Best 70 Lotion Jokes and Puns

*How to survive a shark attack*

1: Don't swim in the ocean.

Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.

2: Listen out for the music.

In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da , daah-da " chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3: Swim with fat people.

Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don't go into the water without a knife.

This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freekin life.

5: Don't panic.

In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.

Show me a man on a dry spell and I'll show you a room with a lot of empty bottles of hand lotion.

What's Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash?.

Jergen's lotion.

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?.

It was poetry in lotion

What kind of skin lotion do acrobats use?.

Cirque d'Olay

Be wary of your bicycle . . .

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell my wife, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So my wife went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

So my wife replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

After the Iowa Caucus,.

n, or it gets the hose". She refused, and they all heard screaming as ice cold water sprayed the victim. He stood over the next well "It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose!". This time the victim complied. He went around repeating his demand to each one, until he was standing over Sanders. "Save your breath you sick bastard, just do your worst!"

The psycho just laughed. "That's ok old man, I saw the caucus. You already got hosed".

What kind of sun tan lotion does Macklemore put on?.

...SPF Thrifty.

A drunk Guy goes to the doctor with a totally orange penis.

doc asks the guy, “Any itching?” “No.” “Used any weird lotions or creams?” “No.” “Is this recent?” “Oh, the last few weeks, since I got a new job.” “Anything different about your routine since the new job?” ... read more

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long].

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r... read more

A priest is taking a bath.

and realizes he forgot to grab soap. He grabs his towel and runs down the halls of his church to grab some. He gets to the storage closet and grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the tub. As he rounds the corner he hears 3 nuns approaching. Instead of being caught by the nuns in... read more

Some moisturising lotion takes as long as 60 seconds to be absorbed into your skin.

Just let that sink in for a minute

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl... read more

A guy is sentenced to prison.

you a choice. Do you want to do it with or without lotion?"

The new guy is scared, but reluctantly says: "I guess there is no way I can avoid this. At least let's do it with lotion then."

The big guy yells: "Hey Lotion, come over, this guy wants a threesome!"

I was surprised that my skin products kept moving around my medicine cabinet.

But it turns out it was just brownian lotion.

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage.

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.He says, "What should I expect?" She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio... read more

I hate when my massage therapist smears the lotion counter-clockwise.

She really rubs me the wrong way.

A woman arrives home to find that her place has been broken into.

Among the items that have been stolen are her jewelry, money, and her collection of expensive lotions. Police come to file a report and ask her if she would possibly know of any suspects. She responds "No officer, I have no idea of who would do this. But whoever it is is one smooth criminal."

What do you call a robber with good skin?.

A Smooth Criminal.

The beauty industry:.

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow