Best 290 Headlines Jokes and Puns

Has anyone else seen the headlines, "Orlando Bloom throws a punch at Justin Beiber"? What's your opinion? I personally think its wrong to hit little girls.

The other day, I saw the headline: 'Woman beats off rapist' and I thought... "That seems like a reasonable compromise."

There was a news headline on the radio which said: "There is a car driving on the M25 the wrong way." I then realised that my nan happened to also be driving on the M25 so I phoned her up to warn her... "Nan, be very careful because I have heard that there is a car driving the wrong way on the M25." to which she replied: "I know there's hundreds of them."

Trump and Putin...

...get cryogenically frozen after their respective deaths, and are re-woken 200 years later.

They decide to take a walk through the city together. Suddenly, Putin stops and bursts out laughing, pointing at the headline at a newsstand: "USA in worst financial crisis in history"

They walk on through the futuristic city, when Putin once again bursts out into laughter pointing at the headline of another newsstand: "EU votes against fourth humanisitic intervention in US-Crisis"

Trump is pretty downcast. They decide to finish their walk, when suddenly it is Trump who is crying from laughter pointing at yet another newsstand: "Skirmishes at German-Chinese border continue"

What did the headlines say about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?.

SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....

# **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**

Bank Robbery.

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes fill with full cups of Yogurt. One of them said: "We didn't find any money, but something to eat" They eat those Yogurt and leave.Next Morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed".

An old woman is visiting the doctor.

"Where exactly in the body is the heart?" she asks.

"About 2 cm under the nipples." the doctor answers.

Headline of the newspaper on the next day:

"Woman tried to commit suicide. Shot herself in the knee instead."

Budweiser starts a collaboration with SpaceX to be the first beer on Mars.

I can already see the headlines..."Colonist discovers water on Mars!"

Have you seen the hype about these cordroy pillow cases...

They're making headlines everywhere

A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront. “Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at t... read more

Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals.

He's come a long way from grabbing privates.

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose.

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who'd you vote for in the last election"

"Trump."

The next day, the headline reads:

*GUN TOTING RIGHT WING CRAZY REPUBLICAN CRAZED VETERAN CAPITALIST PUNCHES AN AFRICAN IMMIGRANT IN THE FACE, STEALS HIS LUNCH*

Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 ... read more

Headline: Popular Anti-bacterial found to have anti-depressive properties.

Most commonly referred to as "Vodka"

Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful".

I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.

The Royal Newspaper.

be widened to rescue the poor kitty. Unfortunately, the wall was weakened, causing it to collapse.

Luckily, the commotion woke the kitten up and it came out from behind a bookcase, safe and sound.

The next day, in the Royal Newspaper was the headline:

KING UNABLE TO LOCATE QUEEN'S PUSSY; DESTROYS WRONG HOLE

Source: Boston Globe

Source: Yahoo.com

So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???