Best 619 Fearing Jokes and Puns

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm.

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Death #Life #People
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

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More jokes about: #Funny #Chuck #Norris
One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over.

One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU BITCH" "YOU BASTARD".

Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.

Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK and "CUNT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick means coat and cunt means jackets."

Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, "it means shaving cream."

The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUCK!!", she yelled. "What's f*ck mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."

Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, "Hello b*tches and bastards, may I take your dicks and cunts? Dad's in the bathroom putting shit on his face and Mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!

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More jokes about: #Funny
I bet you won't know this, I'm not expecting you to know, I am expecting you to read this.

I bet you won't know this, I'm not expecting you to know, I am expecting you to read this.

Humans kill 3 sharks a second just for shark fin soup! That is if they keep it up for a whole lifetime starting as you read this (that is impossible because they would all be extinct) but if we did and you had a life of 80 years then 20,736,000 sharks would have been killed by humans just for a bowl of shark fin soup.

Shark fin soup is horrible and the shark fins only add a bit of texture. People only eat it on special occasions like weddings to make a statement.

People hook them through the skin pull them out of the water alive where they can't breathe and slice all their fins off while they are still alive! Then they just drop the rest back in the ocean the shark still alive and dropped into the water alive to drown (sharks can't breathe unless they move at a fast enough speed through the water). This is just RIDICULOUS.

Over the last 5 years only an average of 3 people were killed each year by sharks with a maximum of 4 in the highest year. In contrast we are killing close to 100 million sharks per year and most of them are simply killed for their fins to make shark fin soup, a status symbol in China. Next time you go into a Chinese restaurant and you see shark fin soup on the menu remember an animal that has almost the same life span as you died for that soup and his fins were severed from his body and the body dumped over the side. Virtually all the shark attacks happened because the shark thought the victim was either a seal (in the case of a surfer think how a surfer looks from below) or there was poor visibility in shallow water. Virtually all attacks are a single bite and the shark didnt come back for more because it didnt taste like he expected. The deaths are usually due to blood loss.

Sharks have far more to fear from us than we do from them, and if you listen to years of extensive research made by many dedicated scientists, you will press kick ass.

Thank you.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Anti humor
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Beauty #Kids #Life #Money #Work
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pun
Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.

Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.

By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.

“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”

Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act  her overactive imagination could not be calmed.

That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough.

“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” Hollered Adam jumping out of bed.

“YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING” Screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!

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I have a fear of speed bumps.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pun
What is a black persons's worst fear ?

What is a black persons's worst fear ?

Child Support

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from  work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.

Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from  work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.

Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.

“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.

“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”

“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”

“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile.

“He is!”

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More jokes about: #Bar #Marriage
Brian hit rock bottom.

Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that.

As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm.

As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?”

“White collar crime” responded Brian nervously.

“Hey man, how about that? Me too,” the giant said.

“Phew,” said Brian feeling his body relaxing, “To be honest I got a bit nervous when I saw you.”

“Nah” responded the giant waving his hand “what’s there to be nervous about?”

“So tell me,” questioned the giant “How many priest’s did you kill?”

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More jokes about: #Funny #Puns #Stories #Life
Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid?

Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid?

Say this:

I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

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More jokes about: #Funny
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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More jokes about: #Funny #Blonde
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

by korowal

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More jokes about: #Funny #Blonde
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.

She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.

"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
I used to have a fear of hurdles...but I got over it

I used to have a fear of hurdles...but I got over it

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pun
He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

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More jokes about: #Insult jokes
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. “Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” “OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” “Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.” When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” “Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”

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More jokes about: #Long #Phobia
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. “Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” “OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” “Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.” When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” “Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”

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More jokes about: #Long #Phobia