Best 384 Loss Jokes and Puns

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

Read More
A white guy, a black guy, and a spanish guy jump off a building.

A white guy, a black guy, and a spanish guy jump off a building. They all die on impact and their families mourn their loss for years to come.

Read More
Best way to answer phone:

Best way to answer phone:

Mario's pizzeria and abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce.

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
Mama Mia’s pizzeria and abortion clinic.

Mama Mia’s pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.

Read More
More jokes about: #Sauce
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

Read More
More jokes about: #One #Liner #Doctor #Life #Sarcastic
I bet you won't know this, I'm not expecting you to know, I am expecting you to read this.

I bet you won't know this, I'm not expecting you to know, I am expecting you to read this.

Humans kill 3 sharks a second just for shark fin soup! That is if they keep it up for a whole lifetime starting as you read this (that is impossible because they would all be extinct) but if we did and you had a life of 80 years then 20,736,000 sharks would have been killed by humans just for a bowl of shark fin soup.

Shark fin soup is horrible and the shark fins only add a bit of texture. People only eat it on special occasions like weddings to make a statement.

People hook them through the skin pull them out of the water alive where they can't breathe and slice all their fins off while they are still alive! Then they just drop the rest back in the ocean the shark still alive and dropped into the water alive to drown (sharks can't breathe unless they move at a fast enough speed through the water). This is just RIDICULOUS.

Over the last 5 years only an average of 3 people were killed each year by sharks with a maximum of 4 in the highest year. In contrast we are killing close to 100 million sharks per year and most of them are simply killed for their fins to make shark fin soup, a status symbol in China. Next time you go into a Chinese restaurant and you see shark fin soup on the menu remember an animal that has almost the same life span as you died for that soup and his fins were severed from his body and the body dumped over the side. Virtually all the shark attacks happened because the shark thought the victim was either a seal (in the case of a surfer think how a surfer looks from below) or there was poor visibility in shallow water. Virtually all attacks are a single bite and the shark didnt come back for more because it didnt taste like he expected. The deaths are usually due to blood loss.

Sharks have far more to fear from us than we do from them, and if you listen to years of extensive research made by many dedicated scientists, you will press kick ass.

Thank you.

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny #Anti humor
In the year 2000 Joe Lieberman ran for president, being that he was the first potential Jew in high office he was given a lot of attention.

In the year 2000 Joe Lieberman ran for president, being that he was the first potential Jew in high office he was given a lot of attention. After a disappointing loss Joe walked into his house. “Don’t worry” said his wife “in this house you’ll always be vice president!”

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny #Speech #Openers #Stories #Jewish
For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t?

For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You dont know Jack Sh*t." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Sh*t is the only son of Awe Sh*t, who married O Sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep 'N Sh*t, Inc. In turn, Jack Sh*t married No Sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t married Lotta Sh*t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Sh*t. Fulla Sh*t and Giva Sh*t married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Sh*t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Sh*t!

Read More
More jokes about: #Popular jokes
"And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right.

"And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny
In the year 2000 Joe Lieberman ran for president, being that he was the first potential Jew in high office he was given a lot of attention.

In the year 2000 Joe Lieberman ran for president, being that he was the first potential Jew in high office he was given a lot of attention. After a disappointing loss Joe walked into his house. “Don’t worry” said his wife “in this house you’ll always be vice president!”

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]

please wait...

Rating: 2.8/5 (403 votes cast)

share me!

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny #Speech #Openers #Stories #Jewish
A man had come back from his hunting trip in Africa.

A man had come back from his hunting trip in Africa. He Gloats to his friend about the Giant, silver back Gorilla he had spent the whole time tracking.

"All I had on me to kill it was my lucky Cricket Bat, my Hunting Rifle with only one bullet, and my two Hunting Knives" explained the man.

"Did you kill it in the end?" asked his friend.

"Sure did" Grinned the man. "It was quite tricky, but I did"

"How so?" said the friend.

"Well" he explained, "when I had finally found the beast, I first attempted to knock it out with my bat, but the brute snatched it out my hand, pushed me aside, and snapped it half. Angry at loss of my lucky bat, I preceded to load my one bullet into my rifle and fired at the animal, but the swift git was quick enough to dodge it. I was furious at this point, I threw my gun the floor, and in my rage I took out both of my knives and threw them at him, but the cheeky bastard managed to catch both of them in mid air"

This left the friend confused, so he finally asked the man "had did you manage to kill it then?"

"Well you see" explained the man "after it had caught my knives, it started to beat it's chests shouting AaaaaAAaaaaAAaaAAaaaa!"

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny
THIS IS SOOOOO FUNNY..........

THIS IS SOOOOO FUNNY..........

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who

purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted

this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol Pawn Shop that

sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was

looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The

effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat

to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it

against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is

on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that

it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh blood moving

target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a

second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect

herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work

as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out

of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'

long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and

(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to

one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE

HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,

picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,

over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with

tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,

clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an

attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living

room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,

one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when

you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your

hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst

would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing

at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The

recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom

lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant

reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with

it!

Read More
More jokes about: #Funny
How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?.

How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?.

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.

Read More
More jokes about: #Madly #Singers
A couple have surprise twins, and they name the girl Denise...

A couple have surprise twins, and they name the girl Denise...

At a complete loss of what to name their bouncing baby boy, they employ the help of the father's brother.He comes into the room and peers over the twins, assessing their features.He rubs his chin, noticing how different the twins are.Of course, one is a girl, and one is a boy.... read more

Read More
More jokes about: #Assess
Donald Trump is giving a speech at an elementary school.

Donald Trump is giving a speech at an elementary school.

He is trying to explain to these young children what a tragedy is. A young boy asks if his parents dying from a terrible illness is a tragedy.

"No," Trump replies, "I would consider that a great loss"

A young girl asks if a train derailing, killing all 250 people onbard would be a tragedy.

"No, that is what you call an accident." Trump again replies.

"Look, say if I was flying in my presidential jet, and it crashed and I died, then that would be a tragedy."

A little girl responds, "Well I agree, it certainly would be no great loss, nor would it be an accident."

Read More
More jokes about: #Illness #Speech
Fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks.

for a trade?" The boy agrees and they go inside to have sex. Afterwards the lady says to the boy "You were pretty good, if you can do it again I'll give you your duck back" the boy once again agrees and they go back inside. After their second time they go back outside and the lady gives the boy his duck back, but as she hands it over it flies out of her hand and into traffic where a car hits it. The driver runs out and over to the boy apologizing profusely and offers the boy $50 for the loss of his duck. The boy goes back home and his mother asks him how he did, the boy says "Well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck."

Read More
More jokes about: #Hay #Fifty
Donald Trump is visiting a school.

Donald Trump is visiting a school.

He enters one of the classrooms and asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.""No", says Trump. "That would be an ACC... read more

Read More
When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.

When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.

Yeah, right. Next time, they're probably gonna say that caffeine causes memory loss.

Read More
More jokes about: #Drinkin
Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?".

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

Read More
More jokes about: #Memory #Loss #Short
There was an obese man watching tv...

There was an obese man watching tv...

He saw an ad for weight loss but it didn't say how it worked all it showed was all kinds of success stories. So big boy picked up the phone and called the number. The next day he heard his doorbell and rolled to the door. When he opened the door he saw a naked chunky girl in shoes and a ... read more

Read More
More jokes about: #Watching #Tv #Hobble #Obese #Weight #Loss