Best 506 Memory Jokes and Puns

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

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An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000.

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.

Dr. Young: Aaagh! This is Gasoline!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Doctor Young: Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!

Dr. Geezer: Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back.

Dr. Young: But this is only $500...

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

Moral of story: Just because you're Young doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer

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Dear Tech Support,

Dear Tech Support,Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.What can I do?Signed, DesperateDear Desperate,First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.Good Luck, Tech Support

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When I was born I was given 2 choices, a big dick or good memory...

When I was born I was given 2 choices, a big dick or good memory...

Unfortunately, I can't remember which one I picked.

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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Doctor #Life #Sarcastic
World’s Best One Liners

1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs

2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.

3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.

4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.

5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.

7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.

9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

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At birth i had two important decisions to make... either i could have extremely great memory, or a really huge penis.

At birth i had two important decisions to make... either i could have extremely great memory, or a really huge penis. Unfortunately, I forgot which one i chose.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Pick #Up #Line
Yo mama is so old that her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama is so old that her memory is in black and white.

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Patient: Doctor, please help me, i have a really weak memory

Patient: Doctor, please help me, i have a really weak memory

Doctor: okay... so, since when are you suffering from this problem?

Patient: which problem?

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• Women have more imagination than men.

• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.

• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.

• A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t want.

• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

• It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

• Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.

• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn’t.

• There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.

• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Two oldies got engaged, and as they were strolling down the street excitedly planning there wedding they passed a drugstore.

Two oldies got engaged, and as they were strolling down the street excitedly planning there wedding they passed a drugstore. “Excuse me” the man said to the clerk, “Do you sell medicine for memory problems?” “Sure” replied the clerk “all kinds.” “How about for arthritis?” “Yup” replied the clerk. “Wheelchairs, walkers, adult diapers?” “Yeah”, replied the clerk, all kinds. “OK excellent” said the man “because we are getting married next month, and we want to use you as our Bridal Registry.” -Azi Deutch

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Yo momma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.

Yo momma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.

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Some nsfw funnies I remembered.

Some nsfw funnies I remembered.

ay?"

One day the kid $10,000 in the lottery and dad starts eyeing the money.

D: Can I get some of the $10,000

S: Does your dick touch your asshole?

Dad thinking he'd outsmart the kid.

D: Yes it very much does

S: Then go fuck yourself.

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2)

We all know mango trees take long time to bear fruit, it can take almost 30 years for it to bear fruit. One day a kid sees an old man planting a mango tree and starts.

K: Old Man why do you plant this mango tree?

OM: So that it may bear fruits.

K: Don't you know it will take a long time?

OM: Yes it will take long

K: Then why do you plant it still?

OM: Son go eat a fat dick, this is my land and I'll plant the fuck I want.

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3)

An old couple reminiscing of their younger days decide they'd visit all the places they did it. They go to the beach, the park, the zoo and many others and finally they reach the house of their old neighbors. The house has been sold to a young man and the old man tells him what they are doing and he is more than happy to let them into his backyard. The old couple reminisces while the young man hides and listens in on them.

OM: I can just remember it like it was yesterday, it's great we decided to visit all the places. It was 30 years ago wasn't it?

OW: Honey, all these memories have tingled me, why not we do it here now.

OM: I am up for it.

And they proceed to start making love and the OW grabs the fence and the OM starts jerking like the devil has possessed him. They go about it for 15 mins and finally fall down to the ground. The young man comes out

YM: Wow, you guys have definitely not lost to age. What's your secret? Even I can't perform so well, I can't imagine what you did 30 years ago.

OM: 30 years ago the fence wasn't electrified.

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4)

One day some soldiers were being discharged. These guys had been through hell in a Afghanistan, so the big bosses decided to reward them more than just a pension. So they said "Guys measure anywhere on your body and for every inch you'll get $100, this is the least we can do".

S1: I'd like to be measured from the top of my head to my foot please. (Measured 80 inches got $8000)

S2: I'd like it from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes.(Measure 100 inches got $10,000)

S3: I'd like to be measured from the tip of my penis to my balls please.

Big Brass: Are you sure? Pick something else

S3: Nope, please measure.

So they begin to measure, 4,5,6 inches....

Big Brass: S3 where are your balls?

S3: Back in Afghanistan sir!

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More jokes about: #Tingle #Mango #Min #Reminisce #Outsmart
Under protest, a man visits the doctor's office. The doctor tells him "I have good news and bad news."

Under protest, a man visits the doctor's office. The doctor tells him "I have good news and bad news.".

ortly after you will most likely perish."

"Then what's the good news?"

"Although you have the worst case of Todd ever witnessed, we have decided to memorialize your existence by naming the disease after you."

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One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window.

As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.

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More jokes about: #Oven #Earliest
How do narcissists remember everything?.

How do narcissists remember everything?.

...They have a photogenic memory.

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Yo momma so fat.

Yo momma so fat.

You took a picture of her on an empty sd card and it said memory full

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When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.

When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.

Yeah, right. Next time, they're probably gonna say that caffeine causes memory loss.

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Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?".

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

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More jokes about: #Memory #Loss #Short