Best 682 Examining Jokes and Puns

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

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The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Pakistan and the third from China.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Pakistan and the third from China.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Pakistani contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, outraged says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Pakistani contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

Government official faints.

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A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?" with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

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I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

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A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself. On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?” “Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”

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A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor.

A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor. A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life. After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story. The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.” The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”

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A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself. On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?” “Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”

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I work as a pediatric nurse, and often have the painful job of giving shots to the children.

I work as a pediatric nurse, and often have the painful job of giving shots to the children. One day upon entering the examining room to give a shot the little girl starting screaming “NO! NO! NO!”

“Jessica” her mother scolded, “that is not polite behavior!”

At that the girl continued to scream “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”

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A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, when he stopped and said, "I object, your honor!

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, when he stopped and said, "I object, your honor! One of the jurors is asleep." The Judge ruled, "You put him to sleep, so you wake him up."

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A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

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I went to the doctor today...

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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A recent study on crow deaths.

A recent study on crow deaths.

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna S. Aus., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

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I took my shoddy suit to the tailors, and said, "can this be repaired? It looks like the stitching's come undone."

I took my shoddy suit to the tailors, and said, "can this be repaired? It looks like the stitching's come undone.".

"Hmmm, yes... ", he replied, examining the suit, "sew it's seams".

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Finals be like.

Finals be like.

**EXAMINATION COUNCIL OF ZAMBIA**

SPECIAL PAPER 6

Time: 15 minutes.

Answer all questions. Do not turn this paper until you are told to do so. Each question carries 10 marks.

1-Black is a color and white is also a color, but black and white television is not a color television. Discuss, 10 marks.

2-1f soap and water makes the body clean, then what makes the towel dirt after bath? Discuss, 10 marks.

3-Can you trust a nurse whose husband sells coffins? Discuss, 10 marks.

You are free to use a calculator

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The Bad News...

The Bad News...

A man goes to the clinic for an examination. After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news." Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."

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The Italian Stallion and more.

The Italian Stallion and more.

to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

"No, I'm Norwegian."

............................................................................................. After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later... he said, "Everything appears to be fine.. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" "Oh, that crazy old fucker" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

........................................................................................... Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?" So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear." The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?" She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

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2 lovers are walking by a grave site when the mood hits them ....

2 lovers are walking by a grave site when the mood hits them ....

They can't contain themselves and decided to duck into the yard for a little enjoyment of each other. Looking around they decided to head over to one of the flat stones on the ground and do their business. A few days later the woman complained about her lower back hurting, being that she was mainl... read more

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A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and explained:"I'm going to give you some suppositories.I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his... read more

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More jokes about: #Shriek #Shrieks #Constipate
An old redneck goes to the doctor.

An old redneck goes to the doctor.

He's been feeling unwell since a while, and moonshine doesn't help. The doc examines him, then gives him a prescription for suppositories. "Have 3 of those a day, and come back next week to see how it goes! " he says. A week later, the old redneck comes back and complains he feels eve... read more

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