Best 35 Filth Jokes and Puns

With the concerns over water quality at the upcoming Rio Olympic games, I think we should ask, what would Jesus do?.

With the concerns over water quality at the upcoming Rio Olympic games, I think we should ask, what would Jesus do?.

Walk on water, he ain't swimming in that filth.

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More jokes about: #Concerns #Upcoming
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ... read more

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More jokes about: #Library #Halo #Eccentric #Filth
Vegans who drink water disgust me.

Vegans who drink water disgust me.

That's a fish's house you filthy Savage.

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More jokes about: #Savage #Filth
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.

"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians!" (I'm sure this is a repost, but from like a year ago.)

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Save Money on phone sex lines.

Save Money on phone sex lines.

...by texting filth to your landline and have the BT woman read it to you at a fraction of the cost.

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More jokes about: #Landline #Filth
A chicken walks into a bar.

a chicken walks into a bar.

A chicken walks into a bar and sits down. As the bartender approaches the chicken, he can see that the chicken's eyes are bloodshot and that the chicken seems to have a nervous shake. The bartender asks the chicken if he's alright, and the chicken says he's fine. So the bartender asks the chicken wh... read more

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More jokes about: #Chi #Bloodshot #Filth
A chicken walks into a bar.

a chicken walks into a bar.

at he would like to drink and the chicken nervously asks for a shot of Jameson, with a slight stutter. The bartender pours the shot and the chicken immediately downs it, and less nervously asks for another. The bartender pours another shot, the chicken downs it just as quickly, and asks for a third without any hesitation. The bartender gives him a bit of a concerned look, but pours him another, telling him that he needs to slow it down. The chicken does the shot, and says to the bartender "listen man, if you had a day like mine, you would be just as desperate to wash away all of these tortured memories. I have seen generations of families die at the hands of killers who feel that they are doing nothing wrong, I live in my own filth, and while all of this happens I am forced to watch the genocide of many different types of animals while this sick family holds me captive.". The bartender at this point has tears in his eyes, and tells the chicken that he's sorry as he pours a complimentary double shot of Jameson. The chicken pounds it down, and says thanks. The bartender then asks the chicken "say, what part of town are you from?" The chicken answers, "ohh, just the other side of the road".

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More jokes about: #Bloodshot #Filth #Chi
Three men die and go to hell.

Three men die and go to hell.

oms by Satan's henchmen.

The first man, an alcoholic, arrives at his room. The door is opened by Satan himself and he is pushed into a space a few miles across lined with row after row of only the most premium vodka, rum, whiskey and gin. He is pushed in and the door locked behind him.

The second man, a sex addict, is brought to another room. The door is opened and he is met by hundreds of the most beautiful women he has ever seen, all immediately willing to jump his bones. He is pushed in and the door shut behind him.

The third man, a pothead and serious burnout, is brought to his room, full of the highest quality bud, piled into a mountain thousands of feet tall and miles across, with rolling papers in mile long rolls along the edge of the room. He is pushed in and the door locked behind them.

Soon enough, a decade, a century, and a millennia pass by and Satan makes his rounds to free the men. He opens the first door to see bottles strewn about and piles of thousand year old vomit everywhere, and a man passed out in his own filth. The man soon awakens, jumps up and yells "I'm sober, I swear I'm never having a drink again!"

Satan opens the second door, and immediately the man runs out, chased by a flock of horny women screaming "I'm gay! I'm gay! My dick shrivelled up and fell off three hundred years ago, I swear, I'm gay!"

Satan opens the third door, and is very surprised when the man doesn't come out. He peers in and sees nothing but the intact mount ganja. Satan quickly ascends the mountain of dank and meets the third man at the summit.

Satan asks "you had a whole mountain of the best pot in the universe, why haven't you touched any of it?!"

A single tear rolls down the mans cheek. "You didn't give me a lighter"

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Surprising the Cows.

Surprising the Cows.

t a certain decorum is required. “You should have said, ‘The bull is surprising the cow’ or the bull is servicing the cow, not some filth you picked up at school,” he says.

A few days later, little Johnny comes in excited again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.

“Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!”

The adults share a knowing grin and Uncle John says, “Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ’surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know.”

“Yes he can!” replies his obstinate nephew, “He’s f***ing the horse!”

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More jokes about: #Filth
Farmers and their Pig.

Farmers and their Pig.

