Best 306 Previous Jokes and Puns

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie!

I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!”

“Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.

“Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down. He replied.

What was your previous job? I asked incredulously.

“I ran a morg.” Was the reply.

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More jokes about: #Funeral #Funny #Stories #Life #Work
Horror riddle:

Horror riddle:

I live in Osaka, Japan and often use the subway to go to work in the morning. One day, when I was waiting for the train, I noticed a homeless man standing in a corner of the subway station, muttering to himself as people passed by. He was holding out a cup and seemed to be begging for spare change.

A fat woman passed by the homeless man and I distinctly heard him say, “Pig.”

Wow, I thought to myself. This homeless man is insulting people and he still expects them to give him money? Then a tall businessman went by and the homeless guy muttered, “Human.” Human? I can’t argue with that. Obviously, he was human. The next day, I arrived early at the subway station and had some time to kill, so I decided to stand close to the homeless man and listen to his strange mutterings. A thin, haggard-looking man passed in front of him and I heard the homeless guy mutter, “Cow.” Cow? I thought. The man was much too skinny to be a cow. He looked more like a turkey or a chicken to me. A minute or so later, a fat man went by and the homeless man said, “Potato.” Potato? I was under the impression that he called all fat people “Pig”. That day, at work, I couldn’t stop thinking about the homeless man and his puzzling behavior. I kept trying to find some logic or pattern in what he was muttering. Perhaps he has some kind of psychic ability, I thought. Maybe he knows what these people were in a previous life. In Japan, many people believe in reincarnation. I observed the homeless man many times and began to think my theory was right. I often heard him calling people things like “Rabbit” or “Onion” or “Sheep” or “Tomato”. One day, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to ask him what was going on. As I walked up to him, he looked at me and said “Bread.” I tossed some money into his cup and asked him if he had some kind of psychic ability. The homeless man smiled and said, “Yes, indeed. I do have a psychic ability. It is an ability I obtained years ago. But it is not what you might expect. I can’t tell the future or read minds or anything like that.” “Then what is your ability,” I asked eagerly. “The ability is merely to know the last thing somebody ate,” he said. I laughed because I realized he was right. He said “Bread.” The last thing I had eaten for breakfast that day was toast. I walked away shaking my head. Of all the psychic abilities someone could have, that one must be the most useless. What is the hidden horror?

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So while a wife was contributing to the preparation of dinner inside she was feeling a bit self conscious about her but getting larger.

So while a wife was contributing to the preparation of dinner inside she was feeling a bit self conscious about her but getting larger. In an attempt to get some support she goes out to her husband who was cooking on the bbq and says, "honey do you think my ass is big?". He looks up and then back at his grilling and just chuckles and says, " big! Its almost as big as this bbq." Totally hurt she goes back inside. After dinner and kids are in bed, the husband is feeling frisky and tries to rub up on momma. She of course gives him the cold shoulder due to his previous remarks. He scratches his head and attempts to rub up on her some more and she again gives him more cold shoulder. Finally he says, "What gives?". She rolls over and says to him, "What makes you think I am going to fire up this big ol' bbq for just one little weenie?"

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.

On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

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I've got a prosthetic leg.

I've got a prosthetic leg.

I just hope it's previous owner got home okay.

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THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF.

THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF.

club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length and girth of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. This is usually indicated by a red flag in the hole. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.

More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

**WARNING** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

Players who have contracted to play a private course are cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player has played other courses may lead to the contract being cancelled and a lawsuit for damages filed. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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More jokes about: #Think #Twice #Alignment
A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W... read more

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A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books.

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books.

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:"Book, Book, Book".Th... read more

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I tried reading Einstein's original paper on special relativity.

I tried reading Einstein's original paper on special relativity.

Night after night for 6 months I tried to understand it. I tried everything. I looked through previous publications to understand the knowledge at the time. I tried to work through some problems and I thought about the theories in novel ways to try to get an intuitive grasp or even any at all. It pr... read more

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The Defence.

The Defence.

urprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't"

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Great Golf Game.

Great Golf Game.

st

been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the

hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting

A personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and

beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the

country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as

well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the

clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will

have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be

spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead.

What'd you shoot?"

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A man goes to a doctor.

A man goes to a doctor.

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.""I've never seen or heard anything like t... read more

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A married man farts all the time...

A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.A few days later, after the previous nig... read more

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The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you're no longer at your previous one.

The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you're no longer at your previous one. Here are rationalizations from cover letters that did no one any good: My boss thought I could do better elsewhere. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job hopping.' I have never quit a job. Responsibilities make me nervous.

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TIL that if reddit is down you can still see all of the top posts of the previous week.

TIL that if reddit is down you can still see all of the top posts of the previous week.

You just have to visit Buzzfeed or ebaumsworld

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Quiz Show.

Quiz Show.

to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing three-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS You've won!!"

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There once was a police dog...

There once was a police dog...

"Karma" seeing as it was bringing criminals what they deserved.

Now, some neighborhood drug dealers weren't particularly happy about this. Even the biggest drug lords had caught wind of this. Karma had busted them more times in the last three months than they had been caught in the previous year. After all, Karma had exceptional talents with this business. Thus, Sneaky Steve and Dealer Dave, two of the most notorious drug lords in the area, devised a clever plan to stop Karma from busting them so much. During a raid, Dave shot Karma three times in the leg. The dog was going to be out of commission forever. Dave thought he was successful, but out of his window, he heard the policemen saying:

"Look, if we can't use Karma, then maybe at least Karma's pups could be of use. Maybe they have the same talents."

"Sir, Karma has no pups."

"Well... we'll have to change that."

Dave and Steve realized that there was only one way to stop this - steal the dog and then remove its... certain organs. Late one night, Steve and Dave went down to the police department, evaded several officers, and took Karma out of the kennel. Steve, being the sneaky one he was, managed to get Karma to not bark the whole time, and Dave had brought a long switchblade to accomplish their mission.

Outside the station, in an alleyway, Steve held the dog down.

"Dave, what's taking you so long? Just cut 'is nuts off and we can get out of here!"

"Steve... I'm having a few unforeseen difficulties with this."

"Dave, this isn't that complicated. Just slice it off!"

"It's impossible, okay!"

"Why? Why can't you just do the job?"

"Well... Karma's a bitch."

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More jokes about: #Switchblade #Police #Dog #Pups
All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

It just so happened that one day when Timmy was driving the train near a very sharp turn that required him to decrease the trains speed, a butterfly flew across the window.

Distracted, Timmy forgot to decrease the trains speed and ended up running it off the tracks, killing everybody inside expect for himself.

In the strange country that Timmy lives in, the punishment for killing a lot of people with a train is death by electric chair.

So the day comes when the executioner approaches Timmy in jail and asks what he wants for his last meal.

Timmy thinks for a minute, and then responds to the executioner by asking for a single banana.

The executioner thinks this is a stupid request, but grants Timmy’s wish anyways. He gives him a single banana, which Timmy eats in 3 bites.

The executioner straps Timmy into the electric chair and pulls down the lever to start the flow of electricity.

When the smoke clears, the executioner in shocked to see Timmy still alive, sitting in the electric chair!

Another strange law in the county Timmy lives in is if you survive the execution by electric chair, you get to walk away as a free man.

Timmy was distraught about loosing his job as a train conductor. It just so happened that the same prestigious train company was desperate for a qualified conductor to operate their new Mega Train.

They hired Timmy back to his old job.

Timmy was driving the train in the exact spot where his previous accident occurred, when another butterfly flew across his window...

So Timmy’s back in the jail cell when the executioner asks for his last meal (again).

Timmy thinks for a minute, and asks for two bananas this time.

A bit suspicious, the executioner brings him his bananas which Timmy eats in 3 bites each.

Timmy was strapped into the chair, and the lever was pulled, but when the smoke settled, he still wasn’t dead!

Again, Timmy walks free.

Again, the train company hires him back to drive their new Ultra Train.

Again, Timmy is conducting the train in the spot where the previous accidents had occurred.

Again, a butterfly flew across the window...

So Timmy’s about to be executed for the third time when the executioner approaches him. He states that Timmy won’t be given a last meal this time, so there would be no way he could eat his bananas.

Timmy is strapped into the electric chair and the executioner pulls the lever.

The look on the executioners face after he realized Timmy still hadn’t died was priceless.

“How are you still alive?” Demanded the executioner, “I didn’t give you any bananas this time!”

Timmy replies, “It’s not the bananas. I’m just a bad conductor.”

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A father has 3 daughters and they each got boyfriends without the father knowing,.

A father has 3 daughters and they each got boyfriends without the father knowing,.

her thinks alright, alright, this guys good and lets them go. The second guy shows up half an hour later, again he’s greeted by the dad and says “Hey I’m Kenny, I’m here to pick up Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti.” The father thinks alright, this guys not bad, and lets them go on their date too. The third guy shows an HOUR after the previous guy, again greeted by the dad and says, “What’s up, my name’s Chuck..” and the dad slams the door in his face.

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Referenced my previous girlfriend in an academic paper.

Referenced my previous girlfriend in an academic paper.

It was very ex-citing

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