Best 1822 Death Jokes and Puns

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

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What's Blonde and dead in a closet?

What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.

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A baby duck and a baby skunk finish crossing the freeway after just narrowly escaping death.

A baby duck and a baby skunk finish crossing the freeway after just narrowly escaping death. Their families however were all killed by a big-rig. Upon reaching the other side, the little duck tells the baby skunk, "My parents both died and didn't tell me what I am." "Well," says the baby skunk, "You are yellow and you have a bill and webbed feet. You must be a duck." The duck thanked him. The baby skunk then tells the duck, "You know what, my parents didn't tell me what I am either." "Well," says the baby duck, "You're not quite black and you're not quite white and you smell bad. You must be Mexican."

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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.

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Cop pulls over a man

Cop pulls over a man

"Sir id like you to take this breathalyzer test"

Man: " I cant, i have asthma i might have an attack "

Cop: " then i need to take a blood sample "

Man: " No sir, im a hemophiliac, i might bleed to death "

Cop: " Ok, ill need a pee sample "

Man: " I cant do that either officer, im a diabetic, i might get low blood sugar "

Cop: " Fine, just walk this line "

Man: " I cant "

Cop: " Why? "

Man: " Cause im drunk "

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Until 1961 it was illegal to attempt suicide in the UK.

Until 1961 it was illegal to attempt suicide in the UK.

The punishment was death.

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Death: It's your time.

Death: It's your time. give me your hand

Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!

Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!

Blonde: *high fives*

Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...

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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Age #Death #Doctor #Health
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

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I'm not saying your perfume is too strong.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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More jokes about: #Death #Husband #Marriage #Wife
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”

The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two."

"Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

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Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed.

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

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Why are there so many old people in Church?

Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.

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How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Attitude #Death #Sarcastic
Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven.

Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."

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So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down.

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!"

At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same beer. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death.

The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Prick when you're drunk, Superman."

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During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement."

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

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An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

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