Best 2225 Jokes and Puns about 'Figurative language'

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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Worlds Best Riddles

1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name?

Show Answer

Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Show Answer

Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Show Answer

Mt. Everest; it just wasn ‘t discovered yet. [ You’re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Show Answer

There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Show Answer

Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th , yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Show Answer

Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Show Answer

You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President ‘s Name in 1975?

Show Answer

Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on …]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Show Answer

You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Show Answer

Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Show Answer

One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

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Death: It's your time.

Death: It's your time. give me your hand

Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!

Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!

Blonde: *high fives*

Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.

When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.

When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.

When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''

He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.

They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.

''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.

Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.

Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''

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There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that damn mailman is the son-of-a-bi*ch who ran over my FROG!"

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I remember a few years ago when my little girl was only 8 years old, she came up to me and asked, "Daddy, what is sex?"

I remember a few years ago when my little girl was only 8 years old, she came up to me and asked, "Daddy, what is sex?" I was somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, I figured if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, I proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."

After the explanation, my daughter was a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" I then asked her.

She then replied, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

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Why do black people have nice shoes and nice cars but not nice houses?

Why do black people have nice shoes and nice cars but not nice houses? Because they haven't figured out how to steal houses yet!

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An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000.

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.

Dr. Young: Aaagh! This is Gasoline!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Doctor Young: Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!

Dr. Geezer: Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back.

Dr. Young: But this is only $500...

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

Moral of story: Just because you're Young doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

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Assassins are impressive.

Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.

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The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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When the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm moving to Washington D.C.

When the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.

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What language are you speaking?

What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.

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I was having trouble with my computer.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Joseph grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little boy.

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Pakistan and the third from China.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Pakistan and the third from China.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Pakistani contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, outraged says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Pakistani contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

Government official faints.

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I just figured out Miley Cyrus was bisexual.

I just figured out Miley Cyrus was bisexual. I knew it!!!!!!!

#kickass if you agree

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