Best 73 Eldest Jokes and Puns

Mother in law.

Mother in law.

out hesitation jumped into the well and pulled her out to the safety. Next morning when the eldest woke up, he saw a brand new car parked in his driveway. That was a gift from his mother in law as an appreciation.

A few days later, she is trying out the middle one. Same story, she asks him for a helping hand, jumps into a water well and he saved her. Next morning when he wakes up, he finds a brand new motor bike parked in his driveway. Again, that was a gift from his mother in law.

A few days later, now she is trying out the youngest one. She jumps into the water well but the youngest is hesitant to jump after her. He thinks for a few moments that the eldest saved her and got a car, the middle one saved her and got a bike so if I save her she'd probably give me a bicycle which is not worth the effort really so he decides to let her drown.

The next morning he wakes up to find a Ferrari parked up in his drive way. That was a gift from his father in law.

(Apologies for the terrible sentence structure, I am not the native speaker of English).

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More jokes about: #Structure #Motor
At the funeral of Hector Dewey.

At the funeral of Hector Dewey.

At the funeral of Hector Dewey, an insanely rich man, hundreds of people showed up, enjoying the cake and everything laid out there, a large number of them pretending to be family.Hector's second-eldest son, Jeffrey, notices a lot of unfamiliar faces. He goes up his older brother, Dwight, th... read more

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More jokes about: #Horace #Fruit #Punch #Intrude #Jeffrey
Three young daughters.

Three young daughters.

The three young daughters were hanging out with their mom. They're 8, 7, and 5. The eldest one asked the mom, "Mom, why is my name Paris?". The mom replied "Oh it's because you were made in Paris honey. We had our honeymoon there". The second one curiously asked the mom "is that why my name is Brooklyn mom? Because you guys were in Brooklyn when I was made?". "Yes honey, that's right. It's a very nice place and your dad is from there". The third child was so overly excited to ask about her name so she yelled "what about me mom?". The mom angrily yelled back "shut your mouth Honda"

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More jokes about: #Curiously #Eldest
Native American Names.

Native American Names.

you and both of your brothers for an event which occurred on the day each of you were born. For example, the day your eldest brother was born, I saw a deer running swiftly through the forest, so I named him Deer Running Swiftly.

"Likewise, when your middle brother was born, the rain was pouring hard outside of the wigwam, so I named him Rain Pouring Hard.

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

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More jokes about: #Narrative
There was a king ready to abdicate.

There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ... read more

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Mary has is from a family with 5 sisters. The eldest sisters' name is Twa, second is Twe, third is Twi, the fourth is Two. What's the 5th sisters name?

Mary has is from a family with 5 sisters. The eldest sisters' name is Twa, second is Twe, third is Twi, the fourth is Two. What's the 5th sisters name?.

Twu. Mary is a dude.

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The Milk Cow.

The Milk Cow.

s dead. The father panicked realizing he had just lost his best source of income. With his poor coping skills, he decided to kill himself.

The mother of the house was worried that her husband was out in the bar for so long, so she decided to check in on him. As would be expected, she found him hanging from the rafters in the barn. Now, she really had something to be upset about, and she to killed herself.

Later that day, the eldest son of the family came out to the barn, and found his mother and father dead. He was quite upset. But then he saw something, a leprechaun. Not just any leprechaun, a female leprechaun.

The leprechaun said to the son, "Oh boy, it looks like your having a bad day!"

"No shit..." Said the son.

"What if I were to tell you I could help you... Ah, just listen. If you are able to make love to me 10 times in a row with out stopping, I will bring everyone back to life, even the milk cow. But If you can't, I'll kill you," Said the leprechaun.

The son stood there for a moment, and then he said "Well, I was going to kill my self, so I guess I will give it a shot."

He didn't make it, after three times he fell asleep, and didn't wake up.

The middle son of the family came outside, and found his dead family, as well as the leprechaun.

The leprechaun, said to him, "Ah, It looks like your having a bad day. I will tell you what, if you can make love to me ten times in a row, without stopping, I will bring everyone back to life, even the milk cow, If you can't, I will kill you."

The middle son said, "Sure, why not! I haven't been laid for quite a while."

The middle son made it about six times in a row, but was unable to continue.

Soon enough, the youngest son came outside, and found that everyone in his family was dead. He also found the leprechaun.

She offered him the same as his brothers.

And he said, " But what if I can fuck you fifteen times in a row?"

The leprechaun was shocked, she wasn't used to being asked questions. And then she said, " I will bring all of your family back to life, as well as the milk cow, and where your tiny hovel is, will be a new mansion!"

Then the son said, "What if I can fuck you... twenty times in a rows?"

The leprechaun laughed at the ludicrous idea and said. "Then I will throw in my pot of gold"

The son said to her, "But, what is going to keep you from dying after I fuck you twenty time in a row?"

"Why do you ask me that"" Said the leprechaun.

