Best 489 Health Jokes and Puns

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.

Read More
I just found out I'm colorblind.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Health #Puns
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Age #Death #Doctor #Health
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Health #People #Puns #Work
Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Nurse: We need a stool sample and a urine sample.

Man to wife: What did she say?

Wife to husband: They want your underwear.

Read More
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Attitude #Health #Life #Work
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of MM's because let's be honest here.

Read More
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Health #Life
Spoiler alert!

Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Food #Health #Time
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Health #Love
My mom drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health.

My mom drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she's a sodamasochist.

Read More
More jokes about: #Clean jokes
The "Buffolo Theory" of beer.

The "Buffolo Theory" of beer. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!

Read More
More jokes about: #Miscellaneous jokes
Smoking is hazardous to your health... and baby, you're killing me!

Smoking is hazardous to your health... and baby, you're killing me!

Read More
More jokes about: #Pick #Up #Line #Dirty #Cute #Funny #Reverse
My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

So I started smoking.

Read More
More jokes about: #Health
Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

Read More
More jokes about: #Exercise #Risk
A German taxi driver was on his shift...

A German taxi driver was on his shift...

He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament. A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. But ... read more

Read More
Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.

Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.

Nobody would survive anyway.

Read More
More jokes about: #Health #Plan
The Italian Stallion and more.

The Italian Stallion and more.

to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

"No, I'm Norwegian."

............................................................................................. After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later... he said, "Everything appears to be fine.. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" "Oh, that crazy old fucker" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

........................................................................................... Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?" So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear." The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?" She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

Read More
An Interview.

An Interview.

br>Arab: Yes, cows too.

Consul: Man....isn't that hostile?

Arab: Oh horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh dear!

Arab: Deer? No deer, they run away too fast!

Consul: Oh God!

Arab: Yeah, I know it's Good for the health

Read More
More jokes about: #Interviewed
What is a Pirates favourite section in retail?.

What is a Pirates favourite section in retail?.

Health and Booty

Read More
More jokes about: #Pirate #Retail