Best 29 Diagnostic Jokes and Puns

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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ALWAYS TIRED

ALWAYS TIRED

A blonde goes to her doctor Anant complaining that she is

exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the Anant gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Blonde
A man goes to his doctor and discovers...

A man goes to his doctor and discovers...

hour until swelling reduces. Refrain from straining the elbow." Naturally, the man was amazed, since his elbow was feeling rather sore.

After coming home from the doctor, he got the idea to test the limits of the machine. He filled a plastic cup halfway with tap water, then added urine samples from his wife and daughter, stool from his dog, and finally, his own semen. The next day, he took his concoction to the doctor, dumped it in the diagnostic machine and waited. After about 30 seconds the computer screen read:

"Your water is hard; buy a water softener. Your dog has tapeworms; talk to your vet for treatment options. Your daughter is shooting heroin; stage an intervention. Your wife is pregnant with twins; they're not yours; hire a good lawyer. Finally, stop jacking off or your tennis elbow will never heal."

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Smart diagnosis machine.

Smart diagnosis machine.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ... read more

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Super-Diagnostic Machine.

Super-Diagnostic Machine.

Leroy and Roscoe are sitting around the lunch table in the break room when Roscoe starts complaining about his elbow. "I reckon Imma hafta go down to the doc and have him check this thang out." Leroy says, "Naw, don't waste yur money. Wal-Mart has this new contrapshun whur you can go and put a pi... read more

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WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind.

WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind.

On startup it performed a self diagnostic test.

Turns out, it's cancer.

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More jokes about: #Diagnostic #Performed
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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A penguin has car trouble and calls a mechanic.

A penguin has car trouble and calls a mechanic.

The mechanic arrives and says, "Not exactly sure what the problem is, I'll probably need 30 minutes before I can give an accurate diagnostic"

So the penguin walks down the street and buys an ice cream cone, sits on a bench outside and while he's eating the ice cream cone he falls asleep, getting ice cream all over his stomach. He wakes up an hour later and sprints off to his car and mechanic.

"Sorry I'm late!", says the penguin.

"Well, looks like you blew a seal", the mechanic says

"What? No I was just eating ice cream" replies the penguin.

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One diagnostic-imaging center claims that its high-tech medical procedures are second to none.

One diagnostic-imaging center claims that its high-tech medical procedures are second to none. The center's newspaper advertisement proclaimed, CT Colonoscopy: No Scope, No Sedation, No Recovery.

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

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More jokes about: #Volume #Mental #Disorder #Diagnostic
At the doctor's office.

At the doctor's office.

A man was not feeling well so he went to see his doctor.The doctor probes him, takes blood samples and sends them to the lab then sends the man to X-ray and for a CAT scan, then uses the MRI equipment and all the high tech medical diagnostic equipment the office has to find out what is wrong... read more

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More jokes about: #Mri
A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm."What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks."Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting."Let's have a look."The doctor examine... read more

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Also see: Top 6 Election Cartoons 1.

Also see: Top 6 Election Cartoons 1. Layered GovernmentOur government always struck me as having many layers. But I no longer think that, not after this e-mail from an associate in another country: I demonstrated the product to the Minister of Defiance and his Chief of Stuff.2. Time to GoThe huge backlog in the doctor's waiting room was taking its toll. Patients were glancing at their watches and getting restless. Finally one man walked to the receptionist's station and tapped on the glass. She slid back the window back, saying, Sir, you'll have to wait your turn. I just had a question, he said dryly, Is George W. Bush still President?3. Unlikely MeetingMoses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. Hello, Bush said. Nice weather we're having, huh? Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away. Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong. Moses said, The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.4. Mouse TrapMy brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he couldn't see over the panels to find his way out, so he waited until he saw someone else leaving and followed him. He did the same the next day. On the third day he had to work late, long after his colleagues had left. He wandered around lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors, but then, just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. How do you get out of here? Jim asked. The fellow looked up from his desk, smiled and said, No cheese for you.5. New VirusesComing to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: ATT Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the ATT virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a virus. Instead, it's an electronic microorganism. Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.6. New Federal EmployeeAs a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: Ethics: Coming Soon!7. Sunscreen MishapMy father, a Navy man, had the good fortune to be stationed in Hawaii -- but the bad fortune to have fair skin. One day, after spending many hours under the hot sun, he reported back to duty with a terrible sunburn. Expecting sympathy, he was, instead, reprimanded by his superiors and then written up for destruction of government property.

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More jokes about: #Political
666 is the Number of the Beast.

666 is the Number of the Beast.

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.But did you know that:* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all... read more

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Eleventh Husband.

Eleventh Husband.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.""What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?""Well, Husband #1 was a sales represen... read more

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An Eskimo took his snowmobile to the mechanic.

An Eskimo took his snowmobile to the mechanic.

The mechanic tells the Eskimo that diagnostics will take a couple of hours. The Eskimo walks around town while he waits. When the Eskimo gets back to the shop, the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal". The Eskimo says "No, I was eating ice cream"

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More jokes about: #Snowmobile #Eskimo #Diagnostic
Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?.

Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?.

-because they only like DSM

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What do you call diabetic who fixes your internet and thinks you can't prove or disprove the existence of God?.

What do you call diabetic who fixes your internet and thinks you can't prove or disprove the existence of God?.

A diagnostic.

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More jokes about: #Fixes #Diagnostic #Diabetic
Super-Diagnostic Machine.

Super-Diagnostic Machine.

ss sample in this here machine and it'll tell ya what's wrong with ya. Givver a shot befer you go see ya doc."

Roscoe was a bit skeptical, but decided it was worth it to save the money. He takes a urine sample down to Wal-Mart, puts it in the machine, and watches it go to work. The machine lights up, starts making beeping noises, and out pops a small piece of receipt paper which reads, "You have tennis elbow. Take two tylenol a day for a week and refrain from heavy lifting."

Roscoe couldn't believe how amazing this new technology was, so he decided he would mess with the machine and see what happened. He went out to his yard, found some fresh dog shit, got a urine sample from his daughter and his wife, jerked off into a bowl, mixed it all together, and took the concoction down to Wal-Mart to put it in the machine.

The machine lights up, starts making beeping noises, and out pops a large piece of receipt paper, which reads.........

"Your dog has worms and needs to be treated by a vet immediately. You daughter has a meth addiction and needs to be put in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twins, and they're not yours. And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow."

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More jokes about: #Rehab #Concoct
The French Test Drive.

The French Test Drive.

car dealer, "has all safety features included standard." So, they went for a test drive, and after several miles they were almost as in love with the car as they were with each other.

"But how will we afford the monthly payments, honey?" bemoaned the driver.

"We could save a lot of money if you would quit drinking wine and spirits, babe," replied the passenger.

"Oh yeah, well we would save even more if you would stop leaving all the lights on in the house, day and night, dear," the driver retorted. The passenger sighed.

"The car really is lovely. Tell you what," offered the passenger. "I'm willing to unscrew every lightbulb in the house until the car is paid for, if you're willing to forego alcohol for the duration. At that rate we'll have more than enough. What do you say?"

The driver considered this for a moment, and smiled. "It's a deal, my love," and the two lovers shook hands. Suddenly, there arose a deafening "BANG!" as all the car's airbags deployed at once. After making sure they were both alright, they called the dealership, who sent out a tow truck with a mechanic.

As the couple shook off their shock and alarm and the tow driver hitched up the car, the mechanic connected a wireless adapter to the diagnostic port under the dashboard, and began taking readings on a smart phone.

"What happened!?" cried the driver, "We didn't hit anything!"

The mechanic read from the screen. "It seems the car detected a dry Versailles dim pact."

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