Best 746 Proceeds Jokes and Puns

Knock, Knock.

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

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If I was a judge, Instead of shouting "ORDER IN THE COURT!"

If I was a judge, Instead of shouting "ORDER IN THE COURT!" I would say "STOP... HAMMER TIME!" Then proceed to gavel out the freshest beat in the history of the judicial system.

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More jokes about: #Funny
One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner.

One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner. In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me." Next is the rabbit's turn, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet," he says. The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself. The bear then says, "I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me." The rabbit next says, "I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas." The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, "You could have wished for money to get those two things!" He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, "I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!" He smiles smugly. The rabit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, "I wish for this bear to be gay."

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More jokes about: #Funny #Animal
So, theres this guy at his apartment and he smoking weed for his therapy session.

So, theres this guy at his apartment and he smoking weed for his therapy session. Well his neighbors dispice him and call the cops after smelling a batch cause he refuses to share. As the police appear and smell this outside his door, they bang on the door.BANG!BANG! "Open up, it's the police." Calmly he goes to the door, douses his light and puts his magic bag of weed into his back pocket. Opening the door, the officer demands to search the place, as he goes, he find his magic bag of weed and says. "AH HA! Caught you red handed", the officer snickers. His neighbors boil with laughter inside thinking he will go to jail until the man speak. "Ahem, I have a reason for this." With the officer rolling his eyes to hear the story he lets him proceed. "You see officer this is is a magic bag of weed, I can't keep it off me because everytime I flush it down the toilet, it jumps right back out again and into my back pocket.", Frowning the officer is laughing with a argument back and forth on finding this whole story rediculous. "Fine I'll proove it to you!" The man shouts. The officer gives him the bag confidently and watches him empty it into the toilet were he flushes it down the toilet. When nothing appears the officer goes. "Well?" Smirking the man goes "Well what?" With the neighbors mouths gaped opened the officer becomes annoyed. "Where the hells the drugs at?" The man smirks again. "What drugs?"

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More jokes about: #Funny
A man walks into a bar and see's a big line up in front of a horse.

A man walks into a bar and see's a big line up in front of a horse. Beside the horse is a big barrel of money.

The man walks to the back of the line and asks the last person.. 'whats with the horse and the line?'

Person: 'well, if you can make the horse laugh you win the money'

So the man stands in line and sure enough no one can make the horse laugh. When it finally reaches his turn he miraculously makes the horse laugh thus winning the barrel of money.

The same man walks into the same bar a week later and notices that there is another large line up in front of the same horse and another barrel of money next to it.

The man goes to the last person in line and asks 'so you have to make the horse laugh again?'

Person: 'Nope.. now you have to make him cry'

So the man stands in line and sure enough no one can make the horse cry. Finally when the man's turn comes up he manages to make the horse cry and wins another barrel of money.

The man then proceeds to order a round of drinks to celebrate his achievement. The bartender then asks 'so.. how did you do it?'

Man: 'do what?'

Bartender: 'how did you make the horse laugh and cry like that?'

Man: 'well.. to make the horse laugh... i told him my cock was bigger than his.. to make him cry.. i showed him it'.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Four nuns die and arrive at the Gates of Heaven.

Four nuns die and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.

The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”

St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”

The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”

St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.

“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose nametag reads "Patricia Whack."

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose nametag reads "Patricia Whack."

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation," says the frog.

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure, how about this?" asks Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell him, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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More jokes about: #Funny
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. "

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load. "

He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. "

The trucker looks at her and finally he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck. "

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More jokes about: #Funny #Blonde
A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling si... read more

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More jokes about: #Fisherman #Crabs
A Dublin man enters his local pub on a Friday night, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

A Dublin man enters his local pub on a Friday night, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He proceeds to take alternating sips from each glass until all 3 are empty, thanks the bartender, pays his tab, and leaves. This practice continues week after week until one evening when the bartender, curious about the man’s weekly ritual, says, “Sir, you’re one of my regulars here. If you... read more

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More jokes about: #Ritual #Sentiment #Friday #Dublin #Tab
Some nsfw funnies I remembered.

Some nsfw funnies I remembered.

ay?"

One day the kid $10,000 in the lottery and dad starts eyeing the money.

D: Can I get some of the $10,000

S: Does your dick touch your asshole?

Dad thinking he'd outsmart the kid.

D: Yes it very much does

S: Then go fuck yourself.

__________________________________________________

2)

We all know mango trees take long time to bear fruit, it can take almost 30 years for it to bear fruit. One day a kid sees an old man planting a mango tree and starts.

K: Old Man why do you plant this mango tree?

OM: So that it may bear fruits.

K: Don't you know it will take a long time?

OM: Yes it will take long

K: Then why do you plant it still?

OM: Son go eat a fat dick, this is my land and I'll plant the fuck I want.

__________________________________________________

3)

An old couple reminiscing of their younger days decide they'd visit all the places they did it. They go to the beach, the park, the zoo and many others and finally they reach the house of their old neighbors. The house has been sold to a young man and the old man tells him what they are doing and he is more than happy to let them into his backyard. The old couple reminisces while the young man hides and listens in on them.

OM: I can just remember it like it was yesterday, it's great we decided to visit all the places. It was 30 years ago wasn't it?

OW: Honey, all these memories have tingled me, why not we do it here now.

OM: I am up for it.

And they proceed to start making love and the OW grabs the fence and the OM starts jerking like the devil has possessed him. They go about it for 15 mins and finally fall down to the ground. The young man comes out

YM: Wow, you guys have definitely not lost to age. What's your secret? Even I can't perform so well, I can't imagine what you did 30 years ago.

OM: 30 years ago the fence wasn't electrified.

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4)

One day some soldiers were being discharged. These guys had been through hell in a Afghanistan, so the big bosses decided to reward them more than just a pension. So they said "Guys measure anywhere on your body and for every inch you'll get $100, this is the least we can do".

S1: I'd like to be measured from the top of my head to my foot please. (Measured 80 inches got $8000)

S2: I'd like it from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes.(Measure 100 inches got $10,000)

S3: I'd like to be measured from the tip of my penis to my balls please.

Big Brass: Are you sure? Pick something else

S3: Nope, please measure.

So they begin to measure, 4,5,6 inches....

Big Brass: S3 where are your balls?

S3: Back in Afghanistan sir!

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More jokes about: #Tingle #Mango #Min #Reminisce #Outsmart
Three explorers are captured by a local tribe.

Three explorers are captured by a local tribe.

our hunting party.

The first person asks for his gun. After an hour the hunting party sets out and 3 hours later some shots are heard, but by the end of the day, the first man is hauled back into the town, killed and they begin to carefully skin the body.

The second person asks for his canteen. With fresh water, he can keep going longer he reasons. After an hour the hunting party sets out and by the end of the day he is hauled back into camp, killed and skinned.

The third man asks for his fork. The locals are puzzled, but give him his fork. He then proceeds to stab himself with the fork all over his body, yelling, "So much for your canoe!"

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More jokes about: #Fresh #Water #Explorers
An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment.

An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment.

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.*Doctor:* That... read more

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More jokes about: #Appointment #Birth #Control #Routine
The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used).

The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used).

ly you piss in a cup, The Guru sips the pee and will tell you what is wrong with you and what you need to do to fix/help yourself for only $20

Intrigued Bill decides to give this a try, so he goes to 10th and 3rd and visits The Guru. Bill pees in a cup, gives it to The Guru who proceeds to sip it. After a few The Guru informs Bill that he has tennis elbow... Soak the Elbow in hot water with assorted salts/minerals every night for 1 week and to lay off any activities that would further aggravate it, will fix it.

Bill is impressed but not convinced so he ends up going to the doctor, who informs him the very exact thing that The Guru informed him.

Bill is ecstatic over The Guru and rants and raves about The Guru to everyone. Bill comes up with an idea though to try and stump The Guru. After dinner one night, Bill gets his wife to urinate into a cup, along with his daughter and his dog. Bill also masturbates into the cup for good measure.

The following morning, Bill again goes to 10th and 3rd and hands The Guru the cup with the mixtures... The Guru sips from the cup and begins to somewhat spasm. Bill is just about to scream out "HAHA I got you" in joy when The Guru begins...

"Your wife is pregnant with twins, but they aren't yours - get a Lawyer...

Your daughter has HIV and from the return, seems addicted to Crack - Take her to rehab...

Your dog has a severe case of worms - take him to the vet

And how do you expect your tennis elbow to heal, if you are masturbating!!"

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THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF.

THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF.

club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length and girth of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. This is usually indicated by a red flag in the hole. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.

More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

**WARNING** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

Players who have contracted to play a private course are cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player has played other courses may lead to the contract being cancelled and a lawsuit for damages filed. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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More jokes about: #Think #Twice #Alignment
A pregnant woman is standing in line at the bank...

A pregnant woman is standing in line at the bank...

Suddenly, the bank gets robbed. She gets shot 3 times. Quickly she's being rushed to the hospital. There she learns her unborn babies survived. A few months later she bears 3 children, 2 daughters and a son. Each one has a bullet in them. The doctor tells her they'll pee it out eventually.

13 years later one of her daughters runs over screaming to her. "Mommy mommy I went to pee and a bullet came out of me". She then proceeds to explain the whole ordeal. The same happens with her second daughter.

Then her son comes running over with a startled look on his face. "I see what happened, you pee'd and a bullet came out of you.", said the mother. "No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog."

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More jokes about: #Rushed #Survived #Baby #Bears
An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman escape from prison.

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman escape from prison.

pokes the first sack containing the English man who responds with "woof, woof" so the policeman assumes its a dog and proceeds to poke the second sack. The second sack contains the Scotsman who responds to the poke with "meow, meow" so the policeman assumes the sack is filled with cats and moves on to the third sack.

Upon the policeman poking the third sack the Irishman replies "potatoes".

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More jokes about: #Minuet #Escape #From #Sirens
An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo".

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.3. ... read more

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More jokes about: #Incline #Installment #Mate #Ape #Zoo
Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar and one pulls a huge lighter out of his golfbag...

Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar and one pulls a huge lighter out of his golfbag...

and proceeds to light his cigar. The other man laughs and says "Holy crap, that's the biggest lighter I've ever seen! It must be a foot long! Where did you get it?" The first man says "I found a magic lamp while practicing the other day, and the genie gave it to me." The second man is skep... read more

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