Best 479 Bench Jokes and Puns

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

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More jokes about: #Blonde jokes
Three ladies were on a bus stop bench.

Three ladies were on a bus stop bench. One of the ladies looks at the other and asks her if she is Native American, She says, "Yes, I'm Arapaho." "Is that so?" says the first, "It just happens that I'm a Navajo." The third lady looks at both of them and says, "I'm a Dallas hoe."

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says,

"I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,

"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...

.....but I like your thinking."

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More jokes about: #Funny
On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie!

I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!”

“Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.

“Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down. He replied.

What was your previous job? I asked incredulously.

“I ran a morg.” Was the reply.

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More jokes about: #Funeral #Funny #Stories #Life #Work
A guy took his BLONDE girlfriend to her very first football game.

A guy took his BLONDE girlfriend to her very first football game. They had great seats behind their teams bench! After the game, he asked how her first experience was. "Oh I really liked it," she replied, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!?!?" Dumbfounded, her date asked, ''What do you mean by that?'' ''Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, "GET THE QUARTERBACK!" I'm like, "Hellooo it's only 25 cents!"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Blonde
Three old women were sitting on a park bench.

Three old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a stroke and the third couldn't reach.

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, ????it's me... R u at the club?' MAN: 'Yes'???? WOMAN: 'I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'???? WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models. I saw one ???? I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '$98,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house ????I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking for $980,000/-.' MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!' MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open ???? The man turns and asks "Anybody knows whose phone???? this is?" ????????????????????????

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More jokes about: #Funny
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia

grandma a question if they aren’t

prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town

prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, a grandmotherly, elderly

woman to the stand. He approached her

and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know

me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do

know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you

since you were a boy, and frankly,

you’ve been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you

manipulate people and talk about them

behind their backs. You think you’re a

big shot when you haven’t the brains to

realize you’ll never amount to anything

more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I

know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing

what else to do, he pointed across the

room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you

know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve

known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he

has a drinking problem. He can’t build a

normal relationship with anyone, and

his law practice is one of the worst in

the entire state. Not to mention he

cheated on his wife with three different

women. One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to

approach the bench and, in a very quiet

voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she

knows me, I’ll send you both to the

electric chair.

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More jokes about: #Funny
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
What do you call a bench full of white people?

What do you call a bench full of white people? The NBA!

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A man is in court on trial.

A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!" The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty," says the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!" At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?" He replies, "He is my next door neighbor." The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments." The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
Whats the difference between your momma and a bench ?

whats the difference between your momma and a bench ? a bench can support a family

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
What's the difference between a black guy and a park bench?

what's the difference between a black guy and a park bench?

--- the park bench can support a family of four.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
What's the difference between a Black person and a park bench?

What's the difference between a Black person and a park bench?

a park bench can support a family

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
Whats the difference between a black man and a bench... the bench can support a family

Whats the difference between a black man and a bench... the bench can support a family

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
What's the difference between a Mexican and bench?

What's the difference between a Mexican and bench? The bench can hold up a family.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
A blind guy walks into a bar.

A blind guy walks into a bar.

... a light pole, a bench and a parked car

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More jokes about: #Parked
A preacher, a librarian, and a soldier...

A preacher, a librarian, and a soldier...

out several of his favorite books. And the soldier threw out some grenades.

Upon landing, the group encountered a little boy who was crying. "What's wrong?" asked the preacher. The boy responded, "I was playing with that little girl over there and some wooden crosses fell on my head!" The preacher, realizing his mistake, stayed with the boy to comfort him.

The librarian and the soldier continued to walk to the nearest town. On the way, they noticed a little girl who was in tears. "What is the matter?" asked the librarian. The girl answered, "I was playing with that little boy over there and some books fell on my head!" Feeling guilty, the librarian chose to stay with her.

The soldier continued to the town on his own. When he reached the town, he saw a boy on a bench, dying of laughter. "What is so funny, the soldier asked?" The boy responded, "I just sat on this bench and farted and then the building behind me blew up!"

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More jokes about: #Turbulence
What does a pickle jar and your mom have in common?.

What does a pickle jar and your mom have in common?.

I banged them both on the kitchen bench

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More jokes about: #Banged
Three elderly ladies are sitting at a park bench chatting.

Three elderly ladies are sitting at a park bench chatting.

A man walks up to them and flashes them, two of the ladies have a stroke but the third couldn't reach that far

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More jokes about: #Flashes