Are you ready for a bone-afide good story that will definitely tickle your funny bone?

Are you ready for a bone-afide good story that will definitely tickle your funny bone?.

In a land far far away, lives a locksmith. This locksmith however, has two very special traits. One, he is an undead skeleton retired from being a lowly exp grind mob, and two, is able to open any lock. His skills are unrivaled, but when even he is stumped, he can detach one of his bones to utilize ... read more

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What do you call Napoleon with detached penis?.

What do you call Napoleon with detached penis?.

**Bone apart**

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More jokes about: #Detach
The Pig-Fucker Joke (NSFW).

The Pig-Fucker Joke (NSFW).

and his trusty doberman, who was sailing with them. The man adapts, survives, etc. Fishes with a spear, makes fire, builds his own hut, purifies his own water, and feeds his four-legged friends, etc. Cast Away style and shit.

After a few months the man starts to get a little *lonely.* The pig is starting to look pretty good -- that soft, pink flesh, that nice, round ass... those thin, wiry, blonde hair strands.

So one day he's gazing into the eyes of his beautiful pig. He pets his pig. He then begins to grope his pig. One thing leads to another, and soon enough, the man is inside of his pig, performing smooth, insidious thrusts. In the heat of his moment, the man's doberman starts biting at his ankle, trying to wrangle him around.

"AH SHIT!" the man yells, kicks the dog, and begins to nurse his injury.

Days later, Dog's out on the beach digging a hole or whatever... chasing crabs and shit. The man is yet again alone with his pig and starts to feel that urge.

He goes over to the pig, double-checks to see his dog preoccupied, and starts railing this pig. Sure enough, the second he looks down, there's his fucking trusty doberman again, gnawing his leg.

"GAH! DAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK???" He screams, kicks some sand at the dog, and wraps up his ankle with some leaves.

Next day, man sees his dog playing with a stick.

Thinks, "Hm... dog+stick..."

Takes the stick, and throws it as far as he can into the jungle. Dog bolts into the trees in pursuit of the stick.

"AIN'T NO DOG GONNA FIND NO STICK IN NO JUNGLE! HA! HA! HA!" he says, running for his pig. He plops down on his knees behind Pig, and gets back to business.

Amongst his passion, the man recognizes a burning pain in his lower leg. He detaches from his piggy fantasies to see the doberman teeth-deep into his ankle yet again, blood all over the goddamn place.

"OH GOD DAMMIT PISS!" He dresses his wounds, and then in overwhelming frustration, the man collapses for a nap.

The next day the man is staring into the horizon, when he sees a ship. He looks closer only to notice that there is a figure atop the ship, a woman. Not only is she a woman, but a *drop-dead gorgeous* woman.

So Dude swims out there Baywatch style, saves the woman just as the ship sinks below the surface, and brings her back to his island. She's completely unconscious.

He finally revives her and she says to him, "Oh my god thank you so much! You saved my life!! I wish there was something I could do to repay you! Oh! Anything, I'll do anything!"

So, Dude thinks for a minute and says: "Well... you wanna take my dog for a walk?"

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There was once a skeleton who enjoyed comedy...

There was once a skeleton who enjoyed comedy...

when an old oil lamp falls out of a dumpster. The skeleton realizes this is his big opportunity. He gives the lamp a rub, and out comes a genie! The genie looks at the skeleton, and says, "So, you've found my lamp. I will grant you 2 wishes, and your wishes will be granted as long as you fulfill a promise. You must bring my lamp far away, so that it will be lost, and be found by someone completely different. Is this acceptable?" The skeleton agrees. He begins an arduous journey.

After a long journey, far to the end of the world, he sets the lamp down, and the genie re-appears. "You have fulfilled your promise. Now, I will grant your wishes." The skeleton is overjoyed. "Well, for my first wish, I want to know every comedic routine on Earth, even ones that are newly invented when they happen, every joke, every pun, everything related to humor." The genie nods, but says, "If I grant this wish, you may no longer enjoy humor. The foreknowledge of every punchline, how every routine ends up, you'll become a grouchy, unhappy skeleton who can't enjoy simple humor. Are you sure you want me to grant it?" The skeleton says yes. So the wish is granted.

The rest of the joke doesn't matter, he now already knows the punchline is that he didn't want to have only the bare bones of humor anymore.

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Ferrari vs Scooter.

Ferrari vs Scooter.

eside him in a beautiful red convertible Ferrari. Being a nice guy he says to the business man, "sure is a nice car you have there sir." Being a pompous dick and not wanting to talk to a lowly old man riding a scooter, the business man flips him off, and rolls up the window. He then decides, I am gonna show this old man how awesome me and my car really is. As soon as the light goes green the business man floors the Ferrari attempting to leave him in the dust. As he takes off the he looks in his rear view mirror and to his amazement he can see the old man on the scooter not far behind and gaining on him. Not to be made a fool of the business man gives it all he's got accelerating to 100 mph. He looks in his mirror again expecting the old man to be left behind but to his utter amazement the old man is still close behind and gaining!! The business man is seriously humbled that this scooter could keep up and decides to stop and admit defeat to the ol coot. The pair finally come to a stop and the business man rolls his window back down, "sir I want to apologize for my behavior back there, I shouldn't have flipped you off and thought so poorly about you and your scooter. You obviously have a good scooter that is just as amazing as my awesome car." The old man almost out of breath and heart racing from going so fast says, "no need to apologize, I was a little upset at first, but when you rolled your window up with my suspenders caught in there you gave me the feelings of excitement and adrenaline I haven't had in years!"

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Three Worst Chinese Tortures.

Three Worst Chinese Tortures.

of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my daughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the daughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her father and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "First Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test. Is this the best the old man can do?" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "Second worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock, figuring broken bones was better than castration. Outside the window is a third sign saying "Third worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

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More jokes about: #Torture
When I was 10.

When I was 10.

ich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.

Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

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