Best 592 Military Jokes and Puns

1.

1. Change last name to Crunch.

2. Join the military.

3. Work my way up to Captain.

4. Become Captain Crunch.

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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.

When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.

The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.

“This fighting between our services?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

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A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.

On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

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Anyone wanting to take pictures on our base’s airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me.

Anyone wanting to take pictures on our base’s airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. One day, while out snapping photos, I was stopped by the military police, who asked for my letter from public affairs. “But I am public affairs,” I said. “Without a letter from public affairs, we’ll have to take your camera.” I did the only thing I could do: I pulled a notepad and pen from my bag and wrote a letter giving myself permission to take photos. The MPs read the letter, saluted, and left.

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I am glad they have let women in the military.

I am glad they have let women in the military.

It used to be a real pain in the ass.

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy. The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ... read more

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Approaching a GI who had just arrived in South Vietnam, I asked him how long he expected to be here.

Approaching a GI who had just arrived in South Vietnam, I asked him how long he expected to be here. Well, he replied, the sergeant told us we'd be here for 12 months and two Bob Hope specials or one Purple Heart, whichever comes first.

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The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

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The captain and the prostitute.

The captain and the prostitute.

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :

"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"

And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"

The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :

"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

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I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

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So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.

Anyway, the first man goes and says, "I'll have my outstretched wingspan measured."

His wingspan is 160cm, so he is given $160.

The second man chooses the top of his head and his feet.

His height is 175cm, so he is given $175.

The third man steps up and says, "I'll have the distance from my right palm to my right index finger."

The military people first are confused, but then the man taking the measurements looks at his hand.

"Where's your right index finger, soldier?"

The veteran smiles and says, "Back where I lost it, in Vietnam."

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I heard that there was a French military leader who used to extract bone marrow.

I heard that there was a French military leader who used to extract bone marrow.

His name was Napoleon Bone apart

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In The Military a janitor wanted to go out to the battlefield...

In The Military a janitor wanted to go out to the battlefield...

When the soldiers were getting ready for a battle the janitor told the general that he wanted to fight. The general gave him a broom and said "point this at the enemies and say 'bangity bang bang' and when they get close say 'stabbity stab stab'" "ok" the janitor replied. Once the janitor got out on the battlefield he aimed his broom and said "bangity bang bang" to his surprise the enemy dropped dead. Amazed, the janitor bagan repeating the words "bangity bang bang! Stabbity stab stab!" he repeated this until there was only one person left on the field. no matter how many times he said "bangity bang bang" and "stabbity stab stab" nothing worked. The last man pushed the janitor to the ground and said "tankity tank tank"

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The Perfect Question.

The Perfect Question.

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the

equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on

Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the

lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war?

And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked,

"General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5

billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In

modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters,

but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the

Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews

fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the

auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"

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At the Pentagon three ex-military men.......

At the Pentagon three ex-military men.......

toes” the Measurement came to 72 inches so he got 72,000 dollars. The last soldier said” Measure from my balls to the tip of my penis.” The person doing the measurement asked “You know how this works right?” The soldier says “Yes” and takes his pants off. The man doing the measurements begins and says “ where’s you’re penis, sir?” The soldier responds with “Back in Iraq.”

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My daughter and her husband, naval reservists, have an eight-year-old son.

My daughter and her husband, naval reservists, have an eight-year-old son. When one of his parochial school classmates told my daughter that Angus had said a bad word, she said, He can't help it. Both his parents are sailors.

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As the soldier drove up to the Air Force base gate, my husband, who was on security detail at the time, had an inkling that the driver might have had a few.

As the soldier drove up to the Air Force base gate, my husband, who was on security detail at the time, had an inkling that the driver might have had a few. What gave him away? The guy thought he was at a tollbooth and handed my husband a dollar bill.

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How can you tell if someone was in the military?.

How can you tell if someone was in the military?.

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

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The fowled experiment.

the fowled experiment.

scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

british engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. arrangements were made. but when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

horrified the britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words, "thaw the chicken".

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When the Air Force deployed me overseas, my daughters friend asked her where I was headed.

When the Air Force deployed me overseas, my daughters friend asked her where I was headed. Guantánamo Bay, my daughter said. Oh, my God! her friend shrieked. What did he do?

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