Best 441 Crushed Jokes and Puns

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.

Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.

Friend: Ok I can see it...

Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.

Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.

Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.

Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.

Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.

Friend: I hate you...

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Like if you rather be having the best sex of your life with the person you've had the biggest sexual crush on right now rather than be reading this.

Like if you rather be having the best sex of your life with the person you've had the biggest sexual crush on right now rather than be reading this. Dislike if you would rather have Diarrhea with no bathroom in sight

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I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow."

I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow." The next day she came in wearing black! When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong.

Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.

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Crush: Can i tell you something?

Crush: Can i tell you something?

Me: Yeah

Crush: I Love U

Me: Really!!! I can't believe it!! :')

Crush: Yes, it is my favourite vowel

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I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it 'Bang".

I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it 'Bang".

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

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More jokes about: #Funny
If this gets 100 likes , I will ask my crush out .

If this gets 100 likes , I will ask my crush out .

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At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!"

At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
If i get 1000 kickass my friend will ask out his crush!

If i get 1000 kickass my friend will ask out his crush!

vote plz, its going to be funny ;)

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More jokes about: #Funny
On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown.

On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
*Bumps into your crush*

*Bumps into your crush*

You: Oh, I'm sorry... Almost fell in love right there.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pick #Up #Line
If I get 10,000 kickass,ill ask my crush to be my girlfriend ;) (bro i kinda do and dont want this to happen cuz im nervous thats why i said 10,000 kickass and its probably not gonna happen XD)

If I get 10,000 kickass,ill ask my crush to be my girlfriend ;) (bro i kinda do and dont want this to happen cuz im nervous thats why i said 10,000 kickass and its probably not gonna happen XD)

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Friend: it takes a minut to like someone, a day to have a crush, months to fall in love and a lifetime to forget.

friend: it takes a minut to like someone, a day to have a crush, months to fall in love and a lifetime to forget. =D

me: my mom one time forgot about me in the grocery store....

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Eddy was just a regular guy.

Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last.

Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?”

“Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.”

And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.

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More jokes about: #Death
Why was 6 afraid of 7?.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?.

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin gi... read more

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More jokes about: #Flail #Tear #Off
3 men.

3 men.

catch her at it. When I got back to our apartment I crept in but my wife was in the shower alone. I felt bad for thinking she was having an affair and went onto our balcony for some quiet reflection.

When I got there, I could see some fingers holding onto the edge of the building. The man having an affair with my wife was hiding. So i stamped on his hands to make him fall. He fell but landed in a bush. I wanted to kill him so i pushed our fridge over the edge to crush him. As i pushed it off, I slipped and fell to my death."

The 2nd man tells of his death.

"I was watering my plants on the balcony of my apartment. I slipped and fell over the edge but luckily managed to cling onto the balcony below. I had just began to pull myself up when someone stamped on my hands and I fell. Luckily I fell into a bush. I thought I was safe but as I opened my eyes the last thing I saw was a fridge hurtling towards me."

The 3rd man tells of his death.

"Picture this.... I'm hiding in a fridge..."

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More jokes about: #Unjust #Stamped
Tiger Wood's wedding day.

Tiger Wood's wedding day.

across the box and curiosity gets the better of her and she peeks inside. She finds 3 crushed beer cans and $1000 in cash.

At dinner that night she asks Tiger about the box. he replies 'well I suppose you deserve to know every time I cheated on you I put a can in the box' she replies 'well considering your sex addiction I guess I can forgive you for 3 times but why the money?'

'Well' he replied 'every time the box got full I cashed it in'

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More jokes about: #Cardboard
My chances with my crush are like jesus's second coming...

My chances with my crush are like jesus's second coming...

My mom believes in them but it ain't gonna happen.

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More jokes about: #Believes
A Boy Asked His Crush Out To Prom...

A Boy Asked His Crush Out To Prom...

A boy asked his crush to prom. His crush agreed, so the boy went to get a suit. There was a long line at the register, but the boy got the suit.

Then he went for a bouquet of flowers, there was another long line at the store, but he purchased the flowers.

Finally, he had to buy tickets, there was yet another long line for the tickets but he waited, and eventually got what he needed.

The boy and his girlfriend were at prom dancing. After the music stopped, the girl asked for a glass of punch. The boy went to get drinks and there was no punchline.

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More jokes about: #Eventually #Suit #Purchased #Flowers
A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny. "Hey guys", she addressed them. As James looked towards her face, her clothes,... read more

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More jokes about: #Briskly #Brisk
As a professor at Texas AM, I taught during the day and did research at night.

As a professor at Texas AM, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an online team. One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed. How old are you? I typed. Twelve, he replied. How old are you? Feeling my face redden, I answered, Eight.

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