And then the son said, "The milk cow did."

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More jokes about: #Rafter
4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant.

4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant.

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo... read more

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More jokes about: #Estate #Manufacturer #Classmate
(Long) a guy stops at a farm.

(Long) a guy stops at a farm.

was on fire and this pig did 2 trips into the burning building to pull out two of my kids." The farmer said

" Oh so it lost its leg in the fire?"

"No no no, there was also the time my eldest son fell into the creek and crocs were coming in to get him. This pig dived straight in and fought off the crocs and dragged my boy to saftey"

"Oh so it's leg was bitten of by a croc?"

" no no no, just last year I was on my bike in the top paddock herding cattle when I came off and broke both my the legs couldn't move. Well that pig found me in the night with a pack of wolves surrounding me and he killed three of the barstards and chased the rest away."

"So it I lost it to the wolves?"

"No no no"

" then how'd it lose its leg?"

" Well if you had a pig this good you wouldn't eat it all at once would you?"

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More jokes about: #Paddock #Drag #Chase
A mother is walking her 3 daughters home.

A mother is walking her 3 daughters home.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!" (do an exaggerated impression).

"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."

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More jokes about: #Mummy #Eldest
Three Muslim women are sitting talking...

Three Muslim women are sitting talking...

The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year.""Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a suicide bomber in Gaza, so sad."The fi... read more

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More jokes about: #Checkpoint #Ahmed
The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news."I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld... read more

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Since we seem to be doing Jewish jokes...

Since we seem to be doing Jewish jokes...

An old Jewish man is on his death bead, surrounded by his loving family, and preparing to move into the Olam Habah.While he's lying there, he smells a delicious smell and immediately recognizes it as his wife's delicious apple pie. He whispers to his eldest daughter:"Sarah, my time has a... read more

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More jokes about: #Bead #Apple #Pie
I have two cousins.

I have two cousins.

One of the eldest is named Negar, and the other is called Nazy.

They dont get along too well.

(mfw actually true)

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More jokes about: #Eldest
When I took my school-age daughters to a lunch with veterans, I told them to ask questions.

When I took my school-age daughters to a lunch with veterans, I told them to ask questions. One of the men said hed fought in the Korean War, and the girls were so impressed that the eldest wanted to know more: Did you fight for the North or the South?

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A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.

One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.

The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.

The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.

The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.

The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.

Again, the son falls short and is killed.

The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.

"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.

"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"

"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."

"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"

Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."

"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."

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More jokes about: #Noose #Sole
A mother is worried about her children's iron intake so she decides to put some iron BB gun ammo in their oatmeal...

A mother is worried about her children's iron intake so she decides to put some iron BB gun ammo in their oatmeal...

plied again to not worry about it because it's completely normal.

It was getting close to dinner and her eldest had not came down to help set the table so she goes upstairs and she hears crying coming from his bedroom, so she knocks on the door and asks if everything is okay.

Her son opens the door crying and when his mom asks him what's wrong he said, "I was jerking off and I shot the DOG!"

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More jokes about: #Ammo #Bb #Gun #Intake
3 Brothers immigrate to America and open a convenience store.

3 Brothers immigrate to America and open a convenience store.

Each of them can only speak 1 sentence of English. The eldest can only say "Maybe, maybe not." The second can say only "One dollar-fifty." The youngest, "If you don't, somebody else will!"A customer walks into the store, and takes a magazine from the display rack to the c... read more

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More jokes about: #Threat #Convenience
Three sibling vampires are discussing who is the strongest.

Three sibling vampires are discussing who is the strongest.

The eldest eventually gets bored of debating and flies of into the night, coming back 5 minutes later covered in blood."Siblings of mine! See the lone house on the path into the city, silent and lost in a stripe of blood and fury?" shrieks the eldest with sadistic glory in his voice.... read more

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More jokes about: #Shriek #Murmur #Shrieks
Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

2 minutes later, he returns with his face covered in blood.

"What happened?!" the other two Vampires ask.

"You know that village by the woods?" the youngest Vampire explained. "I flew down there, killed and drank the blood of an entire family, and flew back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive!" shouted the second vampire. "But you're 1000 years too young to be faster than I!" and he burst threw the same window as the first, headed to the village. 1 minute later, the second vampire returned to the room through the window, his face a mask of blood.

"What happened?" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"That same village you went too? Many villagers gathered around the house you attacked to see what had happened. I managed to kill and drink the blood of five whole families and get back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive...." said the eldest vampire quietly. "But you are also 1000 years too young to be faster than I. I AM THE STRONGEST and FASTEST vampire alive!" and in a flash, the eldest vampire was through the window. 15 seconds later, the eldest returned to the room, his face drenched in blood.

"What happened?!" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"Did you see that tree the villagers planted years ago at the front of their village?"

"Of course." said the other two vampires.

"Well, I did not."

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