Best 442 England Jokes and Puns

Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?

Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag? A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

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More jokes about: #Sports jokes #National jokes
Q: Why is England the wettest country?

Q: Why is England the wettest country? A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

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More jokes about: #Political jokes #Popular jokes
Dirty Places

Dirty Places

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

Assonet (Massachusetts, USA)

Bastard (Norway)

Bastardstown (County Wexford, Ireland)

Bear Butte (South Dakota, USA)

Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

Beaver Lick Baptist Church (11460 US Hwy 42; Union, KY 41091-9483;USA)

Big Bone Lick State Park (Kentucky, south of Cincinnati; USA)

Bonar Bridge (Scotland)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Bumpass Creek (Alabama, USA)

Butte City (Idaho, USA)

Butt's Corner (New York, USA)

Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

Climax (Colorado, USA)

Climax Springs (Missouri, USA)

Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)

Cocke County (Tennessee, USA)

Cunt (Spain)

Cunter (Switzerland)

Devil's Dyke (United Kingdom)

Dikshit (India)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

Effin (Limerick, Ireland)

Erect (Randolph County, North Carolina, USA)

Fairy Glen (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Fanny Bay (Australia)

Fertile (Iowa, USA)

Flasher (North Dakota, USA)

Fucking (Part of the municipality of Tarsdorf, in the Innviertel region of Upper Austria)

Frenchman Butte (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Fuku (Shensi, China)

Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

Fukum (Yemen)

Gayhead Island (Martha's Vineyard, MA.....yes there is a ferry to Gayhead Island)

Gaylordsville (Connecticut, USA)

Gassville (Arkansas, USA)

Gnaw Bone (Indiana, USA)

Hardup (Utah, USA)

Hell (Michigan, USA)

Hold With Hope (Greenland)

Hookersville (West Virginia, USA)

Humptulips (Washington, USA)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Kisslegg (Bavaria, Germany)

Knob Lick (Kentucky, USA)

Koksoak River (Canada)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Lick Run (Pennsylvania, USA)

Likwang (China)

Little Dix Village (West Indies)

Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

Moorhead (Mississippi, USA)

Muff (Northern Ireland)

Naked City (Indiana, USA)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Onenut (California, USA)

Packwood (Iowa, USA)

Penisthorpe (England, recently changed to Pensthorpe) Penistone (South Yorkshire, UK)

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Seymen (Turkey)

Shafter (California, USA)

Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK)

Smuts (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Stains (France)

Stillorgan (Ireland)

Smackover (Arkansas, USA)

Tingley (Iowa, USA)

Titisee (Freiburg, Germany)

Tittybong (Australia)

Tong Fuk (Japan)

Top Ryde (New South Wales, Australia)

Turdo (Romania)

Twatt (Orkney, UK)

Wank (Germany)

Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

Wankener (India)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

Wanks River (Nicaragua)

Wankum (Germany)

Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pun
An italian man who doesnt know english comes to england and:

an italian man who doesnt know english comes to england and:

at the hotel he learns, "me,me,me!"

at the restaurant he learns, "knives and forks, knives and forks!"

at the museum he learns, "oh, how fascinating!"

and at the farm he learns, "a little fat piggy"

then there was a dead woman on the road, the police was there and asked, "who killed her?"

man answers, "me,me,me!"

police,"what did you kill her with?"

man,"knives and forks, knives and forks!"

police,"you're going to prison!"

man,"oh, how fascinating!"

police,"who do you think you are?"

man, "a little fat piggy"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
Three football teams (Arsnel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East.

Three football teams (Arsnel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsnel says, "I think we might go hungry..."

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ... read more

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A lady went into the hairdressers in Ashington (NE England)...

A lady went into the hairdressers in Ashington (NE England)...

The hairdresser asked her what she'd like done.

"I'd like a perm please."

Somewhat puzzled the hairdresser began "Mary had a little learm..."

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More jokes about: #Hairdresser #Perm
Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell.

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell.

een Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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More jokes about: #Tour
An Irishman orders three pints of Guinness.

An Irishman orders three pints of Guinness.

ay.

The next day, the man repeats this process. This goes on for several weeks until the bartender can’t resist anymore.

“Mate, I’ve seen you come in here every day at the same time and order three pints of Guinness. What gives?”

The man responds, “I’ve got a mate in England and a mate in Wales. We used to go drinking together all the time but now we live apart, you see. So, we each go to our local pub and order a round at the same time of day, just like we used to.”

This goes on for several months until one day, the man walks into the pub and orders only two pints of Guinness. The bartender is immediately concerned.

“What happened? Did one of your mates pass away?”

The Irishman takes a swig from his glass and looks up.

“No, I quit drinking.”

