Best 117 Collector Jokes and Puns

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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World’s strongest man.

World’s strongest man.

The local pub was so sure that it’s bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the mone... read more

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"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"

"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"

"No, Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

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Did you hear about the refuse collector in Pakistan who died after carrying too much rubbish?.

Did you hear about the refuse collector in Pakistan who died after carrying too much rubbish?.

He was Bin Laden.

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I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week.

I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week.

I'm a student loan collector

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Everyone have your tickets ready.

Everyone have your tickets ready.

ll get on the train with only one ticket?" one lawyer asks.

"Just watch" the engineer replies.

While the ticket collector is coming around the engineers sneak into the bathroom. When the collector come by he knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." One of the engineers sticks his arm out and hands the collector their ticket.

"Wow. I can't believe you pulled that off," one of the lawyers' remarks.

"We should try that on the return." another lawyer suggests.

After the three day trip, the three meet together by the coach ticket area. All three lawyers don't see the engineers with their ticket.

"Where is your ticket?" a lawyer says.

"Yeah we may have one but what are you going to hand the collector?" the other lawyer comments.

"I think we can make it work."

As they see the collector coming down the aisle, the lawyers and engineers head to the bathrooms. Right the before the collector came one of the engineers snuck out of the bathroom and knocked on their door. "Ticket, please."

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A car collector from New York finally gets the Datsun he's been looking for,.

A car collector from New York finally gets the Datsun he's been looking for,.

man decides to make a trip of it and goes out west. He finds the dealer and decides to buy a whole case of the parts and give the extras to his mechanic, maybe help out the next collector.

As they are flying home the following week, the pilot comes on over the speaker and says that they are having engine trouble and they will have to dump some cargo to stay in the air.

The man says that he has a very heavy box of car parts in Cargo and asks if they can just take two of the parts out and dump the rest.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the mid-west in the middle of the night a farmer and his wife start hearing Bang! Bang! as stuff from the plane is landing all around them and on their roof.

The farmer's wife looks out the window and says

"You won't believe it, it's raining Datsun cogs"

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The Penguin Collector.

The Penguin Collector.

e. In his bathtub, sink, toilet, fridge, freezer, penguins everywhere. His house is practically bursting with these penguins.

The mans wife is obviously not impressed with the amount of penguins her husband has.

"Honey," she said to him, "You have got to get rid of all these penguins. We have no room to live. We can no longer afford to have nice things, not only do the penguins ruin everything we own, but we can hardly afford to feed the penguins. You have to get rid of them."

"I can't do that!" The man replied. "I love these penguins. They are like family to me!"

"Either they go, or I go!" She stated.

After pondering this ultimatum for a while the man decides that he does, indeed, love his wife more than all his penguins put together. But what to do with all these penguins?

"Why don't you donate them to the County Zoo?" His wife asked.

"Great idea! I'll call them tomorrow."

"Honey, you better call them now. I cannot go one more day with these penguins living here."

The man, saddened by his failed attempt to keep the penguins at least one more day, begrudgingly picks up the phone.

"Hello, County Zoo, how may I help you?" Spoke the cheery voice on the phone.

The man took a deep breath and spoke slowly.

"Hello, I'd like to speak to the person in charge of accepting donations please."

The receptionist on the other end of the line could hear the sadness in his voice.

"I'll connect you right away sir"

The phone was silent for a minute. The man hoped that no one would be connected, that perhaps he could have one last day with the penguins.

"Hello, County Zoo donation office. How may I assist you?"

The man's heart sank "Hello, I have a very large collection of penguins I would like to donate."

"Penguins?"

"Yes, penguins."

"Like, real penguins?"

"Yes, real penguins."

"That's fantastic!!" The donation coordinator exclaimed "We have been trying to get penguins here for a long time! We have an area all set up, but no penguins to live there!"

The man smiled to himself. This person seemed very excited to get these penguins. At least they would be going to a happy home and they wouldn't be too far away so he could go visit.

"My wife says I need to get rid of them today"

"Fantastic! Come on down anytime, we will be waiting!"

It was settled. The many attached his trailer to his truck and started loading up the penguins. After spending an hour counting the penguins to make sure he had them all the man closed the trailer door and stared to drive to the County Zoo. The man got about halfway there and sure enough he got a flat tire.

"Damn it!!" The man thought to himself. "The County Zoo is almost closed, how will I explain to my wife if I come home with all these penguins."

It was at that point that the man saw another truck coming down the road. He flagged the truck down.

"Sir you have to help me! I need to get these penguins to the County Zoo. They are about to close soon and my wife will kill me if I don't take these penguins to the County Zoo today."

"You want me to take these penguins to the County Zoo?" replied the stranger.

"Yes! Please! I'll pay for you to take them to the County Zoo. How about $500. Is that enough for you to take them?"

The stranger took the money.

"Yeah, that should be enough."

So the two men loaded up the strangers truck with all the penguins and off the stranger went.

After a while the man finally got his truck fixed and off he went to the County Zoo. When he got there though the County Zoo was closed. The man started banging on the gate and yelling until a security guard showed up.

"What is your problem?" Scoffed the security guard.

"Please tell me, did my penguins arrive safely, are they all there? May I see them in their new home?" Pleaded the man.

"Penguins? We were excepting some penguins, but we never got them."

"WHAT!?!" The man was furious!! "That jerk stole all my penguins and my $500 was a rude person!!"

"Sorry, sir."

The man needed a way to blow off steam. He decided to drive around for a while before going home to his wife.

After, maybe, 30-40 minutes the man sees the stranger from earlier. There he was. Walking down the street with a row of penguins following him, far as the eye can see.

The man slammed on his breaks.

He hopped out of his car.

He approached the stranger and said,

"Hey! Jerk! How dare you! How dare you steal my $500 and not take the penguins to the County Zoo!"

"Oh." Said the stranger. I already took them to the County Zoo. I had money left over so I was taking them to the movie theatre."

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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.".

ul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

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Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

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A tax collector went to audit the local synagogue.

A tax collector went to audit the local synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box o... read more

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A attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have good news and bad news."

A attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have good news and bad news.".

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $1-2 million. I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Three Lawyers and Three Engineers were Traveling by Train to Conference.

Three Lawyers and Three Engineers were Traveling by Train to Conference.

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them."How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer."Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers.When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three e... read more

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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." he says.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." he says.

ight."

The art collector replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

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A Soviet Russian food collector and a farmer.

A Soviet Russian food collector and a farmer.

A Soviet official in charge of collecting food from farms goes to a local farm and is greatly warmly by the farmer.

After some light hearted conversation, the official says, "Anyways, I am here to collect the potatoes you have grown."

The farmer replies, "Oh, yes. This has been a marvelous year. We have grown so many potatoes, that if we put them all into a pile, it would reach the foot of God."

The official replies, "That is ridiculous. You know that in Soviet Russia, there is no God."

The farmer responds, "That is fine. We have no potatoes either."

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Fourth husband.

Fourth husband.

A wife was lying in her bed with her fourth husband, they were just married and very much in love. Says the wife, "please be gentle, I am still a virgin." So the husband asks, "how can you be a virgin if you've been married three times?".

Says the wife:

My first husband was a psychiatrist: when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was talk about it.

My second husband was a gynaecologist: when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was look at it.

My third husband was a stamp collector. *sigh* I miss that man.

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Art Collector.

Art Collector.

An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $5-10 million. I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

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The Art Collector [Clean].

The Art Collector [Clean].

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?""Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?""No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."When he returned the thir... read more

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