Best 640 Pressed Jokes and Puns

Press kickass if your name is not JEFF

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this

Yo momma's so fat, when she uses the keyboard she presses every key at once!

Press kickass if your saying jokes from this website to people at your school

Press kickass if agree that porn is overthrowing Miley Cyrus

Yo Mama is so fat, when she pressed the UP button on the elevator it went DOWN.

Press kickass if you just love kickassing

Press kickass if u like Chuck Norris

Today I got beaten by a woman. I was in the elevator when that busty thing got in. I was staring at her tits, when she said, would you please press 1? I did. I don't know why I got beaten afterwards.

Press kickass if you want to live. Press lame if you want to die.

Q. A man walks into an elevator  presses floor number 1 and goes to work. He comes home from work gets into the elevator and presses number 7. He then walks out of the elevator, and walks up to the 15th floor.Why’d he walk?

A. He’s a midget.

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Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic."

Step 2: Plug it into your computer.

Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel.

Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Press kickass if your going to stay in your room and go on your phone and sleep till 3pm this summer

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

I bet you won't know this, I'm not expecting you to know, I am expecting you to read this.

Humans kill 3 sharks a second just for shark fin soup! That is if they keep it up for a whole lifetime starting as you read this (that is impossible because they would all be extinct) but if we did and you had a life of 80 years then 20,736,000 sharks would have been killed by humans just for a bowl of shark fin soup.

Shark fin soup is horrible and the shark fins only add a bit of texture. People only eat it on special occasions like weddings to make a statement.

People hook them through the skin pull them out of the water alive where they can't breathe and slice all their fins off while they are still alive! Then they just drop the rest back in the ocean the shark still alive and dropped into the water alive to drown (sharks can't breathe unless they move at a fast enough speed through the water). This is just RIDICULOUS.

Over the last 5 years only an average of 3 people were killed each year by sharks with a maximum of 4 in the highest year. In contrast we are killing close to 100 million sharks per year and most of them are simply killed for their fins to make shark fin soup, a status symbol in China. Next time you go into a Chinese restaurant and you see shark fin soup on the menu remember an animal that has almost the same life span as you died for that soup and his fins were severed from his body and the body dumped over the side. Virtually all the shark attacks happened because the shark thought the victim was either a seal (in the case of a surfer think how a surfer looks from below) or there was poor visibility in shallow water. Virtually all attacks are a single bite and the shark didnt come back for more because it didnt taste like he expected. The deaths are usually due to blood loss.

Sharks have far more to fear from us than we do from them, and if you listen to years of extensive research made by many dedicated scientists, you will press kick ass.

Thank you.

Press kickass if you hate Donald Trump.

i just wanna see how many people hate that racist b*tch

HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT 2016!!

I love pressing F5. It is so refreshing.

A guy walks into a bathroom, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear. “Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good.” So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room. “Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?” The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.” “What does ATR mean exactly?” says the guy. “Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

The Pakistani Air Force recently purchased a fleet of American fighter jets. They invited over a Anant - a American expert and at a gathering, the Anant says to the Pakis, 'These planes are so simple, even you fools can use them'.

The chief of the air force asks how it's all done. The Anant says, 'OK. So easy! Press this button to go right. This button to go left, and this button to go up!'

The Paki Air Force Chief then asks, 'So, how do you come down?'

The Anant replies, 'Oh, leave that to the Indian Air Force!'