Best 104 Harsh Jokes and Puns

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior.

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

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Why did the professor have such a harsh grading criterion?.

Why did the professor have such a harsh grading criterion?.

Cauchy taught math!

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There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi... read more

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A man and his wife are talking about their worst first date...

A man and his wife are talking about their worst first date...

d."

The wife is even more interested now.

He goes on "I thought I was happy with her, but then I got married!"

(pls don't judge too harshly, my first joke and wasn't even a repost.)

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

owed to bring what he can carry, as well as his pet cat. So, he meets with his uncle and despite being a rather harsh man due to his work, he's well meaning. Not to mention, he seems to be quite a fan of cats ever since his wife met an unfortunate end at the hoof of one of the farms horses.

So the boy is going to bed, and he lets the cat out for the night. A few hours later, he wakes to the sound of screaming.

He comes outside and his uncle is running about absolutely swamped in baby chicks and kittens. They seemed to have just sprung up overnight. Hes trying to herd them all into a small, boxed off area but its so damn difficult while trying not to hurt them. The boy, naturally confused, asks what happened.

The farmer replies "Your cat got into the chickens roost", to which the boy replies "Yea, so what?". His uncle promptly shoots back, "haven't your parents told you what happens when you leave a pussy and a cock alone in a house overnight?"

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Three men want make phone call from Hell.

Three men want make phone call from Hell.

Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi. So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the... read more

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Sean Bean is walking down the street.

Sean Bean is walking down the street.

ke one of them out, but the other three quickly overpower him. He feels a prick in his neck. The world goes dark.

He awakens in a room reminiscent of Saw. Harsh fluorescent lighting illuminates cold, sterile subway tile. The center of the floor holds a filthy, possibly clogged drain, contrasting with the rest of the room. His arms are held by chains that disappear into the ceiling, and his seated form is further constrained by a metal bar across his waist. The bar runs through a pair of loops and is secured by a pair of padlocks. It's clear he's not going anywhere.

It's at this time the knockout drugs relent a little more. He realizes he's not alone in the room. In an identical situation, on the other side of the room, sits the one and only Barbara Bush, former First Lady of the United States. She looks worse for wear, but a sad smile crosses her face when she sees Sean come around.

"Yes, you're not the only one they've grabbed. No, I have no idea who they are. No, I have no idea where we are. And no, I very much doubt help is coming. They took out my Secret Service agents instantly. They knew exactly what they were doing." She hangs her head. "Poor Robert. He watched me for twenty years. His family..."

"What do they want?" Bean breaks in, if only to refocus the First Lady from her sorrow.

"I don't know that either. I just heard a snippet that they serve customers with very exclusive tastes, whatever that means."

They lapsed into silence for several minutes.

The door burst open. An impressively tall man, dressed all in black, stepped through. His face was hidden in darkness within a cowl. He spoke with an impossibly deep voice. "Glad to see both of you have survived our hospitality. We wouldn't want our clients to be disappointed."

"What do you want with us?" Sean demanded.

"Oh, we have something very special to offer. Our clients have tasted all the delicacies of the world. Every exotic dish, they have sampled and grown bored with. It is our job to discover new, more exciting ways to tickle their palates."

"They're going to eat us?" Barbara exclaimed, horrified.

The giant laughed. "Oh, nothing so passe my dear. We merely prepare our proteins in...unique ways." He waved behind him, and a crew hustled in. Barbara struggled, but they easily injected her restrained form, and she slumped, unconscious. Sean received similar treatment, and the world went black again.

He awoke on a stage with excruciating, burning pain in his abdomen. The glaring white lights didn't prevent him from seeing the former First Lady was to his left, also on the stage. Her abdomen was similarly distended. He felt rather than saw hundreds of eyes on him, out in the dark theater. Finally, he realized someone was speaking at a podium to his right. It was the giant.

"...and you know how this works. Our bidding on the First Lady begins at $500,000."

It quickly rose past $600,000, eventually settling on an even million dollars. When the gavel came down, a chef sliced open the distended stomach of the woman and extracted a perfectly cooked Cornish game hen. With a flourish, he served it to the winning bidder.

A surgeon quickly sewed her up and wheeled her off the stage.

Sean now knew it was his turn. The bidding began in earnest, and he was surprised when it raced past a million. Then $1.5 million, then $1.75 million, before finally settling on $2 million. Despite all the torture, despite his horrifying situation, a tiny piece of his actor's ego was pleased. The chef again approached with his razor-sharp knife. He sliced open the actor and pulled out one perfectly cooked Cornish game hen.

Before the pain and blood loss could make him pass out again, he had to ask. He could not stop the question from passing his lips.

"Auctioneer! Why? Why $2 million for me and $1 million for her?"

"Sean, don't you know? A bird in the Hand is worth two in the Bush."

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I'm sure my allotment is conspiring against me. Each time that I trim it it grows back twice as harsh..

I'm sure my allotment is conspiring against me. Each time that I trim it it grows back twice as harsh..

The plot thickens.

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I walked into a bookstore.

I walked into a bookstore.

epped in front of me and politely asked “Is there anything I could help you find today?” I hesitated then said “I am looking for a book written by Donald Trump, it’s about Mexican and Muslim immigration into the US.” He looked at me for two solid seconds, then replied in a harsh whisper “Fuck you! Get out, and never come back!” I responded “Yes! That’s the one. Is it available in paperback?”

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I think my opponet is hacking.

I think my opponet is hacking.

Im in an archery league and my opponent hit 2 bullseyes i think they have aimbot

(P.s please don't be to harsh)

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Kids swearing too much.

Kids swearing too much.

*I was just reminded of this joke from my high school years. I haven't seen it here but apologies in advance if it was posted in the past.*A mother is frustrated with three boys constantly swearing, so she tells them that there will be harsh consequences for cursing starting tomorrow. The ne... read more

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What's the good thing about harsh memes mocking Stevie Wonders ability to see?.

What's the good thing about harsh memes mocking Stevie Wonders ability to see?.

He can't see them.

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Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus.

Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus.

but I think they really nailed it.

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"Religion is a fairy tale," one man said.

"Religion is a fairy tale," one man said.

"That's harsh," I replied. "Fairy tales aren't a cause of war."

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A man goes to court after murdering both parents.

A man goes to court after murdering both parents.

Judge: You are guilty for killing your parents. How do you plead? Man: Guilty Judge: I sentence you to thir... Man: (In tears) Please Sir, don't be too harsh. You know I'm an orphan

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Winter weather.

Winter weather.

The Chief of a Native American tribe calls the weather service and asks "How harsh will the winter be this year?" The meteorologist replies "Oh, it should be a bit cold and snowy." The Chief sends the men from his tribe to the forest to gather some wood for the winter.

A couple weeks later, he calls again to double-check, and asks the same thing. He is told "We expect the winter to be quite cold and snowy," so he sends them again to get a lot of wood.

Another week goes by, he calls once again and hears "It will be crazy! The Indians are gathering wood like mad!"

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A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

: "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

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The consolation in misery.

The consolation in misery.

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless. The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the... read more

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What do you call a sheep with no parents who is a harsh critic?.

What do you call a sheep with no parents who is a harsh critic?.

A lamb-bastard.

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They classified a guy I work with morbidly obese which seems a little harsh...

They classified a guy I work with morbidly obese which seems a little harsh...

I mean, he has enough on his plate already.

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