“Oi, you!”

“Oi, you!”.

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction. “The youth of today... read more

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Two sheep walk into a bar..

two sheep walk into a bar..

The barman says "oi you two out of ere!"

and a third sheep comes stumbling in "its 3 ewes mate!" as Bono packs up his microphome.

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An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand when...

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand when...

he happened to glance over a fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The shocked Aussie climbed the fence and walked over to the fellow. "You know, mate," he pointedly remarked, "back home we shear those."The New Zealander looked at the intruder defiantly and said, "I'm not bloody s... read more

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So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West.

So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West.

month, he starts

getting randy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of

sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the

sheep. Well, our hero isn't real happy about this, but he's really

desperate. He buys a bottle to nerve himself up. He goes and finds the

nearest flock, and decides that if he's going to do this at all, he's going

to do it right. He spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest

sheep in the flock. He shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck.

Puts a little bell on her collar. He's also getting pretty drunk. By

evening, he's done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly.

He's so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town

and show her off at the saloon. He walks in with the sheep, and the room

goes quiet. Everybody's staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda

recoiling in shock and horror. He's ashamed, but he's drunk enough; he

slurs out, "Whassamada, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?"

Finally, one old timer pipes up. "Yeah, boy, but you got the

sheriff's girl."

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A man is shipwrecked on an island.

A man is shipwrecked on an island.

xt day the shipwrecked man is bored as hell and asks what they do for fun around here.

One of the shepherds says, "See all those sheep on the hills? We go out there and fuck 'em."

"Seriously?"

"Hey mate, don't knock it till you try it!"

The visitor realizes he must have ended up in New Zealand and sulks off to his room to get away from the filthy Kiwis.

The next day, he's so bored, he sneaks out to the pasture and starts fucking one of the ewes, whose bleats echo the hills. He's having such a good romp that he doesn't notice the two shepherds leaning against the fence. When he looks over, they burst out in laughter.

He pulls his dick out of the sheep and calls out, "hey, what's so funny? I thought you said you fuck the sheep around here!"

The shepherd gestures with his arm towards the ewe and, amidst his uproarious laughter, is barely able to sputter out, "Oi mate, not the ugly ones!"

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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town.

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town.

r of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Sure”, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said,”Oi mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff.”

The landlord nodded and said, “Oh well, if you’re that far in, you might as well finish.

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Dear Santa.

Dear Santa.

s,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you

asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

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