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More jokes about: #Tab
What does the Queen of England drink?.

What does the Queen of England drink?.

Royal tea.

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More jokes about: #Royal
A Southern man goes into a New England bar.

A Southern man goes into a New England bar.

He orders a beer and, making small talk, asks the bartender, "Did y'all go to Hahvurd?"The bartender replies, "Yale.""Okay," says the Southern man. "DID Y'ALL GO TO HAHVURD?"

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More jokes about: #New #England #Yale #Southern
Driving in England.

Driving in England.

In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what's left of the road.

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More jokes about: #England
An Irishman marooned on a desert island frees a genie.

An Irishman marooned on a desert island frees a genie.

see the label, hoping it was liquor of some sort, and out pops a genie!

"I can grant you 3 wishes", says the genie. Paddy and his 2 mates are gobsmacked.

"Since there are 3 of you, I will grant you one wish each".

"Oh jolly good old chap!" says the Englishman. "I'd wish to be decanted back to Lords, to be laying in the sun with my chums watching England thrash the West Indies at cricket while we tuck into a case of Pimms, with cucumber sandwiches, afternoon tea, and strawberries and cream"

"Granted" says the genie, and he disappears in a puff of smoke.

"Weel", says the Scotsman, "Ah miss ma mates frae Glesgae, en oor Friday nichts oot on tha toon. Ah wish a wuz hame wi' 'em noo".

[translation: "Well, I miss my friends from Glasgow, and our Friday nights out on the town. I wish I was home with them now"]

"Granted" says the genie, and he disappears in a puff of smoke.

Looking around, the Paddy says "It's really lonely here now my best mates have disappeared. I wish they were back here ...

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More jokes about: #Toon
England doesn't have a kidney bank...

England doesn't have a kidney bank...

But they do have a Liverpool

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More jokes about: #Bank
New England Patriots to bring OJ Simpson on staff...

New England Patriots to bring OJ Simpson on staff...

In an interview, Simpson stated he got the job after responding to a Craigslist ad. He added, "They were looking for a defensive coordinator, and I just though to myself... nobody has more success at building a strong defense than I do."

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More jokes about: #New #England
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?.

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?.

So the other one could learn to drive.

Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".

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More jokes about: #Learn #Twins #England
Why did Marxism never catch on in England?.

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?.

Because then it'd be impossible to get proper tea.

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More jokes about: #Marx
"I know everybody!"

"I know everybody!".

they hop in a plane and fly to Medina, Washington and drive to Bill Gates' house.

When they arrive at the front gate, a little screen activates and Bill's face shows up on the screen."

"Bob! It's great to see you again! Please come inside!"

After having lunch with Bill Gates, Jeff still doesn't believe Bob.

"I'm calling bullshit. You knowing Bill Gates was a lucky strike. There's no way you know Obama."

"Let's go say hello, shall we?"

Once again, the two men get into a plane and fly to the White House, where they are greeted by Barack Obama.

"Hi, Bob! How are you? It's been too long."

Bob and Jeff proceeded to have a wonderful dinner with Obama.

After they left, Jeff looked over at Bob.

"I'm amazed, but I'm absolutely sure that you don't know Queen Elizabeth."

"Actually, I was planning on seeing her soon anyway." Bob replies, and as you can probably guess, they got into a plane and flew to London, England.

When they arrived at Buckingham Palace, there was a huge crowd around the stage where Queen Elizabeth does her famous wave.

"Man, she's never going to see me in this crowd!" Bob whined.

"Tell you what," he says as he turns to Jeff, "I'll get into the Palace, and I'll go up on stage with her. That'll prove I know her."

"Fine," Jeff says.

Bob went into the palace, and Jeff waited in this huge crowd for a few minutes. Then, the Queen walked up with Bob and they did the famous wave.

When Bob came back into the crowd, he could see an ambulance with Jeff on a stretcher.

"Jeff!" Bob shouted, "What happened?"

Jeff looked up at Bob and said "When I saw you up on the stage, I was pretty impressed. Then, I passed out when the guy next to me said 'Hey, who's that lady up there with Bob?'"

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More jokes about: #Palace #Medina #Whine
I was at the departure lounge at Heathrow Airport when a tourist said to me - "You know what? This England country has to be the asshole of Europe"...

I was at the departure lounge at Heathrow Airport when a tourist said to me - "You know what? This England country has to be the asshole of Europe"...

I said "I take it you're passing through".

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More jokes about: #Tourist #Departure #Europe #Lounge
Struggle is.

Struggle is.

Watching a match between England and West Indies, on a black and white television. Turn the brightness up and one team disappears, turn it down and the other does.

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More jokes about: #Disappears