Best 560 Drove Jokes and Puns

There was a redneckwho hit every black man he saw with his truck.

There was a redneckwho hit every black man he saw with his truck. One day he saw a priest walking down the road and thought, "For all the bad things I done, let me give this priest a ride." So he picked the priest up and they drove along. The redneck saw a black guy down the road and decided he would pretend to fall asleep and so the priest would think it was an accident. The redneck closed his eyes and heard a loud bang. "What happened?" he asked. "You missed him," the priest said, "but I got him with the door."

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

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A cop drives up to me and says: you're speeding.

A cop drives up to me and says: you're speeding. *so he pulls me over and said papers*

ME: so i said scissors, i win, and drove off

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
Yo mama so dumb she drove to Disney land and she saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left" so she went home.

Yo mama so dumb she drove to Disney land and she saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left" so she went home.

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Yo mama so stupid, when she saw the drive-thru sign at McDonalds, she drove THROUGH McDonalds.

Yo mama so stupid, when she saw the drive-thru sign at McDonalds, she drove THROUGH McDonalds.

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George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Dick Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me."

George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Dick Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Cheney took George W. outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!" "No kidding," replied George W., "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

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There are 3 men on a plane a Mexican an American and a Russian the Mexican says "I hate my country!"

There are 3 men on a plane a Mexican an American and a Russian the Mexican says "I hate my country!" And throughs a soup out the window the American says "I hate my country" and throughs a pie out the window. The Russian says "I hate my country!" And throughs a bomb out the window. Then the plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying the Mexican says "what's wrong kid?" The kid says "a soup fell on my mom's head and she burnt to death." "I didn't do that" says the Mexican. the American was walking and saw a kid crying "what's wrong kid?" The kid says "my mom was driving and a pie fell on her windshield and drove off a cliff cause she couldn't see!!" "I didn't do that" says the American. then the Russian gets off the plane and saw a kid laughing his head off. The Russian says "what's so funny?" The kid says " daddy farted and the house went BOOM BOOM!!!!"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
A blonde drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read "1 Hour Only," but she wanted 2 hours to shop so she parked across 2 spaces.

A blonde drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read "1 Hour Only," but she wanted 2 hours to shop so she parked across 2 spaces.

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A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pun
My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. U should of saw her face as I drove pasta.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Car #Family #Food #Travel
There was a redneck who hit every black man he saw with his truck.

There was a redneck who hit every black man he saw with his truck. One day he saw a priest down the road and thought "for all the bad stuff I've done, I'll give him a ride." So he picked up the priest and they drove along. The redneck saw a black man down the road and decided he would pretend to fall asleep so the priest would think it was an accident. The redneck closed his eyes and heard a loud bang. "What happened?" He asked. "You missed him" the priest said. "But I took him out with the door"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
The cop pulled me over the other day and said, "Papers?"

The cop pulled me over the other day and said, "Papers?" I responded with, "Scissors. I win!" The cop slowly drove away from his horrible defeat.

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I drove my expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends.

I drove my expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends.

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?

''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.

''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''

''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''

The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

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Bishop TD Jakes is returning to Texas after a speaking engagement.

Bishop TD Jakes is returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrives, there is a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas. As he prepares to get into the limo, he stops and speaks to the driver. "You know," he says, "I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver says, "No problem." Bishop TD Jakes gets into the driver's seat, and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sits a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo goes by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulls out, easily catches the limo, and gets out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walks up to the driver's door, and when the glass is rolled down, he is surprised to see who is driving. He immediately excuses himself, goes back to his car, and calls his supervisor. He tells the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asks, "Is it the Governor?" The young trooper says, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor says, "Oh, so it's the President." The young trooper says, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asks, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper says, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got TD Jakes for a chauffeur!!!"

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More jokes about: #Religious jokes
They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I wonder if he could do that for Congress.

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Mary and Dave got along pretty well.

Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.

It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf.  From now on I will be on time for dinner!”

Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave.  Dave was rushed to the hospital.  Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.

Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”

“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKE 3 HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?

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The one thing that drove me absolutely crazy about my boyfriend Bill was the way he  drove.

The one thing that drove me absolutely crazy about my boyfriend Bill was the way he  drove. He would insist on driving in the dead center of a two way intersection, and no matter how much I complained, sulked, and threatened, nothing made a dent.  The only consolation I found was the thought that at least the cars coming towards us, were staying in their lane.  Sure enough, I soon resigned myself to my fate, but I would still cringe all too often while on the road.

Well, the day finally came when I was to meet Bill’s family. We headed to the small hick town that he was from in Pennsylvania, and had a grand ol’ time with his folks. It was when we went out for a drive in the old family pick up that I learned that things could get quite a bit worse. “Don’t worry about my husband’s driving in the center of the road,” said Bill’s mom with a big friendly smile, as we headed onto a two way intersection.  “THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE DOES AROUND HERE!!”

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More jokes about: #Funny #Stories #Husband
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy saidThe farmer stood there for ... read more

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More jokes about: #Tool #Borrow
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ... read more

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