Best 262 Lazy Jokes and Puns

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793

You were too lazy to read that number.

Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy. I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.

But the gun is like... way over there.

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia

grandma a question if they aren’t

prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town

prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, a grandmotherly, elderly

woman to the stand. He approached her

and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know

me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do

know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you

since you were a boy, and frankly,

you’ve been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you

manipulate people and talk about them

behind their backs. You think you’re a

big shot when you haven’t the brains to

realize you’ll never amount to anything

more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I

know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing

what else to do, he pointed across the

room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you

know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve

known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he

has a drinking problem. He can’t build a

normal relationship with anyone, and

his law practice is one of the worst in

the entire state. Not to mention he

cheated on his wife with three different

women. One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to

approach the bench and, in a very quiet

voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she

knows me, I’ll send you both to the

electric chair.

Yo mama so lazy she has a remote for the TV remote.

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.

“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

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How to do sit-ups: Lay down, hands behind your head. Wow, this is a good position for a nap. Maybe I'll just take a nap.

Lazy fact #0472728917162739472652

You were reallylazy to read that number :)

Scientists have discovered the best way to cure laziness.

Unfortunately nobody has bothered to read the article.

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y... read more

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

A man is walking down a hallway when he accidentally bumps into a woman with a lazy eye...

"Hey! Why don't you watch where you're going!" She exclaims. The man replies, "Why don't you go where you're watching?"

There is one thing I hate about lazy and entitled cannibals.

They're always looking for handouts.

Ironically jogging pants are mostly worn by the laziest people.

Sarah, i understand that you are a feminist...

...but you can't end your prayer with "awomen" instead of "amen"

credits to an anonymous facebook post of which i was too lazy to read the name

The moon landings are staged and, in fact, completely created by a film crew and everything.

The only thing is that the director was too lazy so he said just to film it on location.

What does santa do with a lazy reindeer?.

Sleighs 'em