Best 717 Jokes and Puns about 'Double entendre'

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

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I hate these double standards.

I hate these double standards.

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re doing a good job

if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

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More jokes about: #Home #Burning
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”

The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two."

"Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

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Fat bully:what are you staring at?

fat bully:what are you staring at?

boy:the reason why double doors were invented

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o

Pappu:My internet is not working properly..oOfficer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???Officer:Double click on ur computer..Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..Officer:“My Computer”..Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.

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A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.""Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Yo momma's so cross-eyed, she went to a movie and thought it was a double feature.

Yo momma's so cross-eyed, she went to a movie and thought it was a double feature.

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Q.

Q: What do black guys have that’s double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman?

A. Their criminal record.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
There was a young rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to the congregation that he will be leaving for a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There was a young rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to the congregation that he will be leaving for a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a silence. No one wants him to leave. Cohen, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new BMW every year, and his lovely wife with a Range Rover, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs and applauds. Feinstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands up and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a college fund to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and applause. Old Mrs. Horowitz, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I will have sex with him!" There is a silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Horowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Horowitz answers, "I just asked Mr. Horowitz what we could do to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Horowitz said,"F*ck the rabbi."

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A white man walking down a beach kicks up a lamp, with hope he rubs the lamp.

A white man walking down a beach kicks up a lamp, with hope he rubs the lamp. Sure enough a genie pops out, and says, i will grant you 3 wishes but be warned every black person in the world will get double what you wish. After a thought he says he's got it. My first wish is i want a million dollars. Genie. your wish has been granted and every black person now has 2 million dollars. Man. Ok my second wish i want 10 thousand acres Genie.. Granted but every black person in the world now has 20 thousand acres. And now you have but one wish

The man replies with my final wish... i wish you to beat me half to death

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.

“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”

“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”

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More jokes about: #Life #Long #Old #People
For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t?

For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You dont know Jack Sh*t." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Sh*t is the only son of Awe Sh*t, who married O Sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep 'N Sh*t, Inc. In turn, Jack Sh*t married No Sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t married Lotta Sh*t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Sh*t. Fulla Sh*t and Giva Sh*t married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Sh*t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Sh*t!

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What did the normal oreo say to the double stuffed creamed one?

What did the normal oreo say to the double stuffed creamed one?

Whoreo.

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More jokes about: #Funny #One #Liner
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive pakistani women sat down next to Anant.

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive pakistani women sat down next to Anant. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the anant turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the Anant said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said " I switched too"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
Hey girl, are you the root beer from Black Ops 2?

Hey girl, are you the root beer from Black Ops 2? 'Cause i would Double-Tap that ass

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
There were no two ways about it.

There were no two ways about it.  Rosie was fat.  Very fat.  “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”

“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”

“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

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Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice?

Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice?

Because it was a dirty double crosser.

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More jokes about: #Animal jokes
I hate how life is filled with double standards.

I hate how life is filled with double standards. If a girl fucks a bunch of guys she's a whore. If I do, I'm gay. Wtf?

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light.

A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

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More jokes about: #Miscellaneous jokes
A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

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