Best 227 Horrified Jokes and Puns

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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People think Cupid is a symbol for love.

People think Cupid is a symbol for love. Personally, I find an arrow being shot through your heart by a flying baby very horrifying.

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One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas.

One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas.

When he arrives in his pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life aginst a shark.

Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry.

Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr. Kerry, with George W. Bush and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Cheney leans over and pulls him out. Then George W. Busy and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats.

The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach.

The pope says to the men, "I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings."

The pope packs off and drives out of site.

Bush asks, "Who was that?"

"That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing and in touch with God. Leader of the Catholic Church," says Cheney.

Bush says, "Well that's all neat and fine, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?"

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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

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Navy biscuits.

Navy biscuits.

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

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Jimmy's First Cow.

Jimmy's First Cow.

One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.

He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.

His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

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A woman is looking for a birthday gift for her husband...

A woman is looking for a birthday gift for her husband...

store with thousands upon thousands of very small, very intricately carved jade statues, among other rare and interesting trinkets. The store is amazing and beautiful, but her husband isn't exactly a jade statue collecting kind of guy.

In exasperation, she decides to strike up a conversation with the kindly store owner about her predicament:

"Hello. I am looking for a birthday present for my husband, but he is a very particular sort of man and I'm having a lot of trouble finding a gift!"

The store owner smiles and holds up one finger, "Wait."

He goes to the back of the store for a moment and returns with a beautifully gilded wooden box and opens it to reveal a frog sitting calmly on a little cushion.

"This frog performs oral sex!"

For a moment the woman is horrified. But then she starts to think...well, my husband DOES have a sense of humor and I don't really like giving blowjobs. Before she can stop herself she says, "I'll take it!" She pays the man, pets the frog (the frog chirps happily), she closes the box, and drives home eager for her husband to come home.

She sets the box on the counter and prepares an elaborate birthday dinner. Her husband arrives, they enjoy a wonderful meal together, and after dessert, she shows him his new present and explains the frog's special skill.

The husband has a good chuckle about it, and they both laughingly agree that he will spend the night on the couch in order to try his new present! They go to bed.

In the middle of the night though, the woman awakens to lights under the doorjamb and a flurry of sound from the kitchen. She hears pots clanging, drawers opening and shutting. She gets up violently, storms down the hallway and sees the frog sitting neatly on the counter and her husband rummaging in the pantries and cabinets, her kitchen looking like a tornado has just been through it. "What in *God's name* is going on???" she asks.

Her husband looks at her, replies: "If this frog can cook, you're getting the fuck out of here."

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It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years.

It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years.

It was horrifying when I did the math.

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A Missionary in South America.

A Missionary in South America.

A Missionary in South America teaches native indigenous tribesman to English language. They paddling on a boat on the Amazon River and the Missionary teaches him: "This is a river. This is a forest. These are the trees. There are leaves on them. "

Down by the river they saw a couple making love. Missionary blushes and tells to a guy in the boat: They are riding a bicycle.

Native takes bow and an arrow from boat and takes a shoot at guy who makes love to an woman.

Missionary is horrified: What are you doing?!?

Native responds: He rides my bicycle.

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President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter.

They sit down to wait for President Xi, but Biden notices they still have their trousers rolled up. So he whispers: "Mr. President, take down your trousers."

Obama looks horrified. "We owe him THAT MUCH!!!"

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A boy is looking over a tall cliff...

A boy is looking over a tall cliff...

A young boy is peering down a high cliff when an old man walks over. The old man says "Hey its dangerous up here, where are your parents?". The boy tearfully replies "my mom just fell off the cliff". The old man horrified asks "Where is your father?". This time the boy falls to his knees and cries "He fell trying to save her". The old man unzips his pants and says "Sorry kid, today just isn't your day".

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Ex-Wife.....

Ex-Wife.....

An Avid Sportman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn't."

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The fowled experiment.

the fowled experiment.

scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

british engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. arrangements were made. but when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

horrified the britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words, "thaw the chicken".

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Satan in Church!.

Satan in Church!.

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.

"Yep." was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?!" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? "

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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The worst joke I can remember [NSFW] Warning: This joke is long and terrible.

The worst joke I can remember [NSFW] Warning: This joke is long and terrible.

pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature. Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on.

Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs car parked outside.

"It figures", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint. On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly. Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar. She shouted at the sheriff:

"What sort of town are you running here?! You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly! How can you explain this?!"

The sheriff sipped his beer and said, "Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age"

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Sean Bean is walking down the street.

Sean Bean is walking down the street.

ke one of them out, but the other three quickly overpower him. He feels a prick in his neck. The world goes dark.

He awakens in a room reminiscent of Saw. Harsh fluorescent lighting illuminates cold, sterile subway tile. The center of the floor holds a filthy, possibly clogged drain, contrasting with the rest of the room. His arms are held by chains that disappear into the ceiling, and his seated form is further constrained by a metal bar across his waist. The bar runs through a pair of loops and is secured by a pair of padlocks. It's clear he's not going anywhere.

It's at this time the knockout drugs relent a little more. He realizes he's not alone in the room. In an identical situation, on the other side of the room, sits the one and only Barbara Bush, former First Lady of the United States. She looks worse for wear, but a sad smile crosses her face when she sees Sean come around.

"Yes, you're not the only one they've grabbed. No, I have no idea who they are. No, I have no idea where we are. And no, I very much doubt help is coming. They took out my Secret Service agents instantly. They knew exactly what they were doing." She hangs her head. "Poor Robert. He watched me for twenty years. His family..."

"What do they want?" Bean breaks in, if only to refocus the First Lady from her sorrow.

"I don't know that either. I just heard a snippet that they serve customers with very exclusive tastes, whatever that means."

They lapsed into silence for several minutes.

The door burst open. An impressively tall man, dressed all in black, stepped through. His face was hidden in darkness within a cowl. He spoke with an impossibly deep voice. "Glad to see both of you have survived our hospitality. We wouldn't want our clients to be disappointed."

"What do you want with us?" Sean demanded.

"Oh, we have something very special to offer. Our clients have tasted all the delicacies of the world. Every exotic dish, they have sampled and grown bored with. It is our job to discover new, more exciting ways to tickle their palates."

"They're going to eat us?" Barbara exclaimed, horrified.

The giant laughed. "Oh, nothing so passe my dear. We merely prepare our proteins in...unique ways." He waved behind him, and a crew hustled in. Barbara struggled, but they easily injected her restrained form, and she slumped, unconscious. Sean received similar treatment, and the world went black again.

He awoke on a stage with excruciating, burning pain in his abdomen. The glaring white lights didn't prevent him from seeing the former First Lady was to his left, also on the stage. Her abdomen was similarly distended. He felt rather than saw hundreds of eyes on him, out in the dark theater. Finally, he realized someone was speaking at a podium to his right. It was the giant.

"...and you know how this works. Our bidding on the First Lady begins at $500,000."

It quickly rose past $600,000, eventually settling on an even million dollars. When the gavel came down, a chef sliced open the distended stomach of the woman and extracted a perfectly cooked Cornish game hen. With a flourish, he served it to the winning bidder.

A surgeon quickly sewed her up and wheeled her off the stage.

Sean now knew it was his turn. The bidding began in earnest, and he was surprised when it raced past a million. Then $1.5 million, then $1.75 million, before finally settling on $2 million. Despite all the torture, despite his horrifying situation, a tiny piece of his actor's ego was pleased. The chef again approached with his razor-sharp knife. He sliced open the actor and pulled out one perfectly cooked Cornish game hen.

Before the pain and blood loss could make him pass out again, he had to ask. He could not stop the question from passing his lips.

"Auctioneer! Why? Why $2 million for me and $1 million for her?"

"Sean, don't you know? A bird in the Hand is worth two in the Bush."

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Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available,.

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available,.

An elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

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In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”.

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So... read more

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I scared a German the other day.

I scared a German the other day.

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap). After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage. The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate and just put the sausage in my mug. I guess Germans really are afraid o... read more

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Death or Boogaloo ?.

Death or Boogaloo ?.

Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.

The chief walks to the men and says, What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo? The first man thinks for a second and replies, I choose Boogaloo .

The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo . The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.

The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, You must choose, Death or Boogaloo ?

The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, I choose death .

The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, Death by boogaloo!!!

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