Best 93 Briefcase Jokes and Puns

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention.

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor. As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."

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Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

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Sandwiches.

Sandwiches.

Two attorneys went into an expensive restaurant and ordered two waters. They sat down, took sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite upset and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged thei... read more

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A rich man died and went to Heaven.

A rich man died and went to Heaven.

nd told him that all he had to do was imagine what he wanted and it would show up in the briefcase. The man already knew what he wanted, so it only took a second for the briefcase to be filled to the brim with gold bars, all stamped with 24k on them.

Peter looked at the rich man and raised an eyebrow.

"That's fine if that's what you want, but I gotta ask. Why are you bringing pavement?"

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A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down... read more

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Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump in a hot air balloon.

Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump in a hot air balloon.

who happens to be a photographer. "

Before Donald has the chance to react the flame feeding the huge balloon keeping them in the sky starts to flicker and die. Despite the pilot frantic attempts to restart the engine the balloon drops steadily down gathering speed. Pedro shouts to the other desperate passengers of the seemly doomed flight

" Quickly throw all your unessential stuff you have overboard now or we will be going down! "

Hilary is the first to act and throws over the side her handbag, thick coat and both her shoes

" I have plenty of these at home... "

Her assistant is next to rummage through her belongings and decides to chuck her professional camera, tripod and briefcase

" I have loads of those at home as well.."

The passengers feel the air balloon start to level off and relax a little when Donald Trump steps forward, grabs Pedro and flings the helpless man over the side.

" We have plenty of those at home too... "

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My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!.

A farmer needed to castrate his bull. After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ... read more

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Have you meet my briefcase?.

Have you meet my briefcase?.

I named him Justin... Justin Case

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A man wakes up for work, and in the shower he hears a voice in his head.

A man wakes up for work, and in the shower he hears a voice in his head.

ars the voice again, "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas."

This time around he's more than a little disconcerted, but still, he shrugs it off. He gets in his car, starts driving to work, and hears the voice again as he's parking, "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas." Now he's starting to get a little freaked out. He tells himself the voice isn't real, and decides to ignore it.

By the time lunch rolls around, the voice is speaking every minute or so. "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas." He's starting to lose it. When he gets home from work, the voice is talking in his head nonstop, "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas."

He barely manages to fall asleep; he had to put headphones on and blast music just to drown the voice. He only gets a few hours of sleep, and when he wakes up, the voice is still going, nonstop, "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas. Sell everything you own, fly to Las--"

"FINE!" the man screams, losing it, "FINE! I'll DO IT, I'LL DO IT, JUST STOP, PLEASE JUST STOP!"

The voice stops. The man rents a moving truck, hauls all of his belongings to the nearest pawnshop, and sells everything -- they barely had enough cash in their vault for him. He returns the moving truck, and sells his car to a used car dealership for cash. He puts all of his cash in a briefcase, heads to the airport, and buys a one-way ticket to Las Vegas, with tears of relief and sadness in his eyes.

Once on the plane, he notices it's quiet. Feeling relieved, he waits a few minutes to make sure the voice doesn't say anything, then closes his eyes for some much needed sleep.

He finally wakes up as the plane is landing; as the plane is pulling into the gate, he hears the voice again.

"Call a cab and go straight to Caesar's Palace."

At this point he doesn't have the energy to fight it anymore. "Fine. That's fine." he mumbles under his breath. As soon as he gets out of the airport, he hails a cab, gets in, and tells the driver to head to Caesar's Palace. The voice speaks again, "Call a cab and go straight to Caesar's Palace."

"I KNOW. I know. Shut up, for the love of god." he says. The voice doesn't speak for the rest of the ride.

The cab pulls up to the front, and he tips the driver and exits the cab. He walks up to the big front doors, and says "Now what?"

The voice chimes in, "Go inside, sit at the second roulette table on your right." The man sighs and heads inside. He hands over his suitcase of cash -- every last penny he owns -- and exchanges it for chips. He finds the second roulette table on the right, and sits down. The voice speaks again, "Bet everything you own on *black four*."

"Are you kidding me?" He questions the voice, and how he is about to risk everything he owns on a game of roulette. The voice just repeats the same thing, "Bet everything you own on *black four*."

The man sighs and reluctantly places the bet of a lifetime. "Well, here goes nothing." The table spins and spins, and finally the ball lands. It lands on red 23. He looks up angrily, and the voice speaks again --

"Shit."

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Today just wasn't my day.

Today just wasn't my day.

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..

*[as told by Rodney Dangerfield]*

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar...

in return?"

The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."

So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.

The bartender is speechless.

"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."

The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.

"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"

The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."

The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.

"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."

In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.

"I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."

"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog.

"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"

"Nah," says the man.

"The hamster's a ventriloquist."

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Why was the lawyer home early?.

Why was the lawyer home early?.

Briefcase

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Indian police.

Indian police.

e turned around finding an Indian police officer running towards him. Really scared, the man dashed off deeper into crowd.

"I've heard all about these Indian police officers, they're incompetent and have no fitness, out running him will be a piece of cake."

He kept running, dodging people for a good 12 minutes and the police officer was still chasing him, it contradicted everything he had thought before, maybe Indian police isn't as bad as he thinks. The police officer kept chasing, the man went through all sorts of narrow places, climbing buildings, running of the roofs, hiding in empty flats and warehouses. The police officer was still after him.

After running for a while, he comes across a bridge with a ladder leading downwards, he climbed down the ladder and hid beneath the bridge, praying the police officer would just give up and leave. And boy was he wrong, the police officer jumped from on top of the bridge landing in front of him, startled, the man quickly drops his briefcase, and starts begging the police officer to not arrest him.

The police says, panting really hard.

"Whew, you finally stopped running, how much you selling it for?"

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In light of today's events in Toronto.

In light of today's events in Toronto.

A lady gets on a plane and realizes that she's been seated next to an Arab man in traditional attire. She watches him cautiously during the entire flight.

When the plane lands, he gets out before her, but leaves his briefcase under the seat in front of him. Noticing this, she grabs it and follows him, handing him the briefcase!

"You almost forgot this!", she said.

The man looks at her and says, "Thank you for this, miss. As a token of my appreciation, I have some advice for you, "Stay away from Toronto."

She replied, "Why? Is there going to be an attack there?"

"No", he said. "Their mayor's a crackhead."

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What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase?.

What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase?.

A branch manager.

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After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

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French Jokes.

French Jokes.

erican, Russian, and French soldier see a German machine gunner. The Russian calls on his comrades to repeatedly suicide charge the German until he runs out of bullets. The American calls for a synchronized bombing strike using the full might the American military to obliterate the German (and all the nearby land). The Frenchman gets blown up by the American strike, because he already surrendered and was taken prisoner by the German.

For sale: A French rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

What's the difference between a French soldier and a brain-dead jugghead? The jugghead runs towards the battle.

Inspired by the American president. The French prime-minister ordered his secret service to carry around a locked briefcase that can only be unlocked by the prime-minister in case of an emergency war. Inside is said to be the controls to the national white-flag system.

What's the French military motto? Don't shoot, we surrender.

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The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.

The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.

Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.

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An old lady goes to the bank.

An old lady goes to the bank.

he briefcase with a proud smile.

"Wow," he replies, shocked. "I can certainly arrange that for you, but may I ask, why is a lady as vulnerable as yourself carrying around so much cash?"

The lady laughs. "Oh I like to make silly bets," she explains.

"Such as," he presses.

So the old lady proposes a bet to the bank manager by way of example.

"If I return here tomorrow, I bet you £50,000 you will have sprouted a third testicle."

Not wanting to take £50,000 off an old lady, the banker tries to refuse, but the old lady insists, showing him that £50,000 means nothing to her.

"But of course," she says after he grugingly accepts, "I'll need to bring my lawyer to act as witness."

So the following day she returns with her witness and the three proceed to the managers office. He of course strips and reveals 2 testicles, not three.

The old lady takes them in her hand. "Oh dear, it appears it's only the two," she says, sighing. "I suppose the £50,000 is yours."

At this point, the lawyer starts banging his head on the table.

"What's up with him?" the manager asks.

"Oh him? I bet him £200,000 that this morning at precisely 10am I could fondle my bank managers balls while he watches in the corner."

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