Best 95 Finance Jokes and Puns

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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Relationships are like EA.

Relationships are like EA.

It’s all good until finances roll in

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More jokes about: #Finance #Relationship
On a cold winter day....

On a cold winter day....

ce department to know what was wrong. The department however clarified that it was just a joke and that they would be receiving their salaries the next day which was also technically, the next year. While some of them laughed it off, others couldn't take this so lightly especially considering the timing, they were still recovering from the shock of the 2008 financial crisis. They felt that the so called joke made by the finance department was actually ACCRUAL joke on their lives.

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More jokes about: #Finance #December
So a guy buys a TV on finance from a local shop...

So a guy buys a TV on finance from a local shop...

However, he didn’t pay any money for it at all. Countless warnings were sent to him, telling him that he must pay for the TV in the instalments agreed to, or they would seize the TV.The warnings came to no avail. The guy was called upon by the courts to explain why he had not responded to th... read more

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More jokes about: #Seize #Finance
John.

John.

its the 6:30 train and not the 4:30 train but the meeting took longer then planned. No dear, not with the blond of finance, this was with my manager. No babydoll, you are the only one in my life! Yes really, i swear!"

The woman next to him was growing more and more tired of his loud conversation and after 15 minutes she just had enough.

She leaned over to him and with her face close to his phone she whispered:

"Come John, put the phone down and come back to bed."

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More jokes about: #Finance #Cellphone
Two 12 year olds are in the hospital...

Two 12 year olds are in the hospital...

Two 12 year old boys are in the hospital, both on gurneys waiting to be wheeled into surgery. The first boy says to the other, "What are you here for?"

The second boy says, "I'm having my tonsils removed."

"Oh, I had my tonsils removed a few years ago. It wasn't that bad, and I got lots of ice cream after."

"So what are you here for?", asks the second boy.

"I'm getting a circumcision."

"Oh geez, good luck. I had mine done when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for 12 months afterwards."

Credit goes to my Finance professor, who told this joke as his opening statement for his retirement banquet speech.

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More jokes about: #Luck #Geez #Wheeled
Family politics.

Family politics.

n, I mean your husband, runs the Ministry of Demand and Supply, Finance and Economic Affairs and my daughter runs the Planning Development Ministry.

Now you tell me, which Ministry would you like to run?"

The daughter-in-law instantly replied with a smile:

"Dear mother-in-law, I'll be the leader of the OPPOSITION!!"

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More jokes about: #Finance #Ministry
Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances...

Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances...

The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.

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More jokes about: #Manage
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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A divorced man is walking to town...

A divorced man is walking to town...

ts double."

The man, taken aback, scratches his head for a moment and tells the genie "Alright, I wish for a 100-million dollar mansion."

"It is yours as you desire. Your ex will be happy to learn she now owns a 200-million dollar mansion. What is your next wish?"

"Well, I'm going to have to pay the bills on that huge house, so I suppose I'll wish for a billion dollars. That ought to cover it for a while, at least."

The genie reaches into his lantern and pulls out a bank statement on which the man's name is printed, then hands it to him. "You'll find your finances are in order, to the tune of one billion dollars. Don't forget, your ex has twice as much. And for your last wish?"

The man rubs his chin for a minute to ponder. "I wish to be beaten half to death."

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I don't usually brag about my finances.

I don't usually brag about my finances.

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

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More jokes about: #Credit #Card #Outstanding #Finance
On a cold winter day....

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan... read more

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More jokes about: #December #Salaries #Salary #Finance
A joke for the older generations.

A joke for the older generations.

So there once was this women by the name of Marge, who could never seem to snag a man to stay by her side for more than a year! She had many husband and would bear many kids with each husband. By the end of her fertility period she had given birth to a 100 kids! In order to remember all their names ... read more

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The minister needed money.

The minister needed money.

. The substitute wanted to know what to play

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need £4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge £100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "God Save the Queen"

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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More jokes about: #Pledge #Finance #Organist
Old Couple.

Old Couple.

nances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

Is that one word or two?"

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A man goes to see a doctor.

A man goes to see a doctor.

ys, "Doctor, I sold my house, moved into a smaller place, but I still have an orange dick!" The doctor leans back in his chair and after a moment says, "Hmmm... Maybe it was not your finances that were causing stress. It must then be stress related to work place. You should quit your job."

Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I sold my house, I quit my job, but I still have an orange dick!" The doctor scratches his head and says, "If it isn't work place then it must be stress at home. Its a tough decision but I think you should leave your wife."

Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I sold my house, I quit my job, I left my wife, but I STILL HAVE AN ORANGE DICK!" The doctor scratches his head, pulls his hair and asks, "I have removed the 3 biggest stress causing issues from your life and it hasn't helped! What do you do all day?" The man replies, "Eat cheetos and watch porn."

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More jokes about: #Finance
Geography of a Woman vs a Man.

Geography of a Woman vs a Man.

Between 18 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.Between 23 30 a woman is like America... well developed open to trade, especially for high financed investors.Between 31 45 a woman is like India... ver... read more

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More jokes about: #Cuba #Sensual #Finer #Finance
Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

I guess you could say I work in high financing.

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More jokes about: #Joint #Financing
I met Greece's finance minister, who was looking for help regarding the situation there.

I met Greece's finance minister, who was looking for help regarding the situation there.

He asked me for my two cents.

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More jokes about: #Greece #Finance
NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏.

NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏.

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ... read more

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