Best 161 Groom Jokes and Puns

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."

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On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot.

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."

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I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding.

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

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Called the cops on the barber shop today.

Called the cops on the barber shop today.

Heard they were grooming children.

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After a wedding.

After a wedding.

After a wedding, an elderly lady named Enna is nowhere to be found. The groom is frantic and tells his bride the festivities cannot continue. When she asks why, he says,“Without Aunt Enna, no reception.”

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the... read more

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A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.

A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.

"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"

Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."

"But Officer..."

"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."

A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."

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Lifetime Savings.

Lifetime Savings.

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the... read more

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Stolen from the broken shower thread: hillbilly joke.

Stolen from the broken shower thread: hillbilly joke.

Two hillbillies got married. On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.

The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

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A young Hasidic couple goes for pre-marital counseling...

A young Hasidic couple goes for pre-marital counseling...

The rabbi sits them down and says, "I want you to know that almost everything in our religion between a man and a woman is permitted, with the exception of dancing. There will be no dancing between a man and a woman."

A bit surprised, the couple looks at each other, and the groom asks the rabbi, "Well, what about sex, can we talk about sex?" The rabbi says, "Sure."

The future bride asks, "Positions...is missionary position OK?'

Rabbi: Of course it is.

Groom: What about woman on top?

Rabbi: "Knock yourself out, kids."

Bride: "And standing position?"

Rabbi: Absolutely not! That could lead to dancing.

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Wearing White ...

Wearing White ...

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

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A man was invited to a wedding...

A man was invited to a wedding...

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:

1. Bride's relatives

2. Groom's relatives

He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:

1. Ladies

2. Men

He entered the men's door and found two doors again:

1. People with gifts

2. People without gifts

He entered the second door (people without gifts) and

He found himself outside the hotel.

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Why did the groom want his bride to wear white?.

Why did the groom want his bride to wear white?.

He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.

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A couple returns from their honeymoon barely on speaking terms.

A couple returns from their honeymoon barely on speaking terms.

The groom replies, “Maybe, but I don’t know if I’ll get over it- she gave me 20 back in change!”

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Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

self for bed and the

expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85

year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to

sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and

it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents

for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond

good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is

back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready

for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am

thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so

often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only

good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was

here already?'

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More jokes about: #Festivities #Bid #Jenny
In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

So there's a groom standing at the end of the aisle in the church waiting for his bride to walk down. He's got a huge smile on his face. His best man sees and says "I'm glad to see you're so happy!" The groom says, "of course I am I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm marrying the woman wh... read more

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Chinese 69.

Chinese 69.

As told to me by the father of the groom at a wedding last weekend; he apparently offended the parents of the bride with the same joke the night before. He was getting my opinion as to whether it was really all that offensive.

A Chinese guy is having trouble falling asleep. Finally at 2am he shakes his wife and asks her for a 69. She replies, "Who eats beef with broccoli at this hour?"

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A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp... read more

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A little boy at a wedding...

A little boy at a wedding...

A little boy at a wedding asks his Mom, "Mommy how come bride's wear white dresses at their wedding." The Mom responds "Well because it's the happiest day of her life." The kid responds "Then how come the groom wears black?"

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More jokes about: #Dresses