Best 1011 Mate Jokes and Puns

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

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More jokes about: #Sports jokes
Bitch: Your so ugly!

Bitch: Your so ugly!

Me: look mate , you wear too much make up, you look like you've been gang banged by crayola!

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'"

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent be baptized your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Dick Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me."

George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Dick Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Cheney took George W. outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!" "No kidding," replied George W., "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
What is the mating call of a blond?

What is the mating call of a blond? I'm so drunk. What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that blonde gone yet? What is ther mating call of a redhead? NEXT!

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
Q:Why don't bunnies make noise while they are mating?

Q:Why don't bunnies make noise while they are mating?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Animal
My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek.

My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.

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Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

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My mate was getting married and afterwards i was speaking to his new wife saying "congratulations hun, you look good in fact you remind me of kate middleton"

My mate was getting married and afterwards i was speaking to his new wife saying "congratulations hun, you look good in fact you remind me of kate middleton"

"aww thats so sweet, you really think i look that hot?" she said blushing.

"oh no, just saying how you were out done by your sisters ass".

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More jokes about: #Funny #Celebrity
You’ve Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When….

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You introduce your spouse as your “Coffee-mate.”

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

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More jokes about: #Life
Have you ever dated one of those really hot chicks who fulfil your every desire in the bedroom, never winge at anything you do and are happy for you to hand pick her mates to join in once in a while while she gets u a beer?

Have you ever dated one of those really hot chicks who fulfil your every desire in the bedroom, never winge at anything you do and are happy for you to hand pick her mates to join in once in a while while she gets u a beer? No nore me!

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More jokes about: #Funny
What do you call it when someone farts in a Gay Bar?

What do you call it when someone farts in a Gay Bar?

Mating call

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t... read more

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Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

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More jokes about: #Damage
Man and wife visit the super bull farm.

Man and wife visit the super bull farm.

They are shown round the prize bulls. The manager shows them a great strapping beast.. this one is our gold medal bull he mates without fail every three days. The wife is impressed and nudges hubby.. nodding approvingly. They move on and next the manager shows them the double gold medal bull. H... read more

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More jokes about: #Sideways
A trucker is driving his rig at night.

A trucker is driving his rig at night.

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?""That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm""Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?""I wouldn't say so Tom, see... read more

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More jokes about: #At #Night #Rig
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"

The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

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A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison.

A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison.

So naturally he's scared. In particular, he's scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.

Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get revenge. Joe will get Reedemps to chase him, and Shaw will be waiting with a toothbrush he's shaved into a plastic knife.

The next day at lunch Joe dumps his prison lunch chili on Reedemps' head and runs into a closet. Reedemps opens the closet, where Joe kills the lights and yells:

Shaw! Shank Reedemps' shin!

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More jokes about: #Prisoner #Sentenced
My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach.

My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach.

Now he's got a beer belly.

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More jokes about: #Mate #Tattoo #Belly