Best 1667 Drunk Jokes and Puns

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi.

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

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Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say.

Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say.

Friend: Alright.

Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You decided to get drunk.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You went to the bar.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You found a hot chick there.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You both came into your room and had sex.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: Next morning you wake up.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: And she says...

Friend: I am a man.

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Yo momma so ugly, she had to get the baby drunk so that she could breastfeed it.

Yo momma so ugly, she had to get the baby drunk so that she could breastfeed it.

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Cop pulls over a man

Cop pulls over a man

"Sir id like you to take this breathalyzer test"

Man: " I cant, i have asthma i might have an attack "

Cop: " then i need to take a blood sample "

Man: " No sir, im a hemophiliac, i might bleed to death "

Cop: " Ok, ill need a pee sample "

Man: " I cant do that either officer, im a diabetic, i might get low blood sugar "

Cop: " Fine, just walk this line "

Man: " I cant "

Cop: " Why? "

Man: " Cause im drunk "

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Ask this question to someone next time they're drunk or high.

Ask this question to someone next time they're drunk or high.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite color in the alphabet?"

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How do you know when your too drunk to drive?

How do you know when your too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

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A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

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A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

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I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

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A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore.

A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"

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You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

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So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down.

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!"

At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same beer. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death.

The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Prick when you're drunk, Superman."

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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk Irishman.

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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

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Two guys sitting in a bar decide to tell each other what they bought their wives for xmas.

Two guys sitting in a bar decide to tell each other what they bought their wives for xmas. 1st guy: I bought my wife a necklace and a diamond ring that way if she hates the necklace she can still wear the ring. 2nd guy: I bought my wife an imported gold ornament and a car that way if she doesn't like the ornament she still has the car. A drunk guy sitting next to them says "I bought my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator... that way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fock herself

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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

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A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver.

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".

All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

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