Best 58 Manchester Jokes and Puns

The CEO of ryanair walked into a bar.

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar.

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "We d... read more

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What do Manchester girls use for protection during sex?.

What do Manchester girls use for protection during sex?.

A bus shelter.

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What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United & the black eyed peas have in Common?.

What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United the black eyed peas have in Common?.

It all went to shit when fergie left.

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More jokes about: #Shit
A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

o stay with your grandparents instead?' the judge asked.

But the boy didn't reply.

The judge was furious, but he maintained his composure for the sake of the boy.

'Please come up here so I can better hear you' The judge said.

The little boy walked up and gingerly sat down on the judge's lap.

'Now my boy. I am here to make sure that no one will ever hurt you again. I'm afraid that I don't know who has been violent against you and who hasn't. So it is entirely up to you. Tell me who you would feel safest with and I will make sure those are the ones that will take care of you.'

The boy thought long and hard and answered: 'Manchester United. They've never beaten anyone.'

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An ad for a hedge clipper that 
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” Michael Goldstone, Manchester, England

An ad for a hedge clipper that

I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” Michael Goldstone, Manchester, England

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4 football fans were in a plane crash.

4 football fans were in a plane crash.

They all survive, until one day. The barcelona fan dies. So the 3 remaining fans decide they should eat the part of him depending on what team they like.

The first guy likes Liverpool, so he got to eat the liver.

The second guy likes Manchester, so he got to eat the chest.

The third guy starts to cry.

Whats wrong? Asks the other 2.

I like Arsenal..

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More jokes about: #Survive #Chest #Fans
What has 10 teeth and 100 legs?.

What has 10 teeth and 100 legs?.

The queue at Manchester town centre post office.....

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3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester. “I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool. “I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

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More jokes about: #Strand #Divide
How are Manchester City and Oscar Pistorius similar?.

How are Manchester City and Oscar Pistorius similar?.

They lost both legs, but still managed to get four shots on target.

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More jokes about: #Oscar
There's a new drinking game that you can play.

There's a new drinking game that you can play.

You can only take a shot when Manchester United do.It's called dry January.

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More jokes about: #January
A liverpool fan, an arsenal fan and a manchester united fan were doing illegal drugs.

a liverpool fan, an arsenal fan and a manchester united fan were doing illegal drugs.

low on my back” however the pillow only lasted 5 whips before it broke, leaving the arsenal fan in tears of pain. the Man U fan went next, he said, “please fix 4 pillows on my back” but the four pillows barely lasted 15 whips, leaving the Man U fan in much pain as well. when it was the liverpool fans turn, the man in charge whispered, “you may have two wishes, i’m a liverpool fan too. he profusely thanks him, and requested 100 whips instead, everyone was puzzled, and thought he was suicidal. but for his second wish, he said:

“tie the Man U fan on my back”

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Why did..

Why did..

Q : Why did Manchester United go to Stamford Bridge?A : Four Nothing

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A man walks into a bar in Manchester.

A man walks into a bar in Manchester.

explain.

“See that bloke there at the end of the bar?” She says. “That’s Big Mick. He’s the hardest bloke in Manchester. You’ve got to knock him out in one punch. That’s the first part”

“Okay...” Says the man. “What’s the second part?”

“Well, Big Mick’s got a big dog with one big tooth. He’s round the back. You’ve got to tackle the dog, pull out his tooth and put it right here on the bar.”

The bloke was getting tempted now. “Right, and what’s the third part?”

“Big Mick’s mum owns the pub. She’s 86 and she’s never had an orgasm. She lives upstairs. You’ve got to go up there and give her the time of her life.”

“Fuck it!” the man exclaims. He shoves a rolled up £20 note in the box, walks over to Big Mick and lays him out flat. People are shocked.

He walks outside and round to the back where he sees a snarling Rottweiler tied to a post. There’s a crowd gathering now.

He gets the dog by the neck and goes at it. The dogs screaming, shaking and slobbering all over the place. People can’t believe what they’re seeing. He finishes the job, wipes the sweat from his forehead, runs back into the pub and shouts

**“Right then, where’s this old girl with the dodgy tooth?!”**

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More jokes about: #Tempted #Tempt #Manchester #Ey
A little boy was at the centre of a custody battle.

A little boy was at the centre of a custody battle.

t anyone.

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More jokes about: #Custody #Manchester #Centre
What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United & the black eyed peas have in Comon?.

What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United the black eyed peas have in Comon?.

It all went to shit when fergie left.

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More jokes about: #Peas #Pea
*David Beckham* gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.

*David Beckham* gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.

He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.

After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"

Driver replies: No, you eejit! Where are we going??

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More jokes about: #Hint #Spice #Beckham
I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.

I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.

I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.

I'm now confused...

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More jokes about: #Analogy #Defence
Manchester United.

Manchester United.

iver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,"

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door!"

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More jokes about: #Joseph #Manchester
A Manchester United fan, Liverpool fan and an Everton fan were caught drinking in Saudi Arabia....

A Manchester United fan, Liverpool fan and an Everton fan were caught drinking in Saudi Arabia....

An Everton fan, a Liverpool fan and a Manchester United fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.... read more

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More jokes about: #Unite
A classic British football joke.

A classic British football joke.

mm, I support Arsenal.. But I'm not hungry".

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More jokes about: #Liver #Manchester