The creator of mad libs died this week

The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

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Did you hear the joke about the death of the creator of Mad Libs?.

Did you hear the joke about the death of the creator of Mad Libs?.

I never thought ________ would happen during _______

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Using the word 'definitely'.

Using the word 'definitely'.

A 3rd grade English teacher stood in front of her class and asked for volunteers to use the word 'definitely' to describe something.

The first student, Johnny, raised his hand and said "Teacher, the sky is definitely blue!"

The teacher responds "Well Johnny, sometimes the sky can be grey and sometimes it can be black." Defeated, Johnny put his hand down.

The next student, Susie, looking to make Johnny look bad proudly said "The grass is definitely green."

Teacher responded "Not so true Susie. When the grass dies, it can be brown, or yellow." Susie was embarrassed.

The teacher looked around the room and saw a puzzled look on her student's faces. Just as she was about the help her students out, little Billy threw his hand up.

"Yes Billy?"

"Teacher, are farts lumpy?" Little Billy asked.

"No Billy, farts are not lumpy."

"....Then I definitely just pooped my pants."

EDIT - Names...D'oh. Face meet palm

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Topical Jokes for April.

Topical Jokes for April.

rd Branson is hosting a digital currency summit on his private Caribbean island.

So he’s one golden gun away from being a James Bond villain.

In Michigan, a girl with cancer was expelled from middle school because she’d had too many absences. The school’s attitude is, if you’re healthy enough to go out and get cancer treatment, you’re healthy enough to go to class.

China is cracking down on funerals that hire strippers to perform. The biggest problem with the funerals, is that too many people are showing up.

...proponents of the funeral strippers say it’s nice to see the departed get one final lapdance.

In Atlanta, Lil Wayne’s tour bus was shot multiple times. Making Lil Wayne’s tour bus another of many inanimate objects, that have more street cred than Lil Wayne.

In Nigeria, a woman divorced her husband because his penis was too big. The woman described her husband’s penis as really long, hairy, and had a foot on the end of it.


In Iowa, a man called the police to report that his bag of dog poop had been stolen. Police already have the suspect in custody, and good news, they caught him brown-handed.

In Pennsylvania, a woman told police her car accident was caused by her parrot who was drinking coffee. Police questioned the parrot, but all it said was, “Polly want a latte!”

In Texas, a Walmart employee was arrested after stealing more than $230,000 dollars from the store. If convicted, the woman could be facing a life sentence as a Walmart greeter.

In Sierra Leone, schools closed due to an Ebola outbreak have re-opened after eight months. The schools are pretty dusty, so students are busy licking every surface clean.

Documents revealed that Ben Affleck kept PBS from revealing that his ancestors owned slaves. Affleck even tried to bribe one PBS executive by offering to give him Matt Damon.

...In reality, Ben Affleck’s ancestors never owned a slave, they just borrowed their neighbor’s slave once and never returned it.

A North Korean defector says that watching “The Interview” could cause North Koreans to revolt. And that’s just to get them to turn the movie off.

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5) Onced" and "Twiced" are words..

6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

7) "Jawl-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"

People actually grow and eat okra.

9) "Fixinto" is one word.

10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...

11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar..

12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' 'bout you.

13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is.. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...

15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em.

16) You measure distance in minutes.

17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

19) You know what a "Dawg" is.

20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.

21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony Chachere's, Tabasco , and ketchup.

22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and LSU football...

23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."

25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."

27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather..

28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.

29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Louisiana friends and those who just wish they were from Louisiana !!!!

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The Watchmaker.

The Watchmaker.

ow it was dark, very dark, and he wasn't sure whether he had turned down the third alley, or the fourth. Or maybe the fifth. The second?

But he could see dim light flickering at the end of the alley, past the shrouded grey cobblestones and the hulking black dumpsters, and with the light headed optimism of the young and intoxicated he was quite sure that he was heading in the right direction.

He moved towards the light, and when he was 20 paces away he saw it to be a single small window, glassless, spilling a dry and irregular orange glow out into the gloom.

His body had started to slow before his brain had time to think. A dull feeling of *wrongness* crept into the night air, mixed with the bitter tang that seeped out of the dumpsters into the warm air around him.

Without willing it, his breath became quieter, his footsteps lighter, his approach more cautious. But he kept moving forward.

He found himself drawn to the window, and such was the compulsion that it seemed to The Boy like he was standing still and the window was floating towards him. Like the distance was being closed whether The Boy wanted it to or not.

He watched, detached from his own movements, as he came silently in front of the opening. His eyes pinched for a second against the glare of the quietly thrumming lantern that illuminated the room, then the soft pain behind his eyes receded and he began to make sense of what he was seeing.

The window opened into a single small room that was cluttered with an incomprehensible multitude of instruments, many of them of bronze and leather, and all of them of a variety of shapes and sizes that seemed recognisably functional but otherwise alien.

The instruments were arranged in orderly rows along the walls, but were so great in number that they also accumulated in disorganised piles around the periphery of the space.

In the middle of the room was a square wooden table, and hunched over the table was a small figure.

The figure was facing diagonally away from The Boy, and The Boy could only make out a weathered grey overcoat and the flickering suggestion of the wizened profile of a wrinkled old man.

The figure was absolutely ensconced in whatever he was doing, and The Boy found himself irresistibly drawn to the windowsill as he squinted and craned, trying to see what the figure was doing.

The Boy barely breathed in the warm night air. Everything was quiet.

The Boy watched as the figure lifted a coiled silver spring from the table and held it up to the lantern light. The figure methodically pulled a pair of pliers from the wall and pinched it to one end of the spring. With a slow, fluid motion, he pulled on the end of the spring with the pliers and drew the spring out until it was almost an arm's length. The coils unfurled smoothly and silently.

The figure lifted a square white cloth from the table and began to run it along the length of the uncoiled spring. The figure's motions were slow, almost loving, as he drew the cloth back and forth across the shimmering wire.

After some time, the figure drew another tool, a simple metal shaft with an indecipherable inscription along its length, and began to coil the spring back around it. All of this was undertaken with an unhurried but incredibly focused fluidity that suggested true artisanal mastery.

When the spring had been returned to a tight coil, the figure lay it gently on the table, and picked up a second, smaller spring. He reached slowly for a different set of pliers and then paused. His back straightened imperceptibly and he stopped. The air stopped moving around him. The Boy's breathing stopped. Time stopped.

The figure began to turn towards the boy with what seemed like the speed of an hour hand on a watch face. The lantern light flickered across the figure's profile and The Boy saw on that leathered face the deeply etched lines of Time so heavy that it filled The Boy with empty fear.

The figure turned completely to The Boy and The Boy was consumed by two huge black pupils, enlarged into grotesque caricature by a thick pair of gold-rimmed spectacles.

The figure assessed The Boy silently, and after several eternal seconds The Boy found some remnants of his voice and managed to speak.

"What are you doing?" asked The Boy.

The figure's mouth creaked open, his tongue sliding across his top lip like an inquisitive worm testing out the outdoor air.

The figure spoke.

"Just some spring cleaning"

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