Best 6717 Need Jokes and Puns

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

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An Irishman, an Indian man, a British man, and a Scottish man are riding in a plane.

An Irishman, an Indian man, a British man, and a Scottish man are riding in a plane. The pilot shouts back, "We need to lose some weight or we'll crash!" So the Irishman throws out some beer and saying, "We got enough of that in our country." The Indian throws out some curry and says, "We got enough off that in our country." The Scottish man throws some bagpipes off and says, "We got enough of that in our country." Then the British man picks up the Indian and chucks him off the plane saying, "We got enough off them that in our country."

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Yo mamma is so fat she doesn't need the internet, because she's already world wide.

Yo mamma is so fat she doesn't need the internet, because she's already world wide.

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Yo momma's so fat she needs cheat codes for Wii Fit.

Yo momma's so fat she needs cheat codes for Wii Fit.

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Boy: *calls 911* Hello?

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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I hate it when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep."

I hate it when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep." Bitch you need to hibernate.

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Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican.

Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican. The pilot says: "there's to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane." The black guy throws his Jordan's and says: "we have to many of these in our country" The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: "we have to many of these in our country" the white guys throws the Mexican and says: "we have to many of these in our country"

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Little Girl: Mom what's this *she pulled down her pants*

Little Girl: Mom what's this *she pulled down her pants*

Mom: That's your garage, don't let boys put their car into your garage

She nods and hops off

Next door

Little Boy: Dad whats this? *he pulls down his pants*

Dad: That's your car, you need to put that into a girls garage

He nods and hops off

Little girl walks in with her hands covered with blood

Mom: WHAT HAPPENED!?

Little Girl: The little boy from next door tried to put his car into my garage so I pulled its wheels off

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A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!"

A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

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Yo mamma so stupid her password needed 8 characters, so she typed "Snow White and the 7 dwarfs."

Yo mamma so stupid her password needed 8 characters, so she typed "Snow White and the 7 dwarfs."

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A Jewish boy asks his father for $50.

A Jewish boy asks his father for $50. The father replies, "$40, what do you need $30 for?"

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Parents: "You need to stop watching TV, and read more!"

Parents: "You need to stop watching TV, and read more!"

Me: *turns on subtitles*

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I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

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Boy : Marry me.. ?

Boy : Marry me.. ?

Girl: Do you have a house..?

Boy : No..

Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?

Boy : No..

Girl: How much is your salary.. ?

Boy : No salary.. but,..

Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i

marry you.??

Leave please.!

Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3

property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I

still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the

salary when actually I am the BOSS

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A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

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Teacher: How much is a gram?

Teacher: How much is a gram?Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

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