Best 393 Neighbours Jokes and Puns

Anant bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

Anant bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at his redneck neighbours: …

DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?

SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay I went to the movies! DAD : Which one?

SON : Harry Potter (robot slaps Son again!) Okay I was watching porno.

DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno! (robot slaps dad)

MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)

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A dicks life is sad

A dicks life is sad

His hair is a mess

His neighbour is an asshole

His best friend is a pussy

His family are nuts

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Sorry i cant today

sorry i cant today

my sister's friend's boyfriend's uncle's aunts's grandpa's half cousin's wife's neighbour's grandmas's uncle's grandchild's husband daughter's hamster died

IT WAS TRAGIC

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Redneck goes into a doctors Anant and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.

Redneck goes into a doctors Anant and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor anant asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.

"That's not so much", says dr anant.

"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my neighbour pakistani lady, TWICE a day," says the redneck

"Well, that's definitely to much", says the dr Anant. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the redneck. "Twice a day !!!

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More jokes about: #Funny #Redneck
My neighbour got hit with a can of soda.

My neighbour got hit with a can of soda. The doctors said he was lucky it was a soft drink.

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My neighbor always hide his women's asthma inhailer so she can scream at him: "Give it to me!!!!!

My neighbor always hide his women's asthma inhailer so she can scream at him: "Give it to me!!!!! Give it to me!!!!" so the neighbours could think he is a stud. ;-)

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
A man goes out for a few beers.

A man goes out for a few beers.

o'd just begun a shift. They exchange stories, as the man himself once tended bar in his younger days, and he continues to drink. 3AM rolls around before he knows it and his new friend The Bartender tells him it's time to pack it in.

"Alright Buddy, it's been fun, but I gotta close up."

The man smiles, clumsily grabs his wallet from his back pocket and throws a twenty down on the table. He thanks The Bartender for the good conversation and swings around on the stool before falling flat on his face. He looks to the door and thinks to himself that if he can just get outside and get some fresh air, he'll be alright. So he crawls across the room, unnoticed by The Bartender as he counts out his till, and shimmies up the doorway. With a quick turn of the knob, the door lurches forward and the man finds himself making quick friends with the sidewalk.

"Fuck!" He shouts as he lifts himself by his elbows. It's quite dark out and the only real good source of light is coming from a streetlight across and down the road a ways. He begins his exciting crawl. Once he reaches the streetlight he pulls himself up again, readying himself for the walk home, before falling forward once more.

"That's it!" He figures he's had far too many drinks this evening, and makes the genius decision to crawl home.

Luckily the man doesn't live too far away and it's not long before he sees his house just down the street. He continues his crawl, up the street, past the ratty shack his neighbours call home, and across his lawn. He pulls himself up the stairs to his front porch, grabs the doorknob and pulls himself upright, pushing the door forward and, again, falling flat on his face.

The man figures he's had just about enough of this tonight, nudges the door shut behind him, and lets his head rest on one of his slippers in the entrance way before slipping off into dreamland.

The smell of fresh coffee and the sound of birds chirping and dishes clanging seem to wake the man up all at once. He aches all over and can't quite recall why he's slept on the floor in the entranceway of his house. His wife rounds the corner from the kitchen with a mug of steaming hot coffee in her hands.

"Good Morning," she begins, with a crooked smile on her face. "A nice man named Frank called, he works at the bar you were at last night."

Silence. The man readies himself for a good, stern talking to.

She places the coffee down beside her husband and gives him a gentle pat on the back. "You forgot your wheelchair there last night."

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Our neighbour's cat shit in our garden,.

Our neighbour's cat shit in our garden,.

So my wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.I don't see what that solved, now we've got cat shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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My neighbour came banging on my door at 3am last night.

My neighbour came banging on my door at 3am last night.

I couldn't believe such outrageous behaviour.

Luckily, I was up practicing on my drum kit at the time so I wasn't too startled by him.

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More jokes about: #Banging #Startled #Behaviour
Neighbours.

Neighbours.

around 90 liters. Coooooool. I'm off to buy some paint then.

Two weeks later he revisits his neighbour for another session of hash. He asks his neighbour: hey, remember you told me you bought 90 liters of paint? Well, I bought 90 liters then painted the house and was left with a shit load of paint. I painted the house three times and still had 70 liters left over. The neighbour, all spaced out replies: no shit dude. That's the exact same amount I was left with.

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The story of Mr. Green.

The story of Mr. Green.

Mr. Green, a green human, woke up from his bed and took a shower.

While showering his doorbell rang. Still showering, Mr. Green just simply take a towel and wrap his bottom half.

When Mr. Green got to the door, he opened it and behind was Miss. Red, a red human, Mr. Green's neighbour.

Miss. Red just needed to ask Mr. Green if he still had any flour left for a cake. While asking for the flour, Mr. Green's tower dropped on the floor. Frightened, Mrs. Red started running across the street to run away from Mr. Red but got knocked down by a Yellow car.

After that Mrs. Barker asked her students : "Kids, what's the moral of this story".

No one knew the answer and some kids were just giggling at the back of the class.

Mrs. Barker said :" Well. The moral of the story is,

To not cross the road when the green man is flashing "

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Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour.

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour.

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u

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I'm not saying I leave my wife sexually satisfied...

I'm not saying I leave my wife sexually satisfied...

But my neighbour just asked me to turn down the bass.

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Religion joke.

Religion joke.

iful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"O God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.

And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

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My neighbour accused me of stealing her panties...

My neighbour accused me of stealing her panties...

I nearly shit her pants.

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Fever pitch.

Fever pitch.

‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

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Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

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A woman rings at neighbours door, a man opens the door.

A woman rings at neighbours door, a man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ... read more

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Two blondes want to forge banknotes.

two blondes want to forge banknotes.

Two blondes want to forge banknotes. They can't decide whether to forge $50 or $100 banknotes - they argue a little and then they settle to a compromise: to forge $60 banknotes. They want to first test it on their blonde neighbour: so one of them goes to the neighbour - after a while she returns, smiling: "Everything went well: I have two $30 banknotes."

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