Best 10000+ Friend quotes phone Jokes and Puns

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

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Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

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My friend: Your dick is probably like a tic tac.

My friend: Your dick is probably like a tic tac.

Me: No wonder your moms mouth is so fresh.

Class: OOOOHHHHHH!!!

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Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

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A dick has a sad life.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

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* nerds phone rings in class *

* nerds phone rings in class *

Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?

* whole class laughs *

Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.

* whole class is silent *

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My boy friend said if this gets 200 kick-ass votes... were gonna try anal.

My boy friend said if this gets 200 kick-ass votes... were gonna try anal. please don't vote. he's on Viagra.

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Funny ways to answer the phone

Funny ways to answer the phone

1) Johns white house,you got the dough, we got the hoe

2) Hello Immigration service, you report em' we deport em

3) Jim's abortion clinic you rape em we scrape em

4) Westroad sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it

5) Sawyers sperm bank you jack it we back it

6) hello children's hospital,you beat em we treat em

7) chucks disposable dildos fuc em suc em and Chuck em

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Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.

Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.

Friend: Ok I can see it...

Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.

Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.

Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.

Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.

Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.

Friend: I hate you...

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One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

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Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say.

Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say.

Friend: Alright.

Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You decided to get drunk.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You went to the bar.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You found a hot chick there.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You both came into your room and had sex.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: Next morning you wake up.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: And she says...

Friend: I am a man.

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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence. The three words are 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow.'"

The Mexican man thinks , then says, "Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?"

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The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

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Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?

Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?

A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.

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Teacher: Why did you not study?

Teacher: Why did you not study?

Student: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that is way too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day, 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in your year, hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days, you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out for 2 days... You're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday.

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Me: "Dude, I got my first kiss!"

Me: "Dude, I got my first kiss!"

Friend: "Your mom doesnt count."

me: "Ya, but yours does."

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You love flowers, but you cut them.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

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Your friend is so gay, he has consensual sex with other men.

Your friend is so gay, he has consensual sex with other men. and enjoys it.

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