on me?".

Adam groggily replied "No, of course not Eve... Go back to sleep!"

About an hour later Eve shook Adam awake again. "How do I know you aren't cheating on me?"

Adam said "Look Eve, you are the only woman in the world, made by God from my very own rib. I love you and I would never cheat on you. Now, please go back to sleep!"

Another hour passes and suddenly Eve begins poking Adam in the chest. "EVE" yells Adam, "What are you doing??!?!"

"Counting your ribs" She replied.

Read More
More jokes about: #Rib #God #And #Adam
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping.

Towards the end of the evening, they decide to turn into their tent and sleep.Around 3AM, Sherlock rouses Watson awake"Watson! Watson!!"Watson opens his eyes and sees a beautiful night sky full of shimmering stars."What do you see Watson?""Well Dr Holmes, I se... read more

Read More
[NSFW] First (And probably last) time I ever had sex.

[NSFW] First (And probably last) time I ever had sex.

ME!"

"Oh...?"

I look, just been fucking her thighs.

"Goddamit"

Please tell me that story brings somebody joy because it still keeps me awake at night

Read More
More jokes about: #Min #Rapid #Rapidly
Three men are shipwrecked...

Three men are shipwrecked...

... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated.The ch... read more

Read More
More jokes about: #Shipwrecked #Drumsticks
A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all.

A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all.

ole tribe rejoices.

Confused, but desperate, the man obliges, and the tribe leader brings him to a small room. At peace, the man falls right asleep.

But suddenly, in the middle of the night, the man is jolted awake by a piercing call in the distance.

“CARIBOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

He rushes to his window. All of the tribesman are outside _having sex with caribou!_

“What?! I must be dreaming,” says the man. He falls back asleep and tries to forget what he saw.

A day passes, and the next night at 12 sharp the man’s sleep is once again interrupted.

“CARIBOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

Again, he looks outside. Sure enough, a herd of Caribou comes running, and the tribesmen start having sex with them. He slams his blinds shut, and tries to forget once again.

Overwhelmed with disgust, he decides to approach the leader the next day.

“You guys aren’t having sex with Caribou, right?”

“Ah yes, naive brother! We’re all men and have needs. Caribou make great sexual partners - one day you will find your own.”

“Fuck that!” he exclaims, storming off. But he knows it is his only shelter for miles - he decides to stay for longer despite it.

Weeks, and then months go by.

“CARIBOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

The call rattles his windows every night. Eventually, his mind starts to wander.

“I am really fucking horny,” he mumbles to himself one evening. “Maybe I’ll just try it once.”

Midnight comes around, and the man nervously goes into the village with the other tribespeople. The clock strikes 12.

“CARIBOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

He calls with everyone else. As promised, a whole herd of caribou comes trotting towards them.

The man awkwardly picks one out, pulls down his pants, and starts having sex with it.

Immediately all the tribesmen stop what they’re doing, and stare at the man in terror.

“WHAT are you doing brother?!” the leader pleads.

“What do you mean?? Everyone does this! You all have sex with caribou, too!”

“Yeah, of course we do,” said the tribe leader, “but that’s the ugliest fucking caribou I’ve ever seen!”

Read More
One fine day in Ireland...

One fine day in Ireland...

s," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn"t hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Read More
More jokes about: #Golf #Game #Unlimited
Quiz Show.

Quiz Show.

to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing three-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS You've won!!"

Read More
More jokes about: #Quiz
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?.

He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.

Read More
More jokes about: #Agnostic #Awake
Egg timer.

Egg timer.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Read More
More jokes about: #Shirt #Dreaming #Usual
My dog kept me awake all night.

My dog kept me awake all night.

Dreadful diarrhoea.Don't think I cooked him properly.

Read More
More jokes about: #All #Night
Jimbo and Jon, two cowboys see a wanted poster for Indian scalps...

Jimbo and Jon, two cowboys see a wanted poster for Indian scalps...

The poster says there will be a fifty dollar reward for each scalp brought back. So Jimbo and Jon decide to try and make some money.

They get supplies together and head straight into Apache territory hoping to find a couple unsuspecting Indians. The first day they manage to sneak up on one and get his scalp, but they figure that fifty dollars isn't a good enough payout and so they set up camp in a valley for the night with the hopes of getting more the next day.

The next morning Jimbo wakes up early and starts cooking some breakfast on the campfire when suddenly all around the whole ridge around their valley campsite hundreds of angry Apache Indians appear holding their spears and bows staring at the Jimbo like death.

Jimbo's eyes go wide and he darts into the tent "Jon! Jon! Wake up!" He yells, shaking Jon awake. "We're gonna be RICH!"

Read More
More jokes about: #Hoping
Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.

Read More
More jokes about: #Quotes
Narcolepsy.

Narcolepsy.

A man with narcolepsy visits his doctor and asks for help.

"Well I have a drug that can help keep you awake, or I've just heard of a new treatment which can fully cure you! However, it's still in the testing phase and could possibly kill you. You need to decide which treatment you'll have."

After a short time considering, the man is still unsure.

"Is it okay if i come back tomorrow? I'll have to sleep on it doc."

Read More
More jokes about: #Narco #Narc
A Priest with a golf addiction...

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.

St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"

God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

Read More
More jokes about: #Recognize #Weather #Golf
A small plane crashes in the jungle...

A small plane crashes in the jungle...

After a while the pilot awakes, finding the crashed plane surrounded by fierce looking tribal warriors. Upon seening that he's still alive, the warriors seize him, and bring him to their chieftain. The pilot thinks to himself: "Damned, I'm fucked!"Suddenly, he hears a heavenly voice: "No, yo... read more

Read More
More jokes about: #Seize