Old, long winded, and immature. But, I always laugh at itThree farmers had been competing at the state fair for several years now for the biggest pig contest. Each year though all three farmers would lose to a pig from another county. So, Farmer John calls farmer Brown and Farmer Dan over to... read more

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So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

aying classical music to it, being very friendly and kind, all in an effort to modify this bird´s language and attitude. It didn´t work. This awful parrot just screamed abuse at him, all day and all night. Finally, after a horrendous day listening to this torrent of filth pouring out of the parrot, I´m afraid John just snapped. He screamed back at the parrot, and of course the parrot screamed louder. He hit the parrot, and of course the parrot bit him. He threw a discarded shoe at the parrot, and naturally the parrot took to the air and shat on him.

In a blind rage, John grabbed the parrot by the neck and flung him into the freezer and slammed the door shut. In the glorious peace that followed, John leaned against the kitchen door, panting with the exhaustion and fury of it all, and I have to say it took him several minutes to calm down, and collect his thoughts. That´s when he realised that maybe he´d gone too far, and that he might have actually hurt this parrot - so he cautiously opened the freezer door, and to his surprise the parrot meekly walked out, and sat calmly on John´s outstretched hand.

To John´s amazement, the parrot then said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." As you might imagine, John was absolutely stunned at this, but before he could even question it, the parrot said "May I ask you sir, what the turkey did?"

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

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Three men die and go to hell.

Three men die and go to hell.

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."The men are quickly escorted to their ro... read more

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An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o... read more

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More jokes about: #Harp #Bound #Tragic #Filth
A man once bought a parrot.

A man once bought a parrot.

throw you in the closet". The parrot responds with a load of filth, so the man throws him in the closet.

The parrot continues to spew garbage from the closet, so the man opens the closet and grabs the parrot with both hands. The parrot continues to curse and slander as the man walks to the kitchen, opens the freezer, throws the parrot in there and slams it shut.

As the man listens, the parrot curses for a few seconds, but then suddenly, it goes silent. A few minutes go by and the man is worried that maybe the parrot died, so he opens the freezer door. The parrot comes out with trembling feet, climbs up on the man's shoulder and says "Master, you will not hear another uncultured word come out of my mouth as long as I live. But Master, may I ask one last question?"

The man is astonished at this sudden change and says "Uhmm sure"

The parrot says "What exactly did the chicken do?"

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More jokes about: #Filth
[OC] I knew a guy who had a really weird ritual with his socks.

[OC] I knew a guy who had a really weird ritual with his socks.

Once a month or so, he'd set aside a few hours to do this crazy thing with his socks. He'd take a pair he'd been wearing for a while, and lay them out on the bed next to each other. Then he'd take one of them, and put it on. Then he'd walk over to his dresser, open his sock door, and pull a single s... read more

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My neighbor asked me what I do for a living, and I told him I eliminate the filth of the earth and clean up the stains left behind.

My neighbor asked me what I do for a living, and I told him I eliminate the filth of the earth and clean up the stains left behind.

Apparently describing my house cleaning job this way warrants a call to the local police station.

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More jokes about: #Stain #Filth #Warrant
An Englishman, German, and Irishman.

An Englishman, German, and Irishman.

An Englishman, a German, and a Irishman are sitting in a bar, each with their favorite drink. Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each of their drinks. The Englishman sees the fly in his wine and exclaims, "I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass!" The German... read more

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More jokes about: #Brew #Filth
Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here.".

want to make a fuckin' deposit over here, nice and quick like..."

"Sir! We are a place of business and I do not need to tolerate such filth. If you can speak civil, then we can proceed to..."

"Goddam, lady, I just wanna make a fuckin' deposit and get outta here. Can you just...?"

Before he could finish, the teller stormed off to her manager, visibly upset by the man's coarse language. She complains to her manager for a bit, who finally relents and agrees to deal with the cursing customer.

"Hello Sir," the manager says, "I'm afraid that the teller has taken some offense to the type of language you have been using, and I don't know that we can complete this transaction."

"Oh, for chrissakes, all I'm tryna do is deposit a million fucking dollars..."

"What?!" The bank manager says incredulously, while pointing at the teller, "And this fucking bitch wouldn't help you?!"

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More jokes about: #Filth
His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.The whole week that she visited, she ... read more

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Dirty Sheets.

Dirty Sheets.

A guy is in the hospital when he gets a phone call from his girlfriend telling him that she's just gotten off work and will be there to see him in about a half hour. He's excited as can be and in his excitement, the hospital meatloaf he had for lunch rears its head in his belly.He does his b... read more

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More jokes about: #Meatloaf #Filth