Best 1055 Drug Jokes and Puns

My dad said if I get 100 Kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

My dad said if I get 100 Kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

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Say addicted after everything I say.

Say addicted after everything I say.

drugs.

"addicted"

alcohol.

"addicted"

What hit you in the face last night?

"A dick did"

hahahaha

"f**k you"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.

There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there.

Well a week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.

One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.

The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.

"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to loose control!"

The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildo, my ass."

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
If Mexicans are known to sell drugs, what is really in Dora's backpack.

If Mexicans are known to sell drugs, what is really in Dora's backpack. I've always thought that girl seemed a little Too happy.

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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Beauty #Drug #Puns #Time #Work
Say 'addicted' after everything I ask:

Say 'addicted' after everything I ask:

What is someone who does drugs?

What is someone who drinks?

What hit you in the face last night?

Addicted

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pun
Why is there cotton in pill bottles????

why is there cotton in pill bottles?????

to remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
Two men are sitting in a pub.

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies:

'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit.'

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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

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More jokes about: #Funny #One #Liner
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pun
Boy: when I say something you say addicted

Boy: when I say something you say addicted

Girl: ok

Boy: drugs

Girl: addicted

Boy: alcohol

Girl: addicted

Boy: what made your throat so big

Girl: a-dick-did

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong.

Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!

When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Celebrity
Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck?

Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Animal #Drug #Puns #Work
A Mexican is being interviewed by the cops for doing drugs and the the cop says "how high are you" and the Mexican replies "no no officer its hi how are you"

A Mexican is being interviewed by the cops for doing drugs and the the cop says "how high are you" and the Mexican replies "no no officer its hi how are you"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
Why is there cotton in the top of pill bottles?

Why is there cotton in the top of pill bottles?

To remind black people what they did before they became drug dealers.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
Why do prostitutes always make more money than drug dealers?

Why do prostitutes always make more money than drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and use it again!!!

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Drug #Life
Remember kids, if a person offers you drugs, you make sure you take it, because drugs are expensive.

Remember kids, if a person offers you drugs, you make sure you take it, because drugs are expensive.

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More jokes about: #Funny