Best 5237 Life Jokes and Puns

A dick has a sad life.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
Husband (watching a video):

Husband (watching a video):

Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?

Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny
Guy: FAIL!

Guy: FAIL!!

Me: no one asked you for your life story.

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life.

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

Read More
More jokes about: #Science jokes
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?Her: Awww... Yes!!!Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #It #Life #Puns
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Read More
If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic.

If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Read More
If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock?

If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock?

Oh wait... Twilight

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" Student: "My father's check book!"

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up drink my poison."

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny
Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

Read More
More jokes about: #Sports jokes
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Life #Marriage
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Attitude #Fat #Life #Men #Women
*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*

*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*

boy: "Mommy?"

mom: "What?"

boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?"

mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life."

boy: "... so why is the boy dressed in black?"

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny
9-1-1

9-1-1

Parody of "Jingle Bells"

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis

Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!

The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,

I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!

9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!

Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!

Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,

But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny