Best 121 Prescribed Jokes and Puns

A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..

A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin"

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A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up on his Deep Vein Thrombosis.

A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up on his Deep Vein Thrombosis.

Doctor: "So I prescribed you blood thinners last month, have you been taking them?"

Man: "No. I have a great reason why not though"

Doctor: "Aaah! The clot thickens!"

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I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill.

My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill.

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

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Why did Dr. Pepper prescribe himself Prozac after being recycled?.

Why did Dr. Pepper prescribe himself Prozac after being recycled?.

Because he was soda pressed

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Problem Child.

Problem Child.

Psychiatrist to the mother of a problem child:

"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I'm going to prescribe some tranquilizers for you. I suggest you take them regularly."

On the next visit: "So, have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes, they have."

"And how is your son now?"

"Who cares?!?"

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My therapist prescribed me some HGH.

My therapist prescribed me some HGH.

They thought it might help me grow up a little bit.

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My fear of palindromes is really affecting my life.

My fear of palindromes is really affecting my life.

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything. That bastard gave me Xanax...

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A comely woman goes to the doctor asking for help in reducing cat calls...

A comely woman goes to the doctor asking for help in reducing cat calls...

He prescribed her beta blockers.

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The vet prescribed daily tablets for our geriatric cat, Tigger, and after several battles my husband devised a way to give her the medication.

The vet prescribed daily tablets for our geriatric cat, Tigger, and after several battles my husband devised a way to give her the medication. It involved wrapping Tigger in a towel, trapping her between his knees, forcing her mouth open and depositing the pill on the back of her tongue. David was proud of his resourcefulness until one hectic session when he lost control of both cat and medicine. Tigger leaped out of his grasp, paused to inspect the tabletwhich had rolled across the floorand then ate it.

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What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work?.

What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work?.

Antifistamines.

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My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.

My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.

They're not the best medicine in the world, but they're right up there.

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A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have farted twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."

A week later, the woman returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills *do*? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"

"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."

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Suppositories.

Suppositories.

up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you it took him forever to get it up there, and it hurt!' 'Poor baby,' says the wife. 'You were probably nervous and tense and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository, I don't mind.' Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his shoulder to brace him and with the right hand, quickly and easily slips the suppository up her husbands rear end. The husband lets out a bloodcurdling scream. 'My god' says the wife. 'What happened? Did I hurt you?' 'No!' Cries the man,'but I just remembered that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH his hand on my shoulders.

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I told my doctor I was getting really stressed out about my chronic constipation.

I told my doctor I was getting really stressed out about my chronic constipation.

He prescribed me a relaxative.

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What did Michael Scott say when the doctor prescribed him ibuprofen?.

What did Michael Scott say when the doctor prescribed him ibuprofen?.

That's what she NSAID!

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A man went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.

A man went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.

up my arse."

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My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication.

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication.

it was a tough pill to swallow

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My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress.

My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress.

It works, when I have taken them I can hardly hear her crying at all.

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