Best 160 Bruised Jokes and Puns

When I was born, I was BLACK

When I grew up, I was BLACK

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK

When I got cold, I was BLACK

When I was scared, I was BLACK

When I was sick, I was BLACK

And when I die, I’ll still be BLACK NOW, you white folks

When you’re born, you're PINK

When you grow up, you’re WHITE

When you go in the sun, you get RED

When you’re cold, you turn BLUE

When you’re scared, you're YELLOW

When you get sick, you’re GREEN

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE

And when you die, you look GREY

So why y'all be callin' us COLORED folks?

Q: What do you call a T-Rex's bruise? A: A dino-sore.

A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .

The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :

When I born, I black.

When I grow up, I black.

When I go in sun, I black.

When I cold, I black.

When I scared, I black.

When I sick, I black.

And when I die, I still black.

You white folks:

When you born, you pink.

When you grow up, you white.

When you go in sun, you red.

When you cold, you blue.

When you scared, you yellow.

When you sick, you green.

When you bruised, you purple.

And when you die, you gray.

A Pakistani boy takes admission in an American School.

A Pakistani boy takes admission in an American school ...

Teacher : Whats your name ?

Boy : Nadir

Teacher : No, you are in America now so from now on your name is Johnny.

The boy went home after his school ended and his mother asks him "How was the day Nadir?"

Boy : Mom, I am an American now, so call me Johnny.

The boy's Mom and Dad both get offended and beat him up. Next day he goes back to school all bruised ...

Teacher : What happened Johnny ?

Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

A frisky couple are speeding down the highway one day...

The girl takes off all of her clothes and throws them into the backseat. Just as things are getting heated, the guy loses control of his car and they roll over into the ditch. Dazed and bruised, the girl crawls out of the shattered window, and limps around to her boyfriend's side of the car.... read more

Why do redheads have bruised feet?.

Because their shoes have no soles.

I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women.

It's real thick to hide the bruises

BECOMING IRISH.

e after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick."

"Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the shit out of him.

Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mick?" she asked.

"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims

Hit by a fastball.

s to massage with various scented oils.

"how's that my darling, are you feeling better?"

The man examines his bruised finger and says:

"That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."

Two men are stranded on an island.

One day one of them smells bacon. He tells the other it must be a bacon tree. The second man tells him no such thing exists, so the first man goes on a journey to find it and prove him wrong. Days later, he arrives back to the same spot on the island bruised, with an arrow in his che... read more

Why do bananas have bruises?.

Because their peelings got hurt

Doctor is examining a young women...

and says:

- Everything seems OK, but I am worried about those bruised knees and elbows.

- Oh, it's because of all the doggy style sex I have.

- Don't you know any other position?

- I do, but my doggy doesn't.

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew about the... read more

There's a really obvious way to get people to bruise their shins.

When I tell you what it is, you'll kick yourself.

A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station...

A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station. The police are trying everything to learn where she came from and how she got the bruises but with no results.

Finally one of the detectives notices she has a wedding ring.

"Oh! You have a husband! What does he do?"

"I dunno, beats me."

Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?.

'Cuz blond men aren't that smart, either.

A blonde a brunette and a redhead go on a hunting trip.

s. I saw the buck. I shot the buck!”

The next day the redhead goes out hunting and returns to the cabin with a moose!

The brunette and blonde are blown away. They ask, “How the heck did you get A MOOSE!???”

The red head replies, “Well, I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the moose. I shot the moose!”

So the blonde thinks to herself how hard can this be? She goes out hunting the next day and returns to the cabin thrashed. Clothes ripped, cuts, bruises, leaves and mud in her hair.

“What happened!!???” Asked the brunette and redhead.

The blonde replied, “I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the train. I GOT HIT BY THE TRAIN!”

What do you get when you punch Batman in the groin?.

A Bruised Wang.

A man walks into his doctors office....

A man walks into his doctors office with one side of his face bruised and beat up.“Good lord!” the doctor said. “What in the world happened?”“Well” the man said, “I was sitting there in church, and when the preacher said ‘all rise’, this woman in front of me stood up and her skirt wa... read more

What do you call a beat-up Batman?.

A Bruised Wayne.