Best 349 Proposed Jokes and Puns

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose:

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose:

As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

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A married couple are out one night at a dance club.

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

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Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.

Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.

The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten. The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten. The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, "You think I'm a fool? Try finding that!"

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How guys propose: On one knee.

How guys propose: On one knee.

How girls propose: "I'm pregnant!"

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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend.

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said " I'll give you 100 dollars if you have sex with me." The girl looked at him shocked and said "hell no!" He said it'll be real quick I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over and get it, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up! She thought for a moment and told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, " ask him for $200. Pick up the money really fast, and he won't be able to get his pants down!" She agreed and accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and ask "what the fuck happened!" Still breathing hard she managed to reply, " that bastard had all quarters!!!"

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How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?

How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?

He got down on one knee and said, "I don't wanna be Obama self.

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How guy's propose: On one knee.

How guy's propose: On one knee.

How girl's propose: "I'm pregnant!"

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A slimy mexican fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to this drop dead sexy pakistani girl.

A slimy mexican fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to this drop dead sexy pakistani girl.

Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, the bet was that he should touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem remotely possible, the girl accepted the bet.

The guy stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly.

With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" to that the Mexican replies "Okay. I owe you a dollar.

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The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.  One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night.  It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was.  He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember.  Morton picked up the phone and dialed.  “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?”  “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

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In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing long with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start

the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.

Noah! He roared, I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea.

I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord.

“The government beat me to it.”

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Everyone knows of Cassandra, the Greek woman cursed to see the future but to never be believed. I would like to propose a new figure as her opposite: a man who pretends to know to future and have everyone believe him.

Everyone knows of Cassandra, the Greek woman cursed to see the future but to never be believed. I would like to propose a new figure as her opposite: a man who pretends to know to future and have everyone believe him.

Or as I call him, Trump.

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My girlfriend told me there is no way you can turn a hoe into a housewife.

My girlfriend told me there is no way you can turn a hoe into a housewife.

I said "Yes you can". She said "How"?

I proposed.

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose.

As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

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To put an end to the endless accusations, the Catholic Church has proposed that all priests shall be castrated.

To put an end to the endless accusations, the Catholic Church has proposed that all priests shall be castrated.

If you ask me, they don't have the balls to pull that through.

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So I was playing Golf toady.

So I was playing Golf toady.

ying very well. By the time we got to the 18th hole we both had pretty difficult putts ( I was 25 feet on a bad lie and she was slightly closer on the same lie )

I had been enjoying my time with her so much I made her a deal. I told her if I made the putt I would take her out to dinner ( if she didn't mind ) at one of the best restaurants on the island. I lined up and hit the ball after a tense moment the ball passed the cup but stopped and rolled back dropping in.

I guess she didn't want to be out done, so she turns to me and says. " If I make this putt, after dinner I will invite you back to my place for drinks. We can relax in my hot tub and drink Champagne and see what happens from there, but only if I make this putt."

Hearing her proposal I quickly walk up to her and ask her to let me help her line up the putt. She agrees. So I walk up to her ball bending down and pick it up, then handing it back to her. She looks at me and asks me what am I doing? I look back at her with a straight face and tell her " That's a gimmie if I ever saw one "

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I proposed to my girlfriend during a 4 day bender.

I proposed to my girlfriend during a 4 day bender.

She said “we got married yeterday!”

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I couldn't decide how to propose to the love of my life.

I couldn't decide how to propose to the love of my life.

So I decided to ask her husband for advice.

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A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

nd of nails they happen to have. I want people to know that "Western Nail Company" is the best brand out there, so I need a billboard that will immediately draw them in, showing them that we have been in business for many years, and produce the best nails in the market".

The account executive thinks for a while, and replies "Tell you what: Let me go over some ideas with my creative director, and let's meet in a week".

"Fine", says the CEO, "But I want that billboard up in 2 weeks".

The following week, the CEO meets with the account executive, who pulls out a mockup of the proposed billboard. The CEO looks it over; it shows Jesus hanging from the cross, while two roman soldiers are looking up at him, smiling. One of them is saying to the other, "Good thing we used Western Nails!"

The CEO is shocked: "What is this? I can't use this! I don't want people thinking that our nails were used to crucify Jesus Christ! Change the whole thing, and remember, I want that billboard up by next week!"

The account executive replies, "Ok, ok, don't worry. We'll change the whole theme, and we definitely will not have your nails viewed in a negative light. We don't have time to meet again before going to print, but trust us, we know what you want."

The CEO relaxes a bit, and agrees to the plan. The following Monday, the CEO is eagerly driving to work knowing the new billboard is posted along the way. He soon drives by it, and almost crashes his car in shock: It now shows a bare cross, with Jesus running away into the sunset, while the two roman soldiers angrily mutter to each other, "Damn! We should've used Western Nails!"

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