Best 443 Insults Jokes and Puns

Roses are red.

Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo. Do not worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

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A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

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Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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More jokes about: #Family jokes
Bob was in trouble.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

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More jokes about: #Sexist jokes #Insult jokes
Light travels faster than sound.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

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Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.

Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.

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A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

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More jokes about: #Insult jokes #Popular jokes
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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More jokes about: #How to be insulting
Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

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Some guy called me a tool.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

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Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

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If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!"

If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.

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More jokes about: #How to be insulting
Yo momma is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.

Yo momma is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.

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More jokes about: #How to be insulting
You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.

You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Insults #School #Ugly
Insult: Your a fail!

Insult: Your a fail!

Comeback: So was your dad's condom.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback