I offered to give my daughter a lift to school

I offered to give my daughter a lift to school.

"Come on," said my wife, "she's big enough to take the bus by herself."

I said, "That's harsh. She's not *that* overweight."

A lady waits for the bus.

An old Soviet lady has been waiting for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in.

When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, thank God!" The driver overheard her and said, "Mother, you must not say that, You must say 'thank comrade Stalin'."

"Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me."

After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?" "Well, then you may say, 'Thank God!'"

Overweight.

My doctor said I am overweight, I asked for a 2nd opinion. He said you're f**king ugly as well.

Gravity is a harsh mistress...

*... but she has reasonable rates!*

My roommate took his dog to the vet this morning and they told him that he was overweight.

And to make it worse, they said the dog is overweight too.

How does a feminist know she's overweight?.

She doesn't

Yo mamma so hairy when she lifted her armpit she said, "Welcome to the jungle."