Best 2642 Marry Jokes and Puns

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

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A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

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Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head.

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

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Boy : Marry me.. ?

Boy : Marry me.. ?

Girl: Do you have a house..?

Boy : No..

Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?

Boy : No..

Girl: How much is your salary.. ?

Boy : No salary.. but,..

Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i

marry you.??

Leave please.!

Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3

property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I

still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the

salary when actually I am the BOSS

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”

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After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student:

“Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor:

“Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student:

“Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor:

“Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student:

“What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

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Son: "Dad!

Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"

Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

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After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

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Boy: Will you marry me?

Boy: Will you marry me?

Girl: Sorry, I am a lesbian.

Boy: What’s a lesbian?

Girl: I like to sleep with girls.

Boy: haha really? I am also lesbian!

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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

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An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old." Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?" Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?" Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

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A married couple are out one night at a dance club.

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

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There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit.

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

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Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation:

“A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.

We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter.

Later, my father married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.

And my father became my stepson.

Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.

This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son.

But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.

This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!”

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A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."

The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

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A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him 'professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?

A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor decided to make a deal with him 'professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?

He asked. 'Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u lecturing u on the subject' he replied. The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an 'A" the professor laughed but agreed.

The boy continued, 'what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal neither legal nor logical?

The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer. He had to finally give up as he really did not know. He gave the boy his 'A' the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal neither legal nor logical?

He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer. He pointed out one student and waited:

"sir, u're 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife's boyfriend has failed his exam yet u have given him an 'A'. That is neither logical nor legal".

The professor collapsed. --__